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I'll Say Anything You Want To Hear: How Desperate Is Jennifer Aniston?

By Cindy Davis | Miscellaneous | March 8, 2011 |

By Cindy Davis | Miscellaneous | March 8, 2011 |

Dear Jen,

Are you really this desperate? I know it sucks being just another in a long line of Brad devotees and toss-offs, but hell, even Goopy moved on. Speaking of which, you two are starting to look alike and I’m not entirely sure it’s unintentional on your part. Hamming it up for a guest spot on “Glee,” are you? I hate to be the one to have to tell you, but if this is all you’ve got, it’s not working. Instead of making a witty, tongue in cheek advertisement, you’ve ended up with a metaphor for your life: Jennifer Aniston will do absolutely anything in an attempt to be relevant (but like the whole of her career, it’s a colossal failure). Your need for public acceptance drips off you like beads of sweat and I’m guessing even those cute puppies can smell the fear. Clearly the water you’re drinking ain’t that smart.

Now I do understand that in this day and age of Charlie Sheen, “Real Housewives” and people who become famous overnight, old school celebrities might feel a bit bewildered. You don’t know how to compete for attention, so you look to your advisers in the hopes they’ll send you in the right direction. But Jen, you’re not even getting that part right. Your stylist sucks, your colorist is blind and your agent must be a moron too, since he got you involved in this ridiculous ploy. Heck, from what I can tell you aren’t even helping Smartwater sales (Wiki: VitaminWater is Energy Brands’ most successful product) and here you are making a complete and utter ass of yourself. Meanwhile, for someone who claims to be upset over people focusing on your hair, you certainly spend a lot of time showcasing that disastrously blonde, insecurity cap you wear so sadly. I can’t think of another person in the public eye who spends as much time as you do, trying to convince the world you are happy with yourself. Give it up, we don’t believe you.

Do yourself a favor and get this thing off Youtube as fast as you can. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not going to sell any water and it’s not going to get you a spot on “Glee.” It may well be one of the stupidest commercials ever made.

In closing, I suggest you use the interwebs for good, find some old clips of “Friends” and take a long look at that adorable chick you used to be. Go back to her. Wash some of the bleach from your hair, put on a couple pounds, wear a splash of color once in a while. And instead of spending so much time worrying about what will make you popular, step back, deGoopify, find a way to get over losing Brad to that busty, skinny bitch and pop out a kid or two. (Some say that’s what we women are good for.) Acting just isn’t your thing.


A chick who just drinks regular water

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