Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | October 8, 2015
As a parent, we want to raise our children to know they are special, they are brave, they are strong, they are powerful, they can achieve anything and that they are loved no matter what. This stuff is important. But in terms of practical, real-life situations, we should be doing better. We owe our children this. So, take a pause from “Kenzylee Shastasprite, you’re the most sparkly snowflake and can be president one day” and teach your kids what really matters. They’ll thank you for it one day.
Sometimes your friends are going to be assholes. Sometimes you’re going to feel like you need to be an asshole, too, to fit in with them. Don’t do that. Don’t be an asshole. But if you do decide to be an asshole for a little bit, I hope you feel bad about it and learn from it. Just don’t be *the* asshole friend.
Someday you’ll have a crush on someone and that person will be entirely made of garbage. They’ll probably make you cry and hurt your feelings. But you know what? That garbage person can fuck right off. Let yourself cry for a while then say PEACE OUT, GARBAGE, I’m taking this hotness elsewhere.
Never mind when you turn 18, start college or get your first job. When you start identifying with Benny from Rent, that is the day you become an adult.
The mistakes you make now seem like a really big deal. But they aren’t. Please know that now and please remember that when you’re 30 and laying in bed awake at night and they pop into your head just to be dickjammers.
Forget popularity or what people look like or even how nice someone is. Find friends who like the same TV shows and movies and books as you do. That’s your squad.
At some point you and those friends might disagree about an aspect of said TV show, movie or book. You might take this personally to a weird extent. It’s just a fucking show. Calm the fuck down.
Take all the selfies you fucking want. You look good, yo.
But you don’t look THAT good to where it’s a big damn deal, calm down.
You’re going to at some point say something that hurts someone else’s feelings. Say you’re sorry. And be actually sorry.
Someday a movie from your youth will be remade or rebooted and this might bother you. You need to calm the shit down about this right now. You’re fine. Shut up.
Someday I’m going to be old as shit. Be goddamn nice to me. I wiped your ass for YEARS. But feel free to put me in a home where paid professionals can wipe *my* ass because I’d really rather you not remember me that way.
But if you don’t put me in a home and do in fact wipe my ass for me, tell your siblings that you get the nice jewelry. You earned that shit.
Life is more about ass wiping than you may have been lead to believe.
Caddyshack is honestly only about one-fifth of a good movie because it’s actually about that Danny knobber but no one remembers that. But don’t tell people you feel this way. They’ll be really mean to you about it in the futuretimey-Facebook-simulacrum group for fellow writers of the website you write for. Or, you know, whatever.
Get a job you like. Do really well at that job and work really hard but like it. Don’t go into something just for the money. What you really like won’t necessarily pay all that well, but you’ll be happy. And take sick days when you actually need them, like the stomach flu or there’s a show you really need to binge watch. It’s just a cold, you’re fine.
Mainstream top-40 pop music will always be and always has been about 68% garbage nonsense. But don’t let anyone tell you you’re lame for liking that other 32%. That shit is gold.
Like yourself. Whatever size you are, whatever you look like, whatever various physical or mental abilities or otherwise you might have, like yourself.
On that note, people who get really up in arms about fat people’s lack of health are literally the worst people. Whatever your actual views on health are, those people are the actual worst.
You already know that mean bullies at school are sad assholes. Everyone knows that. But pretentious people who feel compelled to constantly shit on everything popular that people like? Those people are really sad. Like, sadder than those bullies because they were bullied by bullies and it’s made them bullies. DOUBLE BULLIES. Avoid both kinds of person, they’re hella stressful.
Coconut oil is fine. It’s not that big a deal though.
Food is awesome. Most of it tastes better than thin feels, so eat pretty healthy most of the time but if you gorge on a whole bag of peanut butter cups every once in a great while, it’s cool.
On that note, put your peanut butter cups in the freezer. You’re welcome.
When you’re older, find a couple of really good friends and stay in and drink with them. Not only is it cost-effective, it will produce all of your best memories.
Go forth and parent. Feel free to leave other valuable tips in the comments.
