Hello, friends! It’s that time again. And by that I mean that evening we waste biding time until the Oscars. Huzzah!
Now, as most of you know, this will be my first Golden Globes not accompanied by my lovely co-host, bottle of red wine with the prettiest label I bought in the “$14.99 and under” section of my local fancy wine shop. Like Paula Deen being forced by her endocrine system to step away from the butter, you may be concerned that this will impede my liveblogging abilities. However, I will be hazelnut-wasted on this tin of Piroulines I have sitting next to me, so it’s pretty much a wash. I also have four different jars of pickles at the ready, because I am a stereotype. So this is set to be a fairly fancy evening around here.
With that, let us begin. New stuff is at the top, per usual. Please note: my time is Central, because I don’t need to change myself for you people.
9:58 - Oh, it’s over. Well…that just kind of ended there, didn’t it. Well. Thanks for playing, everyone! Join me and TK next month for the Grammys, and then February 26th will be our annual Oscar soiree/Courtney’s birthday party so you should probably start shopping for something nice for me. Thanks and goodnight!
9:56 - Is Jim Rash there? Was he invited? Why wasn’t he invited? DISPLEASURE.
9:54 - Does anyone else realize that the title “Are You There, Chelsea?” doesn’t make a shitlick of sense? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
9:51 - You aren’t going to like this, but with this haircut, Fassbender looks an awful lot like Jim Parsons.
9:49 - You know Stacy Kiebler had to literally staple herself to her chair to not go up to the stage with Clooney.
9:47 - Natalie Portman, like Taylor Lautner, looks like a Na’vi. I have never noticed this before. It might be her makeup situation.
9:41 - Everything about The Artist is adorable and lovely, including this speech and Uggie’s fancy doggie tricks.
9:39 - Jane Fonda is the same age as my grandma. I want to look that good in my seventies. I want to look that good NOW.
9:38 - Madonna’s Boobwatch 2012: They’re still there, but the situation is precarious. And veiny.
9:38 - Look at Rooney Mara. Sitting there. Being aloof and hating SVU. She’s such an asshole.
9:37 - There is so much effort to get Meryl her glasses. I want Clooney here to get me a water.
9:35 - I want so badly to be Meryl Streep, at the point where this kind of thing is so typical and blase that you just put your hair in a ponytail, throw a skirt over Temple Grandin’s going-out shirt and call it a win.
9:33 - Colin Firth is here! Oh, surprise Firth is my favorite kind of Firth.
9:32 - Other people share my confusion regarding Joyful Noise, right? Like, it looks abysmal, but so happy that I feel like I’m probably going to see it? Like Mamma Mia.
9:28 - SWINTON SIGHTING! Swinton spotted. Remain calm.
9:25 - Jessica Biel, looking doily-esque in the Miss Havisham wedding gown she will wear in the attic for the rest of her life when this Timberlake wedding doesn’t happen.
9:23 - Sometimes they dust off Michelle Pfeiffer and I get so happy. Then she dusts herself off and does New Year’s Eve and I get sad and confused. She needs an HBO drama.
9:17 - “Modern Family,” shock, awe, whatever. Mostly, I just want to ask why “Glee” is still being nominated for things. Pan flashes have at most a two-year period where they get to trick people into thinking they’re good. There is no reason for anyone to still pay attention to it. Jane Lynch will show up if you ask her; you don’t need to make Lea Michele think she’s a thing anymore.
9:16 - Ricky has now disappeared for a full hour two GG ceremonies in a row. Where does he go? Does he hide from Madonna? I’d hide from Madonna.
9:14 - Seriously, why does no one feed her? Martin Scorsese, this is your chance, everyone is watching, tell her to eat.
9:13 - Angie. I don’t want to keep having this conversation with you. You are pointy, and you dress like Alexis Carrington.
9:11 - Is RDJ wearing a tux he swiped from the Chaplin costume department?
9:06 - I like whatever was happening in that cutaway to Sofia Vergara talking to Ty Burrell making the Kermit “YAAAYYY” arms I gif’d below.
9:05 - “Hey, Elton.” More speeches need to pause just to say hi to Elton John.
9:05 - The slow, thoughtful, methodical speeches of Morgan Freeman and Sidney Poitier make Madonna’s Best Song speech even more nonsensical and ridiculous-sounding.
9:03 - Morgan Freeman, everyone. The world’s most beloved step-granddaughter affair haver wither.
