The Pajiba Un-10: Your Not-If-You-Paid-Me Five

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | June 17, 2015 |

By The Pajiba Staff | Miscellaneous | June 17, 2015 |

The Pajiba 10 is a magical time, free of judgment, where we and our readers show our true love colors and tell the world what revs our pants motors. We would never question anyone’s taste in who they find attractive. That is between you and your nether god. But there are some potential Pajiba 10 inclusions (you could say they have “po-TEN-tial” AND I’M NOT SORRY AND WON’T TAKE IT BACK) we don’t quite understand personally. Maybe they fell out of favor, maybe we never quite understood them in the first place, but here they are.

Jeremy Renner

Jeremy Renner is two-time Oscar nominee, a talented singer and performer and seemed a generally affable chap. Then came the Avengers press tour where everyone decided to start talking out their asses like Jim Carrey does in his mirror when he pretends it’s 1994 again and everything is glorious. But where others succeeded in making up for their misdeeds (see Chris Evans), Renner’s apology was somehow more obnoxious than the nonsense that got him in hot water to begin with. As apologies go, “I’m sorry you got offended by what a slut that slut is” isn’t a great one, and doubling down by then appearing on Conan to say “she slept with four people [no she didn’t, not that it matters] so she’s a slutty slut slutterson McSlutenstein” (paraphrasing) is just a great big pucker to the universal kissing of our collective ass that he can go right ahead and do. Jeremy Renner, take your dulcet tones and your Grumpy Cat face and fuck right off out of Pajiba 10 potential please. - Courtney Enlow

Chris Evans As Captain America

I should specify that I understand the draw of Chris Evans himself. Sometime. Mostly Snowpiercer Chris Evans. He’s not really my type, but I understand it. Also not my type: Captain America. I only know him from the movies, but what I’ve seen isn’t impressive. And Chris Evans as Captain America?

I don’t get it, guys. Is it his boring, frat-boy face? Or his Ken doll hair? Because I try looking at his face to get a better idea about what you guys see in him, but all I can think is

And let’s get real, guys, his character is as boring as his face is. He’s been in four movies and the only character development we’ve had is “hung up on his ex” and “doesn’t swear”?

Maybe it’s mean to say he’s boring. I guess what I really mean is when I look at him, I see a bowl of tapioca pudding surrounded by two loaves of Wonderbread while an album of ambient whale noises plays in the background. Because he’s so boring. - Emily Chambers

Miles Teller

Maybe Miles Teller is just an actor that excels at playing smug pricks. Maybe he’s the sweetest guy this side of the Candy Kingdom. It seems that the rest of the Pajiba Staff thinks he shits out Cadbury Eggs for underprivileged orphans in his spare time. So why is he on my Un-Ten List?

I just cannot get past his highly punchable face. The smug arrogance seems to waft from his person in choking waves, much like an excess of cheap cologne. It makes me want to throttle him to wipe that look off of his face. A full-on FALCON PUNCH to the face, but not in a faux-sexy, Fifty Shades of Grey, tampon-removal, butt-slapping kind of way. Just, BAM! BITCH WENT DOWN. - Jodi Clager

Benedict Cumberbatch

I spend my days living in fear that Benedict Cumberbatch will be cast in Star Wars. I just want one franchise—one—without him. I don’t hate the guy. I enjoyed him in Sherlock before I stopped watching, which was less to do with Cumberbatch than with the show’s overwhelming tone of smug jackassery, which I attribute to showrunner Steven Moffat. (And, to a certain extent, to the original Arthur Conan Doyle text, though I’ve heard that Elementary doesn’t let Holmes off the hook for treating people like shit.) I thought he took it way over the top in The Imitation Game, which I didn’t like anyway, but he was good in 12 Years a Slave and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (he was upstaged by Tom Hardy’s wig, but so was everyone), and he gives good dragon voice.

I just don’t get it. He’s everywhere. He’s in everything. By the time His Whitebreadness was cast in Doctor Strange, all I could muster up was an eyeroll and a put-upon sigh. I know this puts me in the minority, at least in some corners of the Internet, but I don’t think he’s some perfect, amazing actor, and I could not give a shit about his collection of birdcages or how he’s related to Richard III or what he thinks about fanfic. I’d ask someone to explain it to me, but I’ve spent enough time on Tumblr that I know the general arguments for why he is a GOLDEN GOD OMG BENNY. All I can muster up is a :/.

Gotta love that pengwings video, though. - Rebecca Pahle

Eddie Redmayne — You people have got to stop with this guy. You’re making him a thing, and that’s NOT OKAY. He hovered around for over a decade stealing smaller roles in films and British series that were originally written for serpents (probably) and then Les Miserables came along, and for some reason, Planet Earth, fell under the misconception that Eddie Redmayne was attractive. I don’t want to sound lookist here, but I feel safe in doing so with Redmayne because HE’S NOT EVEN HUMAN. He’s an android sent to infiltrate the Earth designed by aliens who modeled him after Gozer in Ghosbusters.

Look at this guy! He doesn’t even blink.

That’s not a photo. That’s an hour-long GIF on a loop. That is his resting face!

Here’s the really interesting thing about Redmayne: He’s not wearing any make-up in Jupiter Ascending, and wardrobe pulled all of those clothes out of his actual closet. That’s what Redmayne looks like in real life. Here he is ordering at Starbucks.

Here’s another thing you may not know about Eddie Redmayne: He is the biological father of Caillou. That is an honest to God true fact.

By the way, here is a photo of Redmayne on the day he was born.

Every time you cast a vote for Eddie Redmayne in your Pajiba 10, he gets one step closer to bringing the Earth to its knees for his alien warlords, and you don’t want to be controlled by the race that dominated Redmayne’s planet. They look like praying mantises and they swallow their victims whole because their teeth are in their stomachs. Here he is digesting. — Dustin Rowles