10:43 - Wait, before I go, did anyone else catch the shitty ’80s sax version of “Take My Breath Away” that sounded a lot like the LA Law theme song? Okay, just checking. ‘Night!
10:39 - Well with that, I’m going to make like Anne’s sense of style and leave for the night. Thank each and every one of you for joining me on this journey through laughter, tears and awkward Justin Timberlakes. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my birthday or a better bunch of knuckleheads to share it with. Good night!
10:38 - Yeah, you WILL stop your music for tiny bald man!
10:36 - Whew. I had a momentary fear that I wouldn’t get to see a full body shot of HBC in all her glory. Though it’s moot because she’s dressed relatively normal.
10:35 - The King’s Speech. Come on, King’s Speech.
10:34 - Excellent montage, however it has spoiled the endings of at least two of its films.
10:31 - They will also join Titanic and Crash so I guess it’s a half-full/half-empty kind of thing.
10:28 - And I would give every dime I’ll ever make to be the “impulse” to which Colin Firth “attends to backstage.”
10:27 - Colin has used the words “sensation” and “stirring.” These are also things he inspires in my lady parts.
10:25 - I bet this speech will be witty and charming and inducing of lower tinglage.
10:24 - Seven years worth if he bites his lip, too.
10:24 - Two years.
10:23 - I would pay a year’s salary to have Colin Firth smile and wave at me like that.
10:21 - You will never hear me utter a negative word about Sandy B. Never.
10:19 - I’ve been trying to place Anne’s dress this whole time and I think I’ve figured it out - Formal Leeloo.
10:18 - Darren Aronofsky’s mustache just bad touched me through the TV. And not in the good way.
10:16 - Anyone else catch Jen Lindley’s “I am not amused” face at Portman’s win? Now, now, Michelle. You deserved it, too. This was a fairly even category. Everyone pretty much deserved it.
10:15 - Oh Baby Goose, how we wish you were here.
10:14 - This is the first time I’m noticing Natalie Portman’s fancy bookmark earrings. Dislike.
10:13 - Finally, Jennifer Lawrence got a decent stylist.
10:11 - Remember that shot right at the end of 127 Hours after Aaron’s been rescued and he’s at some kind of press conference and Franco plays it looking super confused and weird? That’s how he’s looked the whole show tonight.
10:10 - Okay, let’s wrap this. I’m getting sleepy. And the high sass levels in these Body of Proof spots are exhausting.
10:07 - Eli Wallach: SO OLD. Tonight has been a night for adorable old men.
10:05 - Annette Benning’s neck is reminding me that she’s getting up there. And Warren Beatty’s face is reminding me that he’s getting super to the max up there.
10:03 - Tom Hooper strongly resembles a young James Cameron. I wonder if Katherine gets a mean case of revertigo and just starts wailing on him backstage.
10:02 - Hilary Swank joined Halle Berry and Marisa Tomei at the “Dresses That Completely Lose Their Shit Once You Hit Mid-Thigh” Boutique.
10:01 - Bah, worst dress of the night, Anne.
9:57 - Excuse me, commenting people, namely MelBivDevoe and Uda. Why are you guys trying to ruin my hopes and dreams of complete couch safety? RUDE.
9:55 - There’s always one or two people I completely forgot died. This year it’s Jill Clayburgh.
9:54 - Muted applause: good. Rushing right the hell through: less good. I mean, come on, we get long lingering shots of Celine, but two seconds of Leslie Nielsen?
9:53 - Have they completely muted the applause? Thank the lord. I felt so bad for the people who didn’t get any.
9:52 - Welp, here we are. The lack of applause means it’s Dead People O’Clock.
9:49 - Short People Against Randy Newman. Together we stand tall!
9:47 - Randy Newman’s speaking voice is almost as obnoxious as his singing voice. There is so much cotton in his teeth. It’s like he’s forever having teeth pulled. Which would explain why he does it back to us.
9:46 - …Do what now? …I don’t… like… What?
