Only 16 letdowns remain, and WHOOOO BOY DO WE HAVE SOME COMPELLING SHOWDOWNS THIS ROUND! It’s basically the Batman v. Superman of brackets, only less disappointing. You want a region where the four top seeds advanced? WE GOTS DAT! Want to see lower-seeded Cinderellas battle it out for a spot in the Exasperating Eight? WE GOTS DAT, TOO! 9/11 Truthers square off against whip-toting alien hunters, leaked beaver shots meet the star of The Beaver, and a terrible decision by NBC goes up against, uh, more terrible decisions by NBC. Also, be sure to read to the end of the post for a very special announcement by MRS. POTATO DICK! (anyone who gets that reference can vote twice).
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“YOU’VE WON A TOY-YODA!” REGION
No. 1 The Star Wars Prequels
No. 4 Actresses Who Say They Aren’t Feminists
These two letdowns dominated their second-round matchups to create what I assume will be one of the toughest voting decisions thus far. The Patriarchy™ is bad, no question. Jar Jar Binks, though…
No. 3 True Detective Season 2
No. 2 Back-to-back All-White Oscars
Were there any black actors on True Detective last season? Just the Vinci chief, right? Man. More like Nic PizzoLATTE, amirite? Because lattes are made with milk, and milk is white. And also white people order lattes.
DONALD TRUMP MIGHT REALLY BE PRESIDENT REGION
No. 1 NBC’s Disastrous Decline
No. 12 Donald Trump hosts SNL
Here are the shows NBC aired on Thursday nights in 1994: Mad About You, Wings, Seinfeld, Frasier, Homicide: Life on the Street, LA Law. And here are the shows NBC aired on Thursday nights last year: The Biggest Loser, Bad Judge, A to Z, The Slap, Allegiance, Heroes Reborn, The Player, The Blacklist. Seems like a no-brainer, right? Then you remember this GIF exists, and the world becomes a much more complicated place.
No. 14 Netflix’s Adam Sandler Deal
No. 10 Antiquated Ratings Metrics
Y’all almost screwed this one up and put David O. Russell in the round of 16 over Ratings. One must have expectations in order to disappoint. Netflix, for example, borrowed $4 billion dollars — that’s BILLION, with a BILLION — to finance original content and thought it wise to spend some portion of their loot on Adam Sandler.
NO LIKES ON A FIRE TWEET REGION
No. 1 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
No. 5 9/11 Truther Celebs
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the closet we’ll ever get to a major blockbuster being written by 9/11 Truther. Zero chance you’d be surprised if we eventually learned Charlie Sheen or Rosie O’Donnell really wrote the Indy 4 script.
No. 6 The Fappening
No. 7 Mel Gibson’s Racist Rant
IT’S A BEAVER-OFF! Gibson’s anti-Semitic diatribe established itself as a true dark-horse title contender by mopping the floor with No. 2 seed and presumptive final four letdown Prometheus, 1,274-408. Will his repugnant comments be enough to knock off an outlandish privacy violation? We’ll find out Wednesday.
BARACK OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY REGION
No. 8 Jeremy Renner’s Thoughts on Things
No. 12 The TV Writers’ Strike
The Writers’ Strike over Dave Chappelle walking away from his own show at the height of his popularity? To borrow a phrase from your significant others: “You’re doing it wrong.” Let’s see what Jeremy Renner has to say about this result. “I’m not sure we should advance people to the next round solely because of their skin color.” Whoa, man. Take it easy. Uncalled for.
No. 3 The Dexter Finale
No. 2 The Matrix Revolutions
Dexter’s final season would make a lot more sense if the finale revealed he was in the Matrix the entire time. Think about how terrible a show has to be for that sentence to be true.