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It's Science! Movies Will Turn Your Children Into Whores

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | August 7, 2012 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | August 7, 2012 |

Well, we know that watching movies apparently will give your kids lung cancer, turn them into alcoholics, and increase the chances that they become violent, and now we know that movies will also turn your teenage children into whores.

According to a new study conducted by psychological scientists at Dartmouth University, children who watch features films with sexual content have a tendency to start having sex at a younger age, have more casual sexual partners, and engage in unsafe sexual practices.

The study noted that a personal trait predominant in those aged 10-15 is “sensation seeking,” in which adolescents seek out all kinds of intense stimuli. Combine this behavior with “wild hormone surges,” and the researchers discovered that movie sex induced a higher peak in sensation seeking.

The study looked at over 1200 people between the ages of 12 and 14, and what was particularly “alarming” was that sexual content or situations could be found in 68 percent of G-rated movies, 82 percent of PG, and 85 percent of PG-13.


OK. Let’s work backwards from here. If 68 percent of G-Rated movies include sexual content, the definition of sex in this study is clearly very broad and includes innuendos and making out. Therefore, most kids between the ages of 12 and 14 have viewed sexual content, except for the kids that don’t watch movies. Kids who don’t watch movies are probably dullards, puritans, and kids who come from families with strict parents, so they’re less likely to find other people in common with them, and therefore less likely to have sex between the ages of 12 and 14.

However, if you were to do a follow-up study on the same people who didn’t have a lot of sex between 12 and 14 because of strict upbringings, you’ll probably find that those same people are also more likely to engage in a profession that involves dancing with poles in their 20s and/or engage in fetishistic sex.

It’s the law of averages.

Indeed, the only real way to decrease a person’s level of promiscuity over his or her lifetime is to introduce Star Wars or Lord of the Rings to them at a very young age and ensure that their interest in those films becomes a full-blown obsession. Braces, unfashionable clothing, high-fat diets, and underdeveloped senses of humor might also decrease their levels of sexual activity, on account of no one wanting to have sex with them. If all else fails, there’s always castration.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.