Did yesterday’s round of Fuck Marry Kill whet your appetite for some time-wasting, sex-themed party gamery? Are you looking for something to do that’s not actually work on this Friday afternoon? Are you a bunch of horny wildebeests? (You don’t need to answer that last question; I know our readership.) Then allow me, if I may, to introduce you to a little game I like to call Strange Bedfellows, aka the Threesome Dealbreaker Game.
It goes a little something like this. Imagine a celebrity who makes your lions all tingly. The question is: Would you have a threesome with that person if the other person in the threesome were someone detestable, repugnant or otherwise gross? For example:
*Would you have a threesome with Oscar Isaac if the other person had to be Mel Gibson?
*Would you have a threesome with Gillian Anderson if the other person had to be Anne Coulter?
*Imagine your all-time crush, perma-Pajiba 10 entry type: Idris Elba or Eva Green or whomever. Who’s unsexy enough that they’d make you turn down a chance to bone down with that person? Trump, obviously. (If there’s anyone here for whom Trump isn’t the ultimate dealbreaker, please, do step forward and accept your walk of shame.) But who else is a bridge too far?
*Salma Hayek: yes, obviously. But if Jared Leto were also there…?
*Is there anybody you’d find bunkable enough to let Ted Cruz within ten feet of your nethers?
And so on. You can find out a lot about people through this game. I learned some things about Seth and Petr about Kellyanne Conway, for example, that I will never be able to un-know. I learned that a friend of mind is a rank, heinous hellbeast, because she said—AND I QUOTE—“I wouldn’t have a threesome with Rebecca and [Jeff] Goldblum just so Rebecca can’t fuck Goldblum.”
We’re not friends anymore.
Some stipulations. You can’t just pretend the bad person in the threesome isn’t there. If your hypothetical threesome is with Lin-Manuel Miranda and Mike Pence, you have to give Mike Pence at least a handjob. But if you want to stipulate that the sexual activity between yourself and Pence be of a particular variety—say, if you wanted to gag him and dress him up in a diaper, for pure humiliation’s sake—that’s fine. It’s assumed as a tenant of this game that consent for any sexual activity has been granted. (Of course, you should never, ever assume the same in real life.)
“Tenant.” Hmm. David Tennant. Would you threesome with David Tennant if Eric Trump were part of the deal?
No screwing around with past versions of people, either. If you’re going to let Mel Gibson between your pearly gates so you can get with Kate McKinnon, it has to be present-day, openly racist hobo beard Mel Gibson, not Mad Max-era Mel Gibson from before we all knew he was fucked up.
To start you off, I’ve compiled a spreadsheet that throws together some combinations. You can refresh this link to randomize it. The good side of the list isn’t anywhere near comprehensive—it’s just meant to be a starting point. Please do contemplate your own boner-growers (and boner-killers) in the comments.
I’m gonna light this fire and walk away into the sunny shores of the weekend. Have fun.