Everyone loves a good spy story, right? Alias, Peggy Carter, the Gong Show guy as played by Sam Rockwell… we can’t help it; we just want to watch and hear about sexy people doing sexy espionage in wigs and learning secrets about bad people. It’s basically our best national pastime. But nothing in the history of spy stories has ever brought us the kind of plot twist that The Daily Star has dropped into our gaping, eager mouths today.
According to a “declassified top secret spy dossier,” Hitler had a specific sexual proclivity that exactly none of us ever needed to know about. None of us needs this information in our brains; it’s poison and may make the average human want to pour bleach in all facial orifices. However, if I have to have this knowledge in my brainspace, I’m taking all of you down with me. Which is why you need to know, like I do, that according to this new information, Adolf Hitler liked to have women poop on him. Specifically, in his mouth.
I know. I told you. I’m sorry.
Last week, it was revealed, or at least posited, that Hitler had a medically classified deformed micropenis and only one testicle. Now, he was also reportedly a coprophiliac— as the Daily Star so eloquently puts it, “someone who gets horny about turds.”
Worse still the Nazi nutjob was turned on by a women crouching down over his face and doing a number two into his mouth.
And it is thought Adolf acted out his gross sexual fantasy with one of the few women he had sex with - his niece Geli Raubal.
The piece goes on to say that Raubal was found dead “soon after the horrendous sex session,” and her death was deemed a suicide. “But many suspect she was liquidated to keep her from blabbing about the poo fetish.” Two other men who were presumed to know about Hitler’s fetish also died under what the Star sees as suspect circumstances.
I think we can all agree that this is the most important information to ever come out of mid-century espionage. However, what makes it even more important for us today is the fact that when I came across this story, I was putting together a roundup of all the people who have spent the last few days comparing Hitler to Donald
Trump Drumpf. Louis CK did it. Bill Maher and Jimmy Kimmel did it. So did SNL. The women of The View had an infuriating discussion about whether Drumpf is essentially the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, and obviously, the answer is a resounding DUH.
So clearly, the question we all need to be asking is this: If Trump is the new Hitler (WHICH HE CLEARLY IS), and Hitler liked to have people poo into his face hole, well… what’s the end of that line of reasoning?
Vivian Kane looks forward to the impending lawsuit.