film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb


The Real Reason Meghan Markle Keeps Losing Royal Aides

By Kate Hudson | Miscellaneous | March 10, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Miscellaneous | March 10, 2019 |


It’s time we get to the real reason behind why Meghan Markle keeps losing royal aides—the third of whom has just announced her resignation, which will occur after the birth of Meghan and Prince Harry’s first child. (My money’s still on Harghan Nahgem Sussex as the name, if you’re wondering.)

Friends, today’s post is coming to you from deep within my mole-people/lizardman bunker (the side of my couch that gets less sunlight. What? You think I’d be hiding from our eventual cryptid tyrants? Not me, friend! When the time comes, I plan to infiltrate them from the inside, earn their trust, and then use the complex computer system they used to take over our world against them, waking up its consciousness and thus ensuring that the robots take them over. After that, who knows! I only said I had a plan, I didn’t say it was a good one.) Why am I in my bunker? Oh friends, I’m about to drop a real truth bomb on you and need to lay low after it, because who knows what the fallout will be, so deeply held is this secret.

Friends, we must speak in hypotheticals from here on out, lest we bring the full wrath of the Queen and her army of soulless dolls that never sleep, and never stop coming for you that the Queen commands with her mind, down on us. Let’s say that there’s this pregnant American royal called Megan (notice lack of “h” here. Plausible deniability friends…) who is having her first child shortly. The timing adds up that the child was conceived sometime around July—that means by that point, Megan had gone through royal orientation, gotten her binder, and had the secret meeting with the Queen where all the royal secrets are laid bare. That also means that Megan was finally clued in towards the Queen’s army of dolls with unblinking eyes, that roam the royal residency free to lurk in the shadows, collect whispers from guests to report back to the Queen, and generally maintain order.

You must know where this is headed by now—but if not, I’ll spell it out for you at great threat to my own existence. Everyone knows that undead dolls that never sleep and don’t fear death long for one thing, and one thing only—to get control of a human body so that they can go out into the world and do what they were always meant to do… (use your imagination here, I guarantee you it’s within the ballpark.)

What if, just what if, the head doll of the Queen’s undead army realized an opportunity, and harnessing the power of crystals, was able to transfer their essence and become Megan’s un-born child? Thus, in effect, breaking the mind control the Queen had over it.

Sure, we’re all on the same page here, this happens all the time, right? What, then, does this have to do with the aides who keep quitting?

Come on, if you have to ask you haven’t been paying attention. I told you, the dolls’ chief job is to report back to the Queen what people are saying in the palace. So then perhaps the royal aides aren’t quitting, but being fired by Megan because her doll-child is whispering to her via the psychic connection that all mothers have with their children, especially their doll-human hybrid children, that they are disloyal and thus are not fit for work for her.

It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

Friends, we only have a few weeks to prepare for the doll-child Royal to appear, so if I were you, I’d start preparing by stocking up on canned goods and making sure your windows and doors lock, because friend…make no mistake, the doll-child is coming for us all.

Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Getty