To recap: just over two years ago (and, yet, somehow five seasons ago) MTV debuted “Jersey Shore,” a show about vaguely Italian (though not actually Italian) dumb people living in a house together in Seaside Heights, NJ. In later seasons, it kept the name despite taking place in Miami and Italy. The show has been renewed for a sixth season (again, its sixth season in two and a half years, because we have fallen into a very orange vortex). This season, to be filmed this summer, will feature an 8-months pregnant Snooki and a recently rehabilitated The Situation. MTV says, “While things will definitely be a little different this time when they hit the boardwalk, their trademark hilarity and family dysfunction will remain the same.”
It should be noted that The Situation’s people (he has people) are citing “exhaustion” as the reason for his rehab stay. Rehab. For exhaustion. I guess spokesmen and publicists think if they use the excuse enough, people will buy it. And people might. Dumb ones at least, which given the “Shore” audience isn’t an unfair assumption. Plus, yeah, why wouldn’t you go to a rehab center for exhaustion? I mean, I do all the time. For the same reason I buy all my bedspreads at airports. That’s what goes on in those places, right?
In case there’s any confusion, no. No one goes to rehab for any reason except drug and alcohol dependency, perhaps combined with mental illness. If it were for exhaustion, they’d go to one of the finer Sandals all-inclusives. Six buffets!
So, here’s the thing. This is a television program dedicated to showcasing the drunken debauchery of several skanky orange people. And that’s all well and good. But now, more than two years (and going on six seasons—seriously, I can’t let go of this. How do MTV seasons work?) later, things are different. One of them is about to be someone’s mom. One of them has now ended up in “an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule.” And, given the nature of the rehab excuse, coupled with Snooki’s spin-off deal, one would imagine that both of these individuals are expected back at MTV HQ with a Jager bomb in one hand an an eight-ball in the other for their Season 7 pitch meetings.
Not that this was ever considered “entertainment” by many of us. But it was and is for some. The question now is, how can it continue to be?
If TMZ’s army of spies and gollums can be believed, Sitchypoo’s behavior has been going on for some time, with allegations of severe paranoia chiefly among them. Let me ask you this: for the type of individual with some manner of issue that would warrant a trip to rehab and would cause extreme paranoia (you know, such as exhaustion), what kind of corporation would continue to allow that person to exist in a situation (pun unintended because his name is stupid) where they are being constantly followed by cameras while funnel upon funnel of vodka and thong is poured down their throats?
That’s our MTV, ladies and gents.