10:38 - Yes, good night everybody. Thank you for joining me for one of the dullest nights of your life. But what it lacked in excitement it also lacked in Franco, so we’ll take what we can get. Till next year!
10:35 - Yay The Artist, yay French people, and yay Uggie, FINALLY. We can go to bed now.
10:32 - Really? Tom Cruise gets the last word? The ghost of Taylor Lautner’s future?
10:29 - I’ve never been so disappointed Meryl Streep won something. In her defense, I bet she kinda is, too. She was rooting hard for Viola.
10:27 - Colin Firth is the kind of flawless, magical human being who admits in front of millions that he was in Mamma Mia, and that is one reason I love him.
10:26 - Rooney Mara’s inner-monologue: “I am aloof. I am above this. I am…oh dear Christ, I need you people to like me so much right now. Look at my bangs. LOVE ME.”
10:24 - As I said before, I’ve never rooted so hard for someone from a movie I had so little interest in. So can we start chanting VIOLA VIOLA VIOLA now or what?
10:21 - Yes, let’s wrap this up, people. I can’t last as long as I used to.
10:19 - Douglas Fairbohnks! I love Jean Dujardin. He is adorable to the max and completely foine.
10:17 - Some behind the scenes fun facts: I tried to do an SRL of “Best Acting Oscar Nominations That Required the Least Amount of Acting” but this was so designed completely around Brad Pitt in Moneyball that I couldn’t even come up with a rest of the list.
10:16 - Gary Oldman is ageless finery.
10:15 - I want to lick Jean Dujardin’s eyebrow.
10:13 - Natalie’s hair looks terrible. It looks like it was in an up-do that fell out and she didn’t have time to fix it.
10:11 - Some of these talking heads are actorating like crazy. There is very little genuine film fan action happening here. Philip Seymour Hoffman was gunning for Oscar #2.
10:05 - Okay, Peter Falk’s “as you wish” may have just gotten me teary.
10:05 - This is a very classy montage, and free of applause so far. I like it.
10:04 - Seriously, the music is too loud. Has been all night. How have they not figured out this volume situation yet?
9:59 - Guys, I feel very guilty and wrong saying this, buuuuut are we going with Whitney Houston as a huge screen talent? She was in movies and should absolutely be included, but being highlighted as the biggest part of it in these previews just doesn’t seem right.
9:55 - Travolta, honey, your plugs have gotten out of hand and are now creeping toward your nose. We know. You cannot fool us with that sad situation on your head right now.
9:54 - I think Michel Hazanavicius might be Jeremy Sisto in the role of a lifetime.
9:50 - Michael Douglas is looking much better than we last saw him.
9:47 - “With no clear favorite, anyone could win,” voiceover lady says as Rooney Mara shrugs as though to say “but not me, obviously. Not that I care. For I am ALOOF as only truly ALOOF people can be self-obsessed enough to describe themselves.”
9:46 - Is the Velvet Goldmine-looking one bleeding from the shoulder?
9:45 - When I win my Oscar, I too shall wear a jaunty chapeau.
9:44 - Okay, thank god, Wendy and Ellie get to be real people too. I was nervous for them.
9:41 - Okay, Rose and Melissa are allowed to talk now. And they’re doing shots. It’s like they know us.
9:40 - I obviously love Maya and Kristen, but why were poor Ellie, Wendy, Rose and Melissa even brought up if they’re not allowed to speak or get on camera?
9:38 - Hey, people I like! And they all look so pretty.
9:36 - …Milla Jovovich is eyefucking the shit out of us right now. Does she always do that? Is that new? Did she use some bad Visine?
9:31 - So, why are we asking Adam Sandler to discuss the magic of cinema? He’s devoted the last fifteen or so years to 2 Girls, 1 Cup-ing all over it.
9:29 - That was…an interesting choice to show for Midnight in Paris. But, hell, it won so good for it. I liked it well enough. Mildly overrated, but worlds better than You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger which I actively hated.
