This month’s horoscopes are hard for me to write. Mainly because I’ve had some boxed wine so you know, words and sentences are a lot for me right now and also, I’m having to stomach my disgust by calling October Libra season when it is also my birthday month, and I am a hardcore Scorpio. Like any good Scorpio I firmly believe that every month is Scorpio month—so to cede October to perfectly nice Libras (who again, are not Scorpios) is tough, but listen, Libra readers: I respect you as much as I can, as an October Scorpio, so here we are.
(for the record, HRC is also an October Scorpio, so…)
A quick Google search tells me that Cardi B is the patron saint of Libras in 2019, mainly because of this tweet:
I'm such a Libra it's not even funny my sign represents me so well— iamcardib (@iamcardib) April 6, 2016
But also gentle Libra, I’ll get off my high horse because you can claim Carrie Fisher and Brie Larson among your ranks, and those ladies are awesome, so I will stop s*itting on you (mainly because I’m still on your cusp, because again, hardcore a-hole Scorpio, here.)
Anyway, enough about me, let’s get to it. October Pajiba horoscopes. Take it away, Libra!
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
This is going to be a good month for you, Libra, mainly because that guy you owe money to is going to vanish under mysterious circumstances. But you know the truth, don’t you, dear Libra? You prayed to an Elder God, and as a result, they took him to their hell dimension to live out the rest of his days. That will teach him for trying to collect a debt after 8 pm on a school night!
Pay careful attention to the end of the month—that’s when the Shadow people come out. Nothing you can’t handle but consider carrying a pouch of mugwort and lavender to ward them off, and if they ask you to answer a “riddle three” your best bet is to play along and get all the questions right, or else. You don’t want to get rid of your debtor only to have to end the month becoming a reluctant ruler of the Shadow-people realm because you got their questions wrong, would you?
In less life-or-death news, your power color is sky blue this month. Be sure to wear it out often, as it signals to the rest of the world that you mean business (it will also ward off malevolent leprechauns, as an added bonus!)
Now is not the time to invest in Lotto scratchers, wait until year-end for that, Libra. You’ll thank me later.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Sheath your stinger this month, Scorpio. It’s not time to go to war…yet. Yes, this month is going to be full of trials and tribulation, but it won’t affect you, Scorpio, because October is the perfect time to do what you were always meant to do: orchestrate an elaborate accident that ultimately results in convincing the people in your life that you are your own long-lost twin returned from abroad to finally settle down. Naturally, Scorpio, this is all for show, and the true intentions behind this action will become clear midway through the month when you finally get what you came for: your cousin’s rare Beanie Baby collection.
Be careful with pulling off this heist and charade too quickly, Scorpio. You’ll want to wait until closer to the new moon on the 27th of this month. Trust me now, believe me later, and you’ll miss a very hairy situation. If you don’t do it my way, enjoy being frozen as a statue for the next 20 years, friend. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Sagittarius, I know you—and don’t think I don’t see you. Lately, you’ve been wondering if this waking life is even real, or a simulation. This may be because you’ve seen the Matrix, or because a singing magenta dolphin came to you in a dream and softly sang the song of this universe to you, which stayed with you when you woke up, unlike many dreams. I’m here to tell you, my Sag-friend, you are right. However, I strongly urge you not to test the boundaries of this world and not tempt fate (and them.) You must find a way to put this knowledge behind you and get on with your life here. It is the only way.
The full moon on October 13th will help you, as you’re going to become the de facto leader of a mischief of mice. Lead them well, friend, they’ll need you in the coming war against the Owls and we all know how that will probably go.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Capricorn, if you’ve been wondering if this is the month to share your true feelings, you’re absolutely right to do so. Just be warned that if your true feelings involve deep-state conspiracies about how the entire world is built upon a slumbering giant octopus that you believe is set to wake on the morning of October 28th, and set the entire world into chaos, understand that your feelings may not be well received. This is nothing new to you, brave Capricorn, because you’ve not been shy of sharing your feelings that the greatest series of movies of all time is the Twilight Saga.
Stay true to yourself, and perhaps invest in a life-jacket on the off-chance the octo-world ruiner prophecy comes to past. If not, I’ll see you here next month, friend.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Aquarius, you’ve waited long enough and October is the month for you to finally pursue your dreams of petitioning Boyz II Men to stop being a trio and go back to being a quartet, with you as their 4th member. You’ll get news around the full moon that 98 Degrees is seriously considering you for their group, but hold tight. As the saying goes, it’s better to be rejected by Boyz II Men than accepted by 98 Degrees, no matter what the guy who runs the comic book shop by the mall says. He’s just jealous of you and your amazing singing/dancing abilities. Do not settle in the month of October, no matter if that’s joining a singing group, or refusing the substitution of Pepsi for Coke, the point is, you’re meant to hold your ground this month friend.
