The Pajiba Fictional Character Sex Tournament - SCHWING 16

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | March 30, 2016 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | March 30, 2016 |

You thought choosing between Dana Scully and Inara Serra was hard? You better make like Aaron Burr and WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT, because some of these sweet 16 match-ups aren’t fucking around. Forget Cap and Iron Man (like you did in round one, you MONSTERS)—this is 2016’s real Civil War.

As a reminder: THE FUCKENING is about which characters you think are best in bed, not which characters you personally are the most attracted to. Though, obviously, the latter’s going to have a very strong influence on the former. Go where your heart brain libido leads you.

Click to embiggen.

Superheroes

Peggy Carter vs Melinda May

On the one hand: Peggy Carter goes after what she wants, doesn’t put up with bullshit, and is Hayley Atwell.

However: She’s a woman in the much more sexually restrictive ’40s. I’m not saying your grandparents didn’t bump their pre-geriatric uglies (spoiler alert THEY TOTALLY DID), but how much experience can Peggy really have? I don’t watch Agents of SHIELD, so there’s not much I can say either for or against Melinda May’s sexual prowess, except that she’s played by Ming-Na Wen so SUCK IT, NERDS.

Black Widow vs Thor
The Black Widow/Jessica Jones and Wonder Woman/Thor races were both so close (49/51 splits) that I’m reasonably certain—like, at least 120, 125 percent—that you all would just rather have a gigantic superpowered orgy with all four of them. Alas, this is THE FUCKENING, and there are tops and there are bottoms. And Black Widow and Thor are both tops. As it were. Now take him down, Natasha.

Harry Potter Characters

Neville Longbottom vs Sirius Black

Anyway, whether Neville wins this round depends entirely on whether you, the voters, lean towards the post-Azkaban (traumatized and probably impotent, let’s be real) or pre-Azkaban (rebellious, narcissistic, kind of an asshole) Sirius. May I submit for your approval: young Gary Oldman.

Tonks vs Hermione

I wouldn’t with the duck bill, but she could look like young Gary Oldman. She could look like Idris Elba. She could look like ANYONE YOU WANT.

Star Wars Characters

Poe vs Han

Poe is Oscar Isaac.

But YOUNG HARRISON FORD.

But Han is less good in bed than he thinks he is. Like, objectively. That’s true. The man’s a stealth dork. Leia knows it, and so do I.

But we haven’t actually seen Poe do much, sexiliciousness-wise, that would be relevant to THE FUCKENING, whereas that Han/Leia Empire kiss is Mustafar-level hot.

I regret my life.

Lando vs Leia

BUT. Can Lando possibly defeat Princess Leia? He’s likely more experienced than she is, but there’s only so far technique can take you. Leia would combine determination and an ever-simmering level of sauciness with not-being-a-playboy-douchebag, which is always a plus. And Leia might not have a sweet space cape, but she does make jumpsuits look cool, the odds against which are 3,720 to 1.

Nerd Kitchen Sink

Mal Reynolds vs Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones does the hot rogue thing

AND professor chic.

Mal did show his ass that one time, though.

John Luther vs Inara Serra

You have two days to vote on this one; the Elite Eyyyyyyyght goes up this Friday.