9:02 - Okay, I’ve spent this whole montage looking for “Electric Company” videos because it did not occur to me that they’d use one. Nevermind. TIME WASTED.
8:59 - I demand the creation of a Tumblr called “Morgan Freeman is Not Amused” right now.
8:56 - Between Sidney Poitier and Morgan Freeman, I urge you guys to not drift to sleep from the vocal goodness. Please, we still have a lot to get through.
8:54 - Okay, there are mermaid dresses, and there are dresses that make me really concerned that you are going to tip right over and never be able to get up again. Reese, you are the latter. And you need to switch tops with Madonna because yours is too roomy and hers has no doubt sliced her open at this point, showing the black sludge within.
8:49 - I think Octavia is the first to do it, but I would HAVE to write my speech. Hell, I have written my speech. It’s for when I win “Best Blog Post Comparing Taylor Swift to Pit Gland Syrup.”
8:47 - Bradl-emu Cooper looks like his own evil doppleganger. Like he’s having his very own “Mirror, Mirror” moment.
8:45 - Is anyone else really confused by Johnny Galecki being nominated for things, and not just as a cushion for Jim Parsons taking his show away? Because Parsons wasn’t nominated this year. It’s just confusing is all. I don’t trust any of it.
8:44 - My husband gets sad when I publicly mourn that I’m not able to sleep with attractive famous men. Honey, you’re cute, too. And your hair is Stamos-y.
8:42 - Okay, I’ve noticed his before - Emily Blunt has an issue with finding dresses that inevitably give her underarm excess boob pit fat. She’s tiny and perfect, but always wears dresses that do that. But at the end of the day, she has sex with Jim Halpert, So what do I know?
8:41 - Are you people seeing this yet? “She’s a star!” “There’s something about her!” And under it is just this horrid nasal Katherine McPhee voice. I understand nothing.
8:36 - Speaking of Angela Chase, I have been re-watching MSCL lately, and I would just like to say that Hallie Lowenthal is still an obnoxious twunt. File that under “15 years later rage.”
8:35 - And it’s Angela Chase for the win. Cows.
8:35 - Callie Thorn, seriously, how? How? Who watches that show? Why?
8:34 - Dustin Hoffman’s hair is starting to Pacino.
8:32 - Okay, she didn’t. Hell, she was only nominated so she’d show up.
8:32 - You know these real directors will shit sideways if Angelina takes it.
8:30 - Madge is back and her boobs are seriously about to turn blue and fall off.
8:27 - I’m very happy Jessica Lange has let her face calm down. It was looking a little taut there for a bit a couple years back.
8:26 - Have you ever noticed that Mary J. Blige is always overcome with beauty and emotion? It’s really annoying.
8:24 - I am sorry, fuck every last one of your hipster dismissals, but I am so happy for Jessica Lange right now. She ate the scenery with Cool Whip and sprinkles and I loved every second of it.
8:23 - William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman are adorable and I want them too to stay together for always.
8:22 - Nicole Kidman…did those come with the dress? She doesn’t usually have those.
8:20 - Every time I see Ewan, I think about how I’ve always heard he and his wife have an open marriage, and I deludedly believe I have a shot.
8:18 - I don’t like living in a world where Rachel McAdams is in a movie with Channing Tatum. It hurts.
8:16 - Oh my god, Katherine McPhee is talking to Michelle Williams. I hope to GOD she is trying to have a very serious actress discussion, or she’s fangirling about “Dawson’s Creek.”
8:15 - Kate Capshaw is starting to look like Chelsea Handler. A warning to every woman who thinks that having the lightest, least noticeable amount of work will make them look good.
8:13 - Jessica Alba AND Channing Tatum? I’m trying to have a feeling about this and I’m afraid I’ll shit myself from straining.
8:12 - Brad Pitt has exactly two years before his face shifts just enough that he’s able to be included in the “men who look like old lesbians” meme.
8:10 - So I Googled Martin Henderson, and of course the entire first page is that dude from The Ring, but then I got to the news story and he’s a dwarf who was thrown to the ground at a pub. I hate people.
8:09 - OKAY, they put the guy with the littlest legs all the way on the top tier? Who approved that arrangement?
8:08 - Okay, someone invited Piper Perabo, and they nominated that chick from “Necessary Roughess.” USA, stop thinking you’re real.
8:02 - I would kill to know how they decide what constitutes a comedy around here.