9:44 - Remember when Rowles spoilered Country Strong? Good times. Surprise Lifetimey Suicide is the new Secret Russian Dwarf or Surprise 9/11.
9:42 - You know, 127 Hours best explained why I don’t like outside. I can’t get stuck in a cave on my couch, you know. Outside is a place where death and destruction happens.
9:36 - Fincher has looked super nervous during every single TSN win. Is there a bomb in one of the awards?
9:33 - Fun fact: This is the first time I’ve remembered Hereafter exists since it came out.
9:31 - I like Jude and RDJ together. OTP?
9:30 - Oh my god, they’re Jor-El-ing Bob Hope.
9:28 - Granted, he was old and puffy when he was young.
9:27 - Billy Crystal is old and puffy. This makes me sad.
9:20 - I believe Oprah only has one gown, she just continually has it re-upholstered for every event.
9:19 - I WOULD TOTALLY TWIRL IF I WAS WEARING THAT DRESS! Anne speaks to my very soul.
9:18 - Auto-tune: a timely target. However, this is kind of awesome. (only one of those things was sarcastic).
9:15 - Finally, FINALLY!, The Crush is nominated for an Oscar! Granted, it’s about 18 years too late, and not for the editing of Cary Elwes’s super punch, but… oh, wait, that’s not right…
9:13 - Has anyone ever seen Oscar-host-version of James Franco and Jackson Rathbone in the same room together? Because I might be onto something here…
9:12 - I like when presenters pause for applause and there just kind of isn’t any, and then people applaud because they think they’re supposed to.
9:06 - Mandy Moore is wearing Cookie Monster. - Posted by: figgy at February 27, 2011 10:05 PM. THE LULZ.
9:06 - Zachary Levi is singing. HE IS SINGING. And so are my nethers.
9:05 - Wait, does Zack Levi sing? Be still my beating parts.
9:04 - I should probably explain. You see, people like gravy. But no one likes drowning. So I don’t understand why people like Randy Newman. … It’s a weak metaphor. What I’m saying is Randy Newman sucks.
9:03 - Randy Newman’s voice is like being smothered to death with gravy. I just want it all to stop.
9:02 - He just sang a little bit of Top Hat. How much more does Kevin Spacey have to come out to please people?
9:01 - A little glimpse of Swayze never hurt anybody.
8:58 - I’m sorry, but did The Tempest already come, go, and get nominated for an Oscar? When did that happen? This is probably why they don’t let me do trade news.
8:57 - Kenny Rogers is so multi-talented.
8:56 - Things are happening with Cate Blanchett’s dress. …Things… I don’t know what kind of things, and I don’t know how I feel about them, but there are things…
8:55 - You know, Marisa Tomei and Halle Berry are hot people. Why are they both wearing perfectly fine dresses which explode into cancer and madness around the knees.
8:54 - Franco has been squinting the whole show. He’s been taking Zellwegery lessons.
8:53 - Well, not “for cancer.” That would be different.
8:52 - Dammit, I can’t make fun of Celine Dion when she’s singing for cancer.
8:47 - If you can’t speak in unison, don’t try it. I have no idea what the fuck they just said.
8:46 - Sometimes the writers don’t write.
8:44 - Is Trent Reznor completely unrecognizable with his short hair to anyone else?
8:43 - When Colin Firth and I inevitably fall in love and commence with all the sex and doing it, we’re going to start every love session with a game where he jumps up and down and yells sounds at me.
8:40 - Nicole is having my bang-straightening issue, wherein the bangs stick straight out. Curl over, Nic. It takes time to master.
8:39 - Ew, this dress I don’t like. The hair I like less. Come on, Haths. Get it together.
8:38 - ABC lady has some seriously Ariana Huffington-y hair going on.
8:36 - We’re having some local weather issues and if Storm Team 20’s dopplar update fucks with my liveblog, I will be very disappointed, because I am physically unable to churn your interest in the Cass County thunderstorm warning.
8:34 - Anyone else just think “he’s totally not crying, he’s just masking how he definitely forgot his wife’s name”?
8:33 - Amy looks a bit Edie Beale-y, yes?
