I’ll get to the point: I’m dying to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 when it opens Friday, and you should be, too.
Go with me on this. If you’re one of the many non-Twilight fans out there — and trust me, I’m in that club — you likely have spent quite a bit of time bemoaning the existence of the book and film series; criticizing author Stephenie Meyer’s deplorable writing and insipid heroine, Bella; and decrying Meyer’s creation of vampires that sparkle. You’re right to think the series is ridiculous, but you’re exerting your energies in all the wrong ways, especially when it comes to the films.
Of course they’re bad. From the stilted acting, including Kristen Stewart’s blank expressions and constant hair flipping, to the lack of actual drama present in the narrative, these films are pure teen angst-ridden schlock. But that is what makes them so watchable. Don’t pity the Twihards who began standing in line five days ahead of the Breaking Dawn — Part 1 L.A. premiere. Toast their insanity with the same booze you bring in your flask to see the flick. The plot, indeed, is easier to handle when you’re tipsy.
For those who have avoided the series, here is a quick summation of the delightfully fan-fictionrific story so far. (And for those who want a taste of the jaw-dropping badness of Meyer’s writing, I recommend Reasoning with Vampires.) Teenager Bella (Stewart) falls for a vampire, Edward (Robert Pattinson), begs him to turn her into a vampire, begs him to sleep with her and finally agrees to marry him to get him to sleep with her. She also flirts with a werewolf, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), whom she loves, but just not enough, you know?
So now it’s time to get hitched to Edward, which is where the first part of Breaking Dawn begins. After the “I Do’s” comes the honeymoon in Brazil — brace yourself for squealing in the audience. And then bam! In a matter of weeks, Bella is pregnant with a half-human, half-vampire baby that essentially eats at her from inside, ready to bite its way out. I couldn’t make up this bloody mess of a story if I tried. I’m not as creative as the Twihards, who are devout Photoshop users. Google anything Twilight related and you’ll be treated to gems such as this:
That’s Renesmee, the vampire baby, trying to force its way from Bella’s womb. And with Jacob on the right? Probably an older Renesemme. Jacob “imprints” on her as a baby, meaning they are soul mates. Or something. They all have to
battle have a strongly worded discussion with the Volturi, an ancient Italian vampire coven, to let Renesmee live, though. Anything to give these villains more screen time. I believe the costume designers used Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire as inspiration, thinking, “Gayer! Must be gayer!” God bless you, Michael Sheen. Behold:
Are you not entertained? OK, perhaps you don’t want to waste your hard-earned money on this. That’s understandable. But for heaven’s sake, don’t be afraid to Netflix it and partake in one of its numerous drinking games. You can’t beat the unfairness of life that allows these novels and films to be such blockbusters. But you can revel in making fun of them. (Just be nice to the actual fans. They aren’t hurting anyone.) Perhaps that’s the low-brow avenue to take, but I’ve traveled it before and I’ll travel it again. Think of the series in relation to bombs such as The Room, or Birdemic: Shock and Terror. We could all use something to laugh at, and that’s why I stick with Twilight.
Sarah Carlson has a front-row seat to the decline of the newspaper industry and lives in Alabama with her overly excitable Pembroke Welsh corgi.