8:01 - Quick, behind Charlize, it’s Grown-up McLovin!
7:59 - I think it’s adorable they’re still making Underworld movies.
7:58 - IDRIS ELBA!
7:57 - Oh, look, a nude dress with sparkles. Innovation.
7:56 - Oh hell naw, Olivia Benson is going to instantly hook up with Harry Connick, Jr. but we couldn’t get a single bangtime with Elliot Stabler? HORSESHIT, SVU.
7:53 - Melanie Griffith is out and about which is good, but she’s officially looking like Meryl and Goldie at the end of Death Becomes Her. Hopefully Antonio holds on tight when they walk down stairs.
7:50 - Madonna better hurry, because she’s going to crush that award like a can if she’s up there any longer. And then her boobs are going to rip in half. Also, I need a screencap of Elton John’s bitchface like RIGHT NOW.
7:48 - I know there’s more to the song, but I find it hilarious that they said “lyrics by Glenn Close” and all we heard was “la la la la la.”
7:47 - Angelina Jolie, I have said this at just about every awards show, but what the fucking hell are you wearing? Why do you dress like you’re 80? Betty White thinks you’re too conservative.
7:46 - I have a theory that no one in the world has seen War Horse. Ghost money has entered its bank account, but no one has actually viewed it.
7:45 - Okay, my pickles and I are back and everything is going to be okay again. Except I hate that “Moves Like Jagger” song with every ounce of my soul.
7:43 - I’ve made it this long, but I’m about to bust out a jar of bread and butter pickles and a fork and I need you to stop judging me for it. Excuse me.
7:41 - Why is Laura Linney on the top tier? Let Laura Linney on the ground floor, guys.
7:38 - We need to have a hair intervention for Morena Baccarin. It’s just been different shades of stupid since 2006.
7:37 - “I’d like to thank my wife for the future.” Oh Kelsey Grammar, that’s adorable. I give it two months.
7:35 - Ricky said his comment about the demeaning things actors do to make it in Hollywood and Jessica Biel mouthed something to Salma Hayek. I would love to know what demeaning thing she did to affix herself to Justin Timberlake. Because a) it’s not working, and b) it’s just getting sad. She may need to go back to the demeaning well.
7:34 - It would be nice if anyone playing Marilyn Monroe was ever allowed to gain enough weight to actually resemble Marilyn Monroe.
7:33 - Nicole Kidman’s lips and Calisa Flockhart’s lips at the same table? Someone’s getting suction cupped to the car window like a Garfield doll.
7:32 - When I get old, I will wear so many kicky gaucho and sensible silk top combinations with sparkly jackets and scarves. Like, every day.
7:30 - The other thing I think when I see spots for “Smash” is “Jack Davenport, I just want you to be employed so badly. Talk to Moffat, maybe he’ll take you back. Maybe he’ll let you be the next Master.”
7:28 - “Also Guy Pearce is starting to turn into Al Franken.” Posted by: Harborwolf at January 15, 2012 8:27 PM. THIS.
7:27 - Frida’s hair is what I like to call “how Courtney wore her hair every day on the L train for six years to give the illusion of volume.”
7:26 - The theme of Kate’s table is “every man wear Colin Firth’s A Single Man glasses.”
7:24 - Was that Kate’s boyfriend Rocknroll? I don’t actually know what he looks like because I’m so distracted by his dipshit name.
7:24 - OH Emily Watson, honey, that NECKLACE. What is happening.
7:23 - Oh Romola, honey, that DRESS. Oh it’s not good.
7:22 - I’m still embarrassed by how long I thought the show was called “Downtown Abbey.”
7:20 - Oh, good, Andie MacDowell is there. The audience was lacking people I actively hate.
7:19 - I love Julianne Moore’s earrings. I also love when teleprompters break.
7:17 - By the way, I’m sorry, but if I’m Laura Dern and I win an award with Angelina Jolie in the crowd, I’m staring at her the whole time with pointy eye daggers.
7:14 - Thank Christ, I don’t have to, because it’s Laura Dern. Her dress is very sparkly and her show is fine. Whatever. I guess. I like to think Tina and Amy canceled each other out, like if they just voted for themselves, one would have won, but they voted each other and Dern got it.
7:13 - I can’t even talk about how fucking much I hate Zooey Deschanel on “The New Girl” you guys. I cannot. SO MUCH.
7:13 - Speaking of Mila, do you think she looks at Ashton and says “haha, fucker, I WIN.”
