A to Z had its fourth episode last night, and opinions on this show tend to range from “unrealistic, excessive, and boring” to “cute and cheesy and perfect for a Thursