5. Duckie and Iona, Pretty in Pink
“I know I’m old enough to be his mother, but when the Duck laid that kiss on me last night, I swear my thighs just went up in flames.”
COME ON. You gotta lock that down.
Duckie was never supposed to be with Andie. Andie belongs with Blaine and his floppy hair and general sense of broken voiced concern. The Duck? He needed someone older and more experienced. He needed to be someone’s boytoy. And that someone needed to be Iona. Iona did not have good taste in men, and she deeply deserved a man who would let her dress like a mid-30s Clarissa Darling. And that man was a boy and that boy was Duckie Dale.
4. Shaun and Yvonne, Shaun of the Dead
I know that in movies the general rule is that one side of the relationship must be the rock and the other must be the fuckup loser until they’re all fixed and better at the end. But Liz wasn’t nice to Shaun. Yvonne, on the other hand, was Shaun, and that would have been a fun relationship to watch. And it really, really was.
3. Gina and Deb, Empire Records
I mean, for real. You could shoot the sexual tension with Warren’s gun. These two sparred like a proper old Hollywood flicker pair, and in a different world, quite possibly even a different mid-’90s indie, they could have been something great.
2. Randal and Caitlin Bree, Clerks
I don’t know what the fuck anyone wanted with Dante. But I do know that there is just something about Randal. Something I would tap like a presidential phone line. Caitlin and Dante were completely dull, at least, until dead bodies started getting in on the action. Randal and Caitlin, possibly due to the fact that Jeff Anderson and Lisa Spoonhauer were married in real life, had some actual chemistry. And, dammit, after two movies and a TV show, I’d just like to see Randal partake in a poon or two.
1. Lloyd and Corey, Say Anything
Poorly ‘shopped photo posted twice due to its terrifyingness.
Would Corey have left Lloyd with little but an inkstain in the making? No. Never. No, never, ever, ever, and don’t you ever think it.
Seriously speaking, this makes sense. Lloyd apparently has a thing for girls with major issues. Diane’s issues were creepy daddy ones; Corey has slight troubles on the boy front. How he could have watched his super cute friend be trapped in the web of the Joe, attempt suicide because of it, then for reasons of ridiculous machismo actually attempt to hang out with Joe, is bullshit. Corey deserved better, and, at his best, Lloyd could have been that. In all honesty, I think we saw how that story would have ended in High Fidelity, but as a high school/college thing, those two would have been a serious match.
Now’s your turn, friends. Cast out your ships.