7:12 - I’m so happy Mila put her lost Black Swan weight back on. She was scary last year.
7:11 - Oh, hello, Ewan. I’m just going to throw my bra at the TV real quick, brb.
7:11 - He’s 80? DAMN.
7:09 - I’m happy Christopher Plummer is having such a good year. He is the definition of dapper. And jaunty. And other fun words like that.
7:09 - Hey, Gerard Butler doesn’t look like a puffy date rapist tonight. He instead looks like a serial killing woodsman.
7:07 - If Johnny Depp puts his bangs in front, he will look like Anton Chigurh.
7:05 - Well, while playing my standard television awards game of “Find Dougie Payne,” I don’t think he’s there tonight. Kelly Macdonald is sitting between Buscemi and some lady. Disappointment.
7:04 - THERE. Right there. Did you catch that? When it cut to Leo while Ricky was talking about Kim Kardashian, Leo made a face as though he was actually learning something. Because Leo is totally the “I don’t own a television” guy. Which is the only thing that explains the Blake Lively thing.
7:03 - God bless her, Jodie Foster has already won the award for the best sport of the night.
7:02 - In a similar vein, Nicole Kidman was genuinely laughing, but she’s lost the ability to really do that.
7:01 - Angelina Jolie is really good at pretending to laugh right after she realizes the camera is on her, and it’s always about two seconds after the camera actually hits.
7:01 - And Charlize Theron is already not having it.
7:00 - It begins.
6:59 - While on the TV subject, I am so excited for James Marsden on “30 Rock.” Because I’ve given a life-pass to anyone involved with the film Sugar & Spice.
6:58 - Can we talk about “Smash” real quick? Put aside everything else, and focus on this: every TV spot seems to be pulling the “Studio 60”-esque “she’s the greatest star the world has ever seen!” and they’re talking about a singer/actress who did not and does not have the ability to become an actual star. That really bothers me.
6:56 - I believe this is the second or third time Sofia Vergara has worn Vera Wang and I hope she does forever because I like the way she says “Vera Waahhng.”
6:53 - I finally saw Reese Witherspoon and saw what you E! people were talking about. Yeah, that top may have needed to be taken in another inch or two.
6:52 - UGH, Adam Levine, you are not special enough to be wearing sunglasses. You’re Adam fucking Levine.
6:46 - Is there an al-Qaeda threat against the ceremony tonight? Because the security guys are EVERYWHERE this year. More than usual. Enough so that they’d be on camera. and those guys are never allowed on camera.
6:43 - No one is ever talking to you, Stacy Kiebler. Ever. So don’t talk back. That’s not what George pays you for.
6:42 - Tina looks lovely in her mermaid ensemb, and I respect a sizable-hipped Mediterranean *sisterwoman fist bump* sporting a mermaid dress. I will never do that. But I respect it.
6:40 - …Betty’s 90th Birthday Bash? WHY AM I NOT LIVEBLOGGING THAT INSTEAD OF THIS MESS? I have such life regrets, you guys.
6:39 - Now I have this weird image of Ricky Gervais doing a little “I Want It That Way” step-touch, arm out thing, and it’s kind of amazing.
6:38 - We’re going to have to get this out of the way right now. I love Ricky Gervais as much as the next person. But I cannot STAND people who feel strongly that they are the “bad boy” of a completely ridiculous genre, such as “award show hosting.” You know who else thought he was a bad boy? A.J. McLean. You, Ricky, sir, are no A.J. McLean.
6:36 - Everytime Leo gets all smart and serious-actory, I just think “you fucked Blake Lively.” And it just kind of BRAAHHHMMS everything into surreality.
6:35 - Leonardo diCaprio is here, nominated for J. Edgar, a movie I forgot happened. Like, completely. I am to understand that most people feel the same way, including those who actually saw it.
6:34 - Salma Hayek looks stupid good. The second this kid is out, I’m stapling her picture to my elliptical machine and running towards it.
6:33 - Well, maybe not myself. Maybe one of you. Who volunteers? IT’S FOR A CAUSE.
6:32 - Whenever Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are around, however, I am filled with joy and magic and unicorn dreams. If they ever divorce, I will immolate myself in protest.
6:30 - Whenever Claire Danes looks excited and perky, I don’t trust it. I only trust her when she’s presenting her standard bitch face. Perky can only mean she’s about to walk away with someone’s husband.