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Response Piece: Ten Subtle Ways to Tell Him that His Penis is Too Small

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | December 15, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | December 15, 2011 |

10. Buy Him an Oversized Condom

If you buy him a condom that is obviously too small for him, not only will he finally have to admit his penis is tiny, but he can easily return it for his correct size, XXS.

9. Sign Him Up for Penis Stretching Exercises under the Pretense of “Stress Relief

This works particularly well if your boyfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between stretching and exercise and emotional well-being. Tell him you have found exactly what he needs to help him relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a penis elongation class.

8. Set Out On your Own Vagina Elasticity Plan

Here’s an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell him his penis is too tiny is to tell him that you’re not happy with your own level of vaginal elasticity. He may begin to open his eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to change the composition of your genitalia, you’re also subtly telling him that you’re not the only one who might benefit from a larger penis.

7. Provide Unsatisfactory Sex

When dishing up sexual favors, try withholding. By making him ask for sex, you might succeed in shaming him into an acknowledging the minuscule size of his penis, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what he’s going to do about it.

6. Masturbate More Frequently

Focus on your own needs and stake your right to a satisfying sex life, with or without him. It might even be the only way of separating him from the reality of his wee dingler, which is what’s the root of the problem in the first place.

5. Playfully Grab His Pathetically Sized Package

By occasionally wibbly-wobbling his little shrinker and giggling, he’ll soon become all too aware of the embarrassing size of his penis and may consider surgical alternatives which would allow him to have a normal sized penis instead of the dick of a 10-year-old boy.

4. Ask Him to Wear Uncomfortably Tight Pants

Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that he wears something really tight that will show off his package. This way he’ll have to admit to you that his manhood is diminutive and incapable even of filling out spandex. Follow it up by telling him how good it would be if he could double, or even triple, the size of of his schlong.

3. Watch an Erotic Film Together

Plan a cozy evening together watching erotic films and make sure to rent one that features men with large members so that he’ll be forced to confront the fact that he doesn’t measure up. Not even close. Not even in the same ballpark. Not even in the zip code that contains the same ballpark. Talk about how much better your sex life would be if you were dating one of the men in the video.

2. Leave Photos of Men with Larger Penises Lying Around

This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the inadequate size of his penis. By consistently reminding her of how much bigger other men’s penises are, he’ll be more inclined to do something about his own. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if he confronts you about trying to shame him into increasing his penis size, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: “Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?” Of course you would, but he doesn’t need to know that.

1. Break Up with the Douchebag

Dump his ass for being the kind of dumb, pea-brained asshole that would not only read the Ask Men website, but who would take advice from a publication that posted an article titled, “10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat.” Because that’s seriously f*cked up, and only a meatheaded douchebag with a runty, undersized scabby little prick would follow any kind of advice from a men’s magazine that would publish something as stupid and sexist as that.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.