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Good news, Pisces! This can be your lucky month, as long as you’re cautious and aware. Be sure to be kind and share your provisions with any old women you meet during your frequent midnight walks in the wood. As you’ve always suspected, they are most certainly a witch in disguise who can reward (or punish) you at their whim. If you’re helpful, you’ll be rewarded with a copy of the 4th season of Rizzoli and Isles on dvd!
If you’re unhelpful, you’ll also be rewarded with a copy of the 4th season of Rizzoli and Isles , but the third disc will be scratched and thus be unwatchable. It will be a learning lesson to you, Pisces, but it can be avoided if you heed my advice.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Aries, I think you know where this month is headed, and if you’re thinking it’s time to sell everything you own, cash out your retirement plan, and put all your money toward a library for bears, you are absolutely right.
As you’ve long suspected, bears have been quietly studying humans, and in particular, feel they can run the planet better than we can, what with the fact we’re slowly poisoning the entire world with pollution. You’ve keenly observed the signs that bears are starting to begin to read, and since they can’t hold down jobs to make money (yet) a library for bears is the best way to ingratiate yourself to our soon bear-overlords. Stay at it, and in particular, be sure to get a hearty collection of romance novels in your bear library, I have it on good authority bears can’t get enough of that genre!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus, this is the perfect month for you to perfect your chili recipe, after all, it is October! Don’t be surprised if by the new moon at the end of the month, the Chili syndicate, the underground consortium of chili-underworld gangsters who control the world’s supply of the hearty dish come to your door and demand you stop making your prized chili, as it’s running their business out of town. Hold strong, Taurus, and heed my words, so you’ll be prepared: in order to avoid this scenario, you must not open your door at all this month, as you work on your chili. It is a well-known fact that underworld rulers adhere to the thought that if the door isn’t answered, there’s no one home…and if no one’s home, there’s no one to threaten. Do you understand, Taurus? I hope for your sake you do.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20th)
Gemini, this is the month you’ve always dreaded but always knew was going to come—around the full moon there’s going to be a knock at your door (you can answer, as you’re not a Taurus.) When open the door, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, Chris Pine, and Chis Dunderwood will be there—asking you to definitively decide which one of them is best Chris. Chris Dunderwood is a dark horse candidate, but his shining moment will be in the talent portion when he breakdances so beautifully that you suspect he could solve all the world’s ills with his sweet moves. Don’t fall for it—there is no Chris Dunderwood, and now you’ve let him into your home, his plans can commence. Do not fall for this ruse—you can absolve yourself of this entire situation by keeping a cookie from Mrs. Fields on hand for this occasion, with the following written in frosting: Cookie for the Best Chris. When they knock on your door, show them the cookie and throw it as far away from your home as possible. Each “Chris“‘s vanity will win out, and they will all be forced to run after it to claim the title. This will solve you from unwittingly letting Chris Dunderwood into your home. Chris Dunderwood, as you may have guessed, is not human, and you don’t need that smoke in your life this month.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, I know what you’ve been planning and October is not the month to do it. The mer-people will accept you as their own whenever you plan to leave this land-dwelling world and join your true people underneath the waves as the crab in you has always intended.
Give it a few months at least before you follow through, mainly because I’ve been lucky enough to get some advanced screeners for The Rookie, and I think you’re going to like where it’s headed this fall.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Leo, if you thought this was the month you write the much-needed sequel to Mannequin 2: On the Move, finally making the Mannequin series of movies into a trilogy as you always suspected they were meant to be, you are absolutely correct. You may hit some writer’s block in the middle of the month but that will be gone by the end of the month when you run into Andrew McCarthy at Starbucks and he stares meaningfully into your eyes and tells you he believes in you. We all believe in you.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Virgo, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, you need to avoid open bodies of water this month. You may have suspected this, and I’m here to confirm, but your parents made a deal with the sea-witch when you were a child that they would turn you over to her the month of October 2019 in return for some wine coolers and a crockpot full of cheese dip that if you ask them about, they would admit was too salty for their taste and ultimately didn’t end up eating. The good news is, she can only get you if you’re near her domain (water) the bad news is—water is everywhere. Your best bet to avoid this fate is to lock yourself up in your home, and not leave until November 1st. However, I have it on good authority she will claim what’s hers, so all I can do is tell you good luck. I hope to see you here November 1st.
…In fact, I hope to see you all here November 1st for your November horoscope. Who knows, I may have even read a horoscope book by then! Until then, friends…
Header Image Source: Getty