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Limited Edition Trix Cereal Is a Marvel of Modern Science

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | January 25, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | January 25, 2016 |

Typically when a greedy corporate diabetes peddler like General Mills wants to boost sales of their cancer candies, they like to go bigger. Or they wrap everything up in bacon and fill it full of hot dogs and aspartame. However, they’ve outdone themselves with this latest production innovation.

Many of you must be familiar with Trix cereal. It’s the one with the anthropomorphic rabbit who attempts to steal cereal from little kids but is always rebuffed with the product’s long-running slogan, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids,” which is true because only a kid with arteries hardened by Egg McMuffins and Cinnabons could actually digest Trix. Three bites of Trix cereal would kill a rabbit dead.

Trix has gone through a couple of modifications over the years. Back in the 90s, General Mills changed the shape of the cereal from spherical cereal pieces to fruit-shaped pieces, in the hopes that they could convince parents that there was actual fruit-like substances in the cereal. The change proved unwise, as most American children raised on fruits immersed in cans of heavy syrup were unfamiliar with the actual shapes of fruit and were left confused and bewildered.

Recently, however, General Mills struck upon pure inspiration. The sweetened, genetically produced ground-corn pieces of Trix cereal have always contained a certain airy quality, as though hollow in the middle, which left consumers frustrated that they were overpaying. It’s long been a problem for Honey Comb cereal, too, which has literally six holes in every honey-flavored corn cereal bit, which means that 30 percent of every bite is literally nothing. Honeycomb has tried to offset this by creating larger cereal boxes to achieve the same ounce count, but in doing so, their cereal has been relegated to the taller, bottom shelves in grocery stores, along with Corn Flakes and Cheerios, which are only eaten by those who have already lost limbs due to diabetes. The other problem, of course, is that it takes 3 bowls of Honeycomb to achieve the heavy, sick feeling one gets from eating two bowls of, say, peanut butter Cap’n Crunch.

Trix, however, came up with an ingenious solution. Rather than make the Trix balls bigger and more airy, a new Limited edition run of Trix cereal contains smaller balls, which means more bang for your bite. Every spoonful is densely packed with fruit-flavored chemicals and cancer-causing dyes that make our taste buds shout “FUCK YES!” No longer do we have to eat multiple bowls of Trix in order to feel like bloated, lazy Americans. We can achieve that feeling in two bowls or less! And since the markup on sweetened cereal is astronomical (one box of sugar and government-subsidized corn cost General Mills only $.21 and is sold for $4), General Mills is losing very little money in the transition. It’s a win win for everybody!

Will it shave 5-10 years off our lifespan? Sure! Is it worth it? Absolutely! It’s also great for the economy. Despite shorter lifespans, Americans who eat smaller Trix balls will nevertheless spend more on health care and die sooner, meaning more fluidity in the housing markets, and more money for funeral homes, which not only have a surplus of bodies, but because of the chemical nature of Trix, less embalming fluid is necessary. Corpses come in pre-pickled!

It really is a stroke of brilliance.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.