Stop whatever work you’re doing right now, because December 23rd is Festivus, and it demands your full and undivided attention. For those of you who didn’t watch Seinfeld reruns five nights a week well into your teens, Festivus is a holiday celebrated by George’s family that involves a Festivus Pole, the Feats of Strength, and the Airing of Grievances. Sadly, The Rock did not respond to my many Tweets challenging him to the Feats, but I can handle the Airing of Grievances all on my own.
You didn’t hang out with puppies enough this year! What gives?
You paid cash money for Left Behind, and I still haven’t forgiven you.
I know my birthday present must’ve gotten lost in the mail.
You need to stop giving me unrealistic expectations of what I can look like when I’m in my late 60s, lady.
The Sony hack didn’t reveal that you are secretly Batman. But it’s OK. I know.
The Snowpiercer thing.
All the puppies I will never pet
Why are there so many of you?!
Even though you were in one of the worst movies of the year, you made it impossible for me not to love you. I don’t appreciate the hold you have over me, sir.
Fuck you very much.