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Let's Remake ... Rashomon!

By William Goss | Miscellaneous | September 2, 2009 |

By William Goss | Miscellaneous | September 2, 2009 |

“Barry-san! ‘sup?! Seems to be as good a day as any to get a haircut … Yeah, well, look up. … Well, no, Barry, not straight up! [scoff] Out the window, and then up. … Damn straight, I’m the one in the hot air balloon! On the one hand, the cell reception for my Bluetooth is bitchin’, and on the other, I’ve got a sweet pair of binoculars with which to fully appreciate that little ‘restraining order’ agreement of ours. But enough about that whole hubbub; let’s get down to movies for a change.

“So, a few months back, I was watching some re-run episode of “The Simpsons” - you like “The Simpsons,” right? Of course you do, who doesn’t? - and Marge and Homer were on a plane back from Tokyo or to Tokyo or some shit. All I know is there was a game show involved. Anyway, Marge tells Homer that Japan will be fun, and that he likes Rashomon, and then Homer says, “That’s not how I remember it.”

“Now, I don’t know who or what a Rashomon is, and maybe it was just the peyote kicking in, but I thought, “What if a few friends went somewhere, experienced something, and then each had a different version of how it went down?” And initially, I thought it could make a great comedy, but I got lazy and the next thing you know, The Hangover busts out and makes boo-coo-ca-choo bucks over the summer, and so I’ve gotta change it up.

“Instead of a comedy, we make it a thriller surrounding, say, a rape, like the kids go to a concert out in the middle of B.F.E. and two friends go into the nearby brush and then shit goes down, and we could start with the kids giving their testimony to the police or something. But, before people get too fussy, we make the rape victim a dude. When does that ever happen? I’d want to know how that turned out like that, and if I could eat some popcorn at the same time, I’d be doubly down.

“Now, here’s the twist: out of all these teens, it’s the girl who raped one of these guys, for something earlier. Not a rape-for-a-rape type of thing exactly, but some sort of major embarrassment that the others wouldn’t know about or put together. Well, screw it, maybe they did know. Ooh, maybe it was a pre-meditated gang-bang revenge scenario. No doubt we’d have an unrated DVD to flaunt if we decide to push things. You tell me.

“Uh-huh… well, yeah, it is basically Basic, only with a strap-on. You’re telling me you wouldn’t see that movie? Be honest now, no one’s here but us. Hey, just because you’re getting into your car doesn’t mean we’ve got to drop this discussion. Come on, don’t drive away from a hit here. Dude, dude, slow down, these hot air balloons aren’t all that easy to navigate. Okay, you’re kinda breaking up on me, Barry. So we’ll talk lay-tah!

“See what I did there? Hello?”

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