9:28 - THE DEAN MUST BE CELEBRATED.
9:26 - It’s genuinely as though she showed her leg for the sole purpose of saying “see? There’s still some living flesh on my body.” Also, look at her forehead. Part of it is blue. She is LIT’RALLY an extra from Death Becomes Her.
9:25 - Ew, that corpsified skeleton is trying to be sexy.
9:24 - OH HI, BUSY PHILLIPS.
9:18 - Thank god, because there was no way I was going to be able to stick with that. YAAAAAAAYYY!!!
9:17 - Seriously. If “Man or Muppet” doesn’t win, I will go on a hunger strike.
9:16 - I wonder if they’ve asked Will Ferrell to host and he’s said no every year. Because he’s always part of the best part.
9:15 - I did the same during Moneyball. But I stayed awake during The Artist, which puts it ahead of all other films this year.
9:14 - Super for real confession time: my delicate condition has made me very sleepy and very impatient. Consequently, I feel asleep so hard during Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy that I’m amazed I didn’t start attempting to use my popcorn as a pregnancy pillow.
9:12 - My child is kicking like mad right now. I like to think she’s in there saying “this shit is weak. Put on a Star War.”
9:10 - Six thousand members? And the majority of them concurred that War Horse and Extremely Loud were among the top tier of film this year? That’s a lot of wrong. More accurately, that’s a lot of people who ignored the shit out of their screeners and voted for their friends or people they’d heard of on the teevee.
9:08 - Seriously. Nick Nolte looks like Kenny Rogers fell into the roaster.
9:05 - YES I AM READY TO GO BACK TO TITANIC, BILL PAXTON. Spoiler: I’ll be liveblogging Titanic in April leading up to the 3D release.
9:01 - Bless him, I love Christopher Plummer. He’s just a loveable pile of precious.
9:01 - Jonah Hill’s face just said “seriously, how did I get here? Even I know this made no sense.”
9:00 - I want to give Nick Nolte’s face to my dog so she can chew it and have healthy teeth.
8:58 - Melissa Leo just won for Most Effort Exerted by a Presenter. Even more than Gwyneth’s looking-arounding, which was high school musical levels of over the top.
8:54 - He also hates how over him she’s towering. The man is miserable tonight. This night ends in him berating the writers again. Like he does every year.
8:53 - Emma Stone is my imaginary celebrity best friend. And you know Ben Stiller hates that she’s owning this. Hates it.
8:51 - I adore Melissa McCarthy and this is not about her, but the writers haven’t made a single effort tonight. Even slightly.
8:47 - You know, maybe I’ve never actually seen Gore Verbinski before, but there is a great deal of Andy Richter in that face.
8:46 - Chris Rock is having the best time saying people’s names. No one else does that. I like it.
8:45 - I’m so sad that Chris Rock’s next movie is What to Expect While You’re Expecting. Sadder that the one after that is the Grown Ups sequel.
8:43 - These are pretty much some dude-brahs right here.
8:42 - I literally just woo’d for Paradise Lost 3. But it didn’t win. I like to think my “woo” was prize enough.
8:40 - Is the wristcuff the new thing this year? I need seven. One of them should be a slap bracelet wristcuff.
8:38 - You know, it’s not like I’m disappointed, I just really felt like someone was going to fall on Stacy Kiebler.
8:37 - Given that Cirque de Soleil is my largest source of info, I choose to believe that all Quebecois at some point learn to stand on the heads of other people. Because I cannot imagine how else one learns that they are able to do it.
8:35 - Thank god, this night needed some Cirque damn de Soleil.
8:34 - Miss Piggy has the best hair of the night.
8:26 - They’re using lots of Chris Pratt scenes for the Moneyball nominations. I approve. Next year, Mouserat should be the house band.
8:25 - Le sigh. Drive, you deserved so much more than one paltry nomination.
8:23 - They’d really earn this award if they followed Rooney Mara around and just edited her every word for the rest of her career.
