Happy November! I trust the spirits that live beneath your floorboards but above your insulation decided to let you live for another month, which is good news indeed, gentle reader. You’ll be relieved to know that the house will not turn on you until 2023, so you have some time yet. Invest in those upgrades, but just don’t look beneath the floor boards. That’s their territory.
Good thing it’s Scorpio season, though, right? Since we all know Scorpios are uniquely qualified to not only take on ghosts, but hold a life-long grudge against you for a perceived slight that they will never tell you explicitly about, instead opting to just glower or maybe, occasionally, mutter to no one in particular “they know what they did.”
Everyone loves a Scorpio, dammit!
Anyway, I went out last night and had too much of everything, basically, so let’s skip the preamble and go straight into Scorpio’s horoscope, which is the best, and I’m not just saying that because I am a Scorpio. (I am saying that. I have a very healthy ego. I am a Scorpio, after all.)
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Scorpios are the best, and your birthday month should be no different, dear stinger friend. The good news is, because this is your birthday month, you can get away with basically anything, and I encourage you to test the limits of that statement—you earned it!
Get pulled over for a traffic ticket? Just scream “it’s my birthday month!” over and over and see how far you get.
Go ahead and go to that fancy restaurant and steal food off of other people’s plate with your hands, and eat it in front of them, never breaking eye contact. You’re a Scorpio, you’ll get away with it… probably.
Just beware any men in trench coats you encounter in dark alleys this month. They are not your friend, and furthermore, this fellow in particular intends to send you on a mission you won’t return from. Best stick to eating other people’s steaks with your hands this month, and save the intrigue for a period that isn’t mercury retrograde, eh Scorpio?!
A note to my readers: if you’re looking for me to explain mercury retrograde, you’re in the wrong place. Just know that mercury is in retrograde right now and you’re highly encouraged to blame anything going wrong in your life on it right now. That is the beauty of mercury retrograde.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
Sagittarius, I know what you’re thinking this month and you are absolutely correct, you should go ahead and stop living the life you’re currently leading, and instead, adopt the persona of Danny Devito’s character in Twins. People will love you for it. Trust me on this one.
That said, I highly encourage you to go ahead and rewatch it, in preparation for this momentous life-changing event, lest you run into someone who understands the movie better than you, and points out where you’re breaking character. Good luck, Sag, you’ll need it.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
I have a business proposition for you Capricorn—it’s time you and I form the German death metal band we always knew we were destined for. In fact, I encourage you to gather as many Capricorns as possible in order to form this band because if I know one thing it’s this: the only thing better than a German death metal band is a German death metal band whose members span the globe. Don’t worry about booking any venues with your troupe of Capricorn death metal bandmates. I’ve already got us slotted in the Moldova spot for Eurovision 2020. Let’s do this!
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Aquarius, if you’ve been thinking of building that house that is 45 percent smaller than everyone else’s house so that you feel like a giant, and confuse passersby, now is the time. I have it on good authority that November is the month that this plan kicks in to high gear, when on a drunken night out, you stumble on to a magic bean plant that you’ll harvest and sell as a means to fund your mansion. No need to bother with the fact that the magic beans you’re selling are actually discounted Halloween chocolate, people will buy what you’re selling because they’ll be afraid not to. You’re on your way Aquarius!
Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Pisces. Stay indoors all month. You know why. They’re on to you.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Aries, now is the time to investigate that old shed in your back yard that’s always glowing florescent yellow, and you hear strange noises coming out of, at night. Is it a portal to another dimension? A gnome rave? Guess what Aries, it’s going to turn out to be both!
The good news is, gnomes know how to party. The bad news is, the gnome dimension only has Coach re-runs on all their television stations and streaming isn’t a thing, there. I hope you like Craig T. Nelson, Aries, because the gnomes will literally tear you apart if you say anything disparaging about him. They take Coach very seriously in that dimension.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Hello Tarus! The full moon on the 12th is called the beaver moon. (lol. I know.) I have good tidings and bad tidings with that information.
Let’s get to the good news, first.
Buy scratchers on that day, my bull-friend. The beaver moon brings you great luck.
…now the bad news. You’re probably going to have all your winnings stolen because you keep saying “beaver moon” and laughing to yourself, and someone will take offense to that because a beaver once looked at them funny. Now the thought of beaver makes them insane in the membrane. Oh well, Taurus, you win some, you lose some.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20th)
Gemini. What if I told you this is the month you’re supposed to start digging that hole. You know, the one we’ve always talked about digging. Why dig it? Why not?! There could be treasure. There could be mole people. There could be anything! That’s the beauty of digging the hole. You’ll make it up as you go along. Just be careful to not hit any underground powerlines, and also, if you find any treasure in the hole, to consult your local shaman to make sure it’s not ghost treasure, and thus cursed.
Can’t wait to see your hole, Gemini and don’t you dare let a little thing like snow, or frozen ground stop you from this month’s dream! You’re about to enter a world of possibilities.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer. I’ve gotten Gemini to start to dig the hole. Phase one of the plan is complete. Standby for further instructions next month. Be ready, be prepared, and for the love of god, be awesome. The next phase of the plan depends on it.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Leo. Do not let anyone hold you back from your dreams any longer. Now is the time for you to finally achieve what you’ve dreamed of for so long—perfecting that chili recipie. Yes, the nights are getting longer and colder and now is the time to bust out your chili pot (I presume you have one, yes?) and experiment away with the ingredients you need. You may find an unexpected helper pop up the week before Thanksgiving, Leo, in the form of Garnlock the Unpredictable. The creature will offer you a special spice in exchange for the fealty of your firstborn, and Leo. I must warn you, only you can make the decision if it’s a good deal or not. If it helps, the special spice is just Adobo seasoning Garnlock the Unpredictable put in a fancy jar. Good luck!
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Virgo, I’m not sure if you were planning on it, depending on where you live, but this month is not the month to go into the Ocean. The shark-king is looking for you to repay your debt to him you incurred all those years ago, and I promise you you’re not prepared to to pay his price. No one ever is.
I suggest, if you were planning a late fall beach vacation, that you go deep into the forest instead. The king of the bears is in hibernation by now, and thus, has no intention of asking you to repay that debt. Better to play it safe than be sent on a quest you’ll never return from, eh?
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
Libra, I know you’re struggling with Scorpio season, so I encourage you to not give in to reality and instead, spend November insisting it’s October and thus, almost your birthday. Don’t be surprised if Scorpio fights back on this, because, well, no one can usurp us. You have an ace in your pocket though, Libra, and that’s called disposable income to pay people to give into this delusion. Isn’t life grand that way?
Good luck, and Happy Birthday again, dear Libra.
Well, readers, that’s it for November, I’ going to go take a nap. I’ll see you here next month.
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