8:32 - Bale wins! Despite being heavy in prep for his starring role in the upcoming “Gingerjesusbeard.”
8:31 - Did you know John Hawkes is
the teen boy janitor [fuuuuuck, sorry, I spazzed and have shamed myself. *ritual seppuku*] in one of my favorite Buffy eps ever, “I Only Have Eyes for You”?
8:29 - Is that the first time a presenter has ever started with “hello”?
8:29 - Is that the first time voiceover guy has ever fucked up?
8:27 - Also, he has a terrifying face sans mustache. Grow it back, guy.
8:26 - Remember when Forgetting Sarah Marshall first came out and we didn’t know how fucking annoying Russell Brand is?
8:25 - Looking good in a dress: the one thing Franco isn’t good at.
8:21 - You know that point where animation goes from pleasantly-realistic to fucking-creepy-plastic? That’s how I feel about Mars Needs Moms.
8:19 - That movie? Easy A. It should have been nominated for Best Everything. Mmmmelody Bostick.
8:18 - I know that when something’s a lock, people inevitably don’t want it to win things, but I absolutely loved and adored The King’s Speech and want it to win everything. My second favorite movie of the year wasn’t nominated for a single thing, and I’m still bitter.
8:16 - Someone in the orchestra really fucking hated Studio 60.
8:15 - You don’t cut off Aaron Sorkin. He will scathe you.
8:14 - Aaron Sorkin: Decidedly less orange than he looked at the Globes, but still a touch overbronzed.
8:12 - Fun fact: Apparently, no one looks good in white tux tops.
8:11 - IT’S TRUCK MONTH! YES! (Sorry, I got nothin’. These commercials are givin’ me NOTHIN’.)
8:10 - I like any time New Pornographers songs are in commercials. Except with “Bleeding Heart Show” in those University of Phoenix ads. That’s not okay. But I am happy Carl gets a check.
8:06 - Reportedly, JT spent the entire time shooting his movie Not The One Where Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman are Fuckbuddies, But The Other One trying to nail Mila. I can’t blame him. She wasn’t having it. I can’t blame her.
8:05 - I wonder if non-TS3 people bothered getting dressed.
8:03 - Did Justin Timberlake just make fun of Kirk Douglas? Bitch, he’s killed for less. He will cane you within an inch of your life.
8:02 - Okay, we’re good.
7:53 - PAUSE. BLOG RESHUFFLING IS HAPPENING. NEWEST WILL NOW BE AT THE TOP. I’LL HAVE A REACTION SHORTLY.
7:52 - KD calling AH gorgeous? Her reaction? This is the cutest moment of the world.
7:51 - God bless you, Kirk Douglas, you are older than the dirt on dirt.
7:51 - So what are your elegant Oscar snacks? Mine are leftover Chinese and cold Pizza Hut. ELEGANZA.
7:47 - I’m sorry, THE APPLAUSE WAS CUTTING INTO YOUR TIME? Asshole. No one cares about your stupid award anyway.
7:47 - Now’s as good a time as any to mention how I once dated a guy who looked exactly like Andrew Garfield. If you see a guy in the Chicago area who looks exactly like Andrew Garfield but isn’t, tackle him, because he wants to murder me.
7:46 - I love how Tim Burton and HBC always have matching hair. That’s how you know their love is real.
7:45 - Now that piece of shit will forever get to sell itself as “the Academy Award-winning abortion Alice in Wonderland.” Grodes.
7:44 - Next liveblog, let’s all watch Titanic and play the “Jack!” “Rose!” drinking game and fucking die all at once.
7:43 - Oh, Titanic, you’re so not it.
7:42 - ‘jiba poll: What is the most recent “classic”? Like, what would be the most recent this-will-go-down-in-history-forever film?
7:40 - They’re adorable and their moms (and Grandma Franco!) are adorable. Take adorable lessons, Natalie Portman. You’re not good at it like Anne.
7:39 - Ah, heck, I can’t stay mad at you. You’re both made of adorable preciousness.