8:21 - Tina looks pretty, and Bradley looks like the fanciest emu in the old west.
8:20 - I take it all back, the presence of all this Christopher Guest-ery is warming my heart cockles and I’m full of happiness.
8:18 - When your sketch bit needs that much build-up, it might not go well.
8:18 - Ooh, Ashley Judd crazed, running and out for revenge? I miss 1998 so bad right now.
8:16 - I would just like to say that I hate these smug-ass AT&T commercials.
8:14 - I am digging this shit out of this violin action.
8:11 - I don’t think I’ve ever so badly wanted actresses to win for a movie I had so little interest in seeing. So, yay Octavia.
8:10 - Aw, Jessica Chastain hugging up against her mom was adorable. Assuming that was her mom and not some rando broad.
8:09 - Thirty-nine minutes in, and my first giggle of the night. Not a big giggle. Like a “what an amusing line in this copy of the New Yorker” giggle.
8:05 - I’m about to sound like my mother, but no one looks good with that tight ponytail look. Not even you, my beloved Sandy B.
8:01 - Barbra is going to be SO MAD when she sees that she was second to last in favor of Adam Sandler.
8:00 - Hilary Swank has been a longstanding joke on us. I don’t understand why she is a thing who is a thing or why they keep letting her do things.
7:59 - The approving glance of a Gwyneth Paltrow is the last thing you see before you are killed so she might make an oven mitt out of your stomach lining. That’s a true story.
7:58 - We were clearly not invited to the slumber party Jen and Cam were just having on stage but no one cares about you two, people who will never win Oscars and peaked ten years ago.
7:57 - Cameron Diaz has not yet fully de-Channing-ed yet, has she?
7:55 - I’m calling it: bald men are having the best night ever. Bald men and that Kenny Rogers-Sam Elliot hybrid who won a bit back.
7:54 - Well look at Jennifer Lopez in one of Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter’s finest. Also, why does she keep doing her hair like that?
7:52 - All the goodness in this montage (and I LOVE a good montage) was severely undercut by having Twilight as one of the first few. Gross.
7:51 - Confession time: I like Forrest Gump. So screw you ALL.
7:47 - I missed the red carpet so I will be seeing these dresses for the first time. And Meryl is wearing the fanciest tablecloth I’ve ever seen.
7:45 - For Italy!…is what I’m usually saying to my wine right now. But not this year. Thanks a lot, FETUS.
7:44 - I want to curl up in his hair and sleep for days.
7:43 - LOOK AT THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.
7:43 - Is the sound off? Or, maybe too on? I don’t know. It’s like the HD of sound. It’s too real for my liking.
7:42 - Tom Hanks beardface? Oh I don’t know.
7:40 - I feel like it’s too easy to say this is bad. It is more accurate to say that it seems hastily thrown together. And we know it wasn’t. They’ve known he would be hosting for a long time now.
7:38 - Oh man, Kate Capshaw’s lips have taken a turn for the Barbara Hershey.
7:37 - Dear Billy song, please be better than Billy montage. Because that was ROOF STOOF.
7:36 - Sorry I was late (or, rather, the most punctual I’ve ever been in history), you guys. I was at a birthday party for a three-year-old, so you can’t be mad at me.
7:36 - That wasn’t as much underwhelming as it was de-whelming, like an erection deflation. I’d imagine. I mean, I don’t know.
7:35 - This is just things happening. This is not spoof, parody or joke. This is just random footage cobbled together and aired. I don’t approve.
7:32 - Justin Bieber’s new hair color is kind of what I want to ask for next time I go to the salon. Is that wrong? Or is it exactly what he WANTS of me?
7:32 - Oh, Billy Crystal movie montages. I didn’t know how much I missed you until I didn’t have you anymore.
7:31 - Is it just me, or is the music too loud for poor Morgan Freeman?
7:30 - I’M HERE. LET US DO THIS.