You thought choosing between Dana Scully and Inara Serra was hard? You better make like Aaron Burr and WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT, because some of these sweet 16 match-ups aren’t fucking around. Forget Cap and Iron Man (like you did in round one, you MONSTERS)—this is 2016’s real Civil War.
As a reminder: THE FUCKENING is about which characters you think are best in bed, not which characters you personally are the most attracted to. Though, obviously, the latter’s going to have a very strong influence on the former. Go where your
heart brain libido leads you.
Click to embiggen.
Peggy Carter vs Melinda May
Number one seed Peggy Carter and number four seed Melinda May handily took out Deadpool and Agent Coulson, respectively, in last week’s round. So this is the point in THE FUCKENING where we start hardcore hemorrhaging all the dudes, right? Good to know.
On the one hand: Peggy Carter goes after what she wants, doesn’t put up with bullshit, and is Hayley Atwell.
However: She’s a woman in the much more sexually restrictive ’40s. I’m not saying your grandparents didn’t bump their pre-geriatric uglies (spoiler alert THEY TOTALLY DID), but how much experience can Peggy really have? I don’t watch Agents of SHIELD, so there’s not much I can say either for or against Melinda May’s sexual prowess, except that she’s played by Ming-Na Wen so SUCK IT, NERDS.
Black Widow vs Thor
The Black Widow/Jessica Jones and Wonder Woman/Thor races were both so close (49/51 splits) that I’m reasonably certain—like, at least 120, 125 percent—that you all would just rather have a gigantic superpowered orgy with all four of them. Alas, this is THE FUCKENING, and there are tops and there are bottoms. And Black Widow and Thor are both tops. As it were. Now take him down, Natasha.
Harry Potter Characters
Neville Longbottom vs Sirius Black
First and foremost: I am very disappointed at the number of people (30% of 2,454 votes! That’s *busts out calculator watch* A LOT OF VOTES) who thought Bellatrix Lestrange would be better in bed than Neville Longbottom. I’m hurt, really. Because I don’t feel like you people are taking this seriously enough. Bellatrix WOULD KILL YOU, and if Herbology professor Neville “Neville Longbottom Effect” Longbottom wouldn’t be quite as rebellious or inventive between the sheets, what’s so wrong with being nice anyways? I ask you!
Anyway, whether Neville wins this round depends entirely on whether you, the voters, lean towards the post-Azkaban (traumatized and probably impotent, let’s be real) or pre-Azkaban (rebellious, narcissistic, kind of an asshole) Sirius. May I submit for your approval: young Gary Oldman.
Tonks vs Hermione
I’m a bit surprised (….pleasantly? I guess?) at the amount of support Hermione’s gotten in this tournament. Sure, she’s intelligent and studious and frankly quite badass, but I can’t really imagine her cutting loose and having fun. She’s a book learner, man. Not that there’s anything wrong—or inherently unsexy!—about that, but when she’s up against a playful, punkish, SHAPE-SHIFTING WIZARD (also dead, RIP Tonks)… there’s really not another option.
I wouldn’t with the duck bill, but she could look like young Gary Oldman. She could look like Idris Elba. She could look like ANYONE YOU WANT.
Star Wars Characters
Poe vs Han
Oh God oh God oh God what have I DONE.
Poe is Oscar Isaac.
But YOUNG HARRISON FORD.
But Han is less good in bed than he thinks he is. Like, objectively. That’s true. The man’s a stealth dork. Leia knows it, and so do I.
But we haven’t actually seen Poe do much, sexiliciousness-wise, that would be relevant to THE FUCKENING, whereas that Han/Leia Empire kiss is Mustafar-level hot.
I regret my life.
Lando vs Leia
Lando’s breezed through this competition pretty easily, handily defeating General Hux and Obi-Wan Kenobi on the grounds that this is a man who can work a space cape, so you know damn well he knows how to have a good time. Of the characters in the original trilogy, he’s the one who you know has had the most sex, barring possibly Yoda (900 years to do it in) and Mon Mothma (a freak).
BUT. Can Lando possibly defeat Princess Leia? He’s likely more experienced than she is, but there’s only so far technique can take you. Leia would combine determination and an ever-simmering level of sauciness with not-being-a-playboy-douchebag, which is always a plus. And Leia might not have a sweet space cape, but she does make jumpsuits look cool, the odds against which are 3,720 to 1.
Nerd Kitchen Sink
Mal Reynolds vs Indiana Jones
It was tight there for a while (pause for sniggering), but Mal Reynolds managed to pull away from True Blood’s Eric Northman with a handy 61% of the votes. He has an even tougher challenger in Indiana Jones, igniter of all our childhood lions. Do I need to remind you about young Harrison Ford again? OK.
Indiana Jones does the hot rogue thing
AND professor chic.
Mal did show his ass that one time, though.
John Luther vs Inara Serra
John Luther has ~*~*~issues~*~*~, but would that make him better in bed, or worse? Will the Dana Scully fans let Inara Serra make it through to the quarter-finals?
Will we all admit that Firefly is maybe overrated a little? I MEAN WHAT? WHO SAID THAT?
You have two days to vote on this one; the Elite Eyyyyyyyght goes up this Friday.