7:37 - Oh Annie, don’t break my rules. NEVER BREAK PROFESSIONAL CHARACTER.
7:36 - BTTF is an automatic win. ALWAYS.
7:35 - Anne Hathaway winking at Colin Firth speaks to me. I want to wink at Colin Firth.
7:34 - Franco wearing a bear is going to fill my dreams for, like, ever.
7:31 - As montages go, that was a pretty sweet one.
7:30 - OKAY, WE’RE A GO.
7:29 - There’s too many local commercials for me to really comment properly. I don’t think anyone is really going to care if I comment on the ugly dress I just saw in the Formals of Litchfield spot.
7:27 - Robin Roberts has Madonna/present-day Cameron Diaz arms. She will literally crush every single one of you commenting talking shit about her.
7:26 - Maria Menunos, no you ARE NOT friends with Tom Hanks.
7:21 - Hugh Jackman is the happiest man in the world. I want to hug him all the time.
7:20 - Dear virgins,
Do not go near Cindy Crawford. She bathes in the blood of your kind.
7:18 - What’s sadder than a formerly A-list pop star having to judge a karaoke contest on Fox? That same pop star now having to shill for razors.
7:17 - Oh, yeah, I forgot the necessary birthday brag. IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.
7:16 - Mila Kunis’s dress is my favorite of the night already. Holy shit, I want to wear it places.
7:15 - I want to nap on Bale’s beard and use his mustache as an ottoman.
7:13 - I really like Gwyneth’s “Quaid, start the reactor” earrings.
7:13 - Nicole’s dress is the assiest thing I’ve seen all night thus far.
7:12 - Why has no one stopped Keith Urban’s douche hair? Why will NO ONE think of Sunday Rose?
7:10 - Update from the floor, the backup wine is doing fine. I would pour some out for Les Jamelles, but the floor has dog hair on it and I really don’t feel like licking it.
7:09 - I did not predict the other awards because I don’t know who will win them. That’s how this works.
Best Picture: The King’s Speech
Best Actor: Colin Firth
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor: Geoffrey Rush
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, who will not have completely fucked herself by doing those FYC ads.
7:06 - Now’s a good time for my picks. These picks are incredibly safe and probable, but I will feel validated when they are right.
7:06 - It was a year ago that my Sandy B. won the Oscar. Meaning it was almost a year ago we learned what a fuckwad her husband was.
7:05 - Here’s the fun thing about Justin Timberlake. Reportedly, he REALLY believed he was going to get a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. God goddamn bless him and his sweet simple soul.
7:02 - Okay, in her defense, this is the best Natalie Portman has looked all awards season.
7:01 - Okay, when did Jennifer Hudson get for real skinny? She used to just be normal person thin. Now she’s full on skinny.
7:00 - Why do I always forget that the Oscars is at half past seven, central time?
6:55 - I think this might be the first time I’ve ever heard Susan Downey speak. In fairness, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise with her husband. In related fairness, I don’t think I’d ever try because I’d be too busy staring at him with the drool-ridden blissful death gaze of McMurphy at the end of Cuckoo’s Nest.
6:54 - MY BOYFRIEND’S ON SHUT UP NOW.
6:53 - Reese’s forehead vein is doing some serious work tonight. I look forward to its breakout role against Angelina Jolie’s forehead veins in Cockbrows: The Movie.
6:52 - BREAKING: In a shocking act of violence, Reese Witherspoon scalped Carrie Underwood and is wearing her hair to the ceremony tonight.
6:50 - I love when Mark Wahlberg lists all the things he’s involved with. And, tragically, he never mentions Fear. This is an egregious omission. Nicole 4 eva.
6:47 - OH MY GOD CHARLIE SHEEN IS TERRIFYING. He looks like sickly death. Apparently cocaine does not have the restorative properties one would imagine.
6:47- An unfortunate update: my Golden Globes co-host Les Jamelles Pinot Noir is unable to join us tonight as the
fancy local wine shop County Market was out.
6:44 - We’re live. And Anne Hathaway is wearing a bustle. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE.