Apparently I wasn’t clear enough when I wrote about the Suzy Glue that a dude made for women to use for their periods, because the trend of gluing things on your body is picking up steam. In what seems like an effort to rebrand the clam jam, Girlie Glue was created for the sole purpose of making sure strangers knew that her infant was female you know, INSTEAD OF PEOPLE ASKING.
From the “About” section of the Girlie Glue website:
What is the story behind Girlie Glue?
Katie Hydrick, the CEO and creator of Girlie Glue, got tired of slippery uncomfortable headbands and bows. Her babies didn’t have enough hair for clips, but she just wanted a simple and comfortable feminine accessory. She searched endlessly and found nothing. Frustrated with no easy fix, she went to the kitchen and whipped up a batch of what would become Girlie Glue as we know it. She began using her creation to stick bows on her babies. People constantly stopped her, asking where they could get some. The rest is history.
One of the best things about this was my story pitch to the Overlords. And for that, TK’s reaction is the best belated birthday present I could’ve gotten:
So wait. I thought you guys were fucking with me. But that really is glue… for sticking things to your children. Like they’re a fucking Mr. Potato head.
I swear to god, times like this I don’t think we deserve nice things. Like, someday Beyoncé or Tom Hanks or tacos are going to be taken from us and I’m going to be like yeah, but remember the baby glue? We had this shit coming to us.
Actual Footage of TK’s Rage:
I know I’m going to get a lot of guff for this, but as a non-mom, I think bows, headbands, and basically any hair accessories for babies is a stupid thing in the first place. Hair clips? The instances of infants having enough hair in the first place is an anomaly in and of itself, nevermind trying to have a wiggly rubber-boned human keeping it on for longer than 45 seconds. So how does the creator of this invention no one asked for claim their validity and establish their presence in a very niche market? It’s all in the delivery of their marketing:
Girlie Glue is an all-natural accessory glue - no hair necessary! Fancy possibilities are endless with a dab of Girlie Glue.
It’s made of Agave nectar and other all-natural ingredients. It’s safe, 100% honey-free and washes away easily with water.
I worry that some millennial mothers are turning their kids into their walking Dream Boards to project their truths on, but in the meantime, I can’t wait until Guy Glue comes out with accompanying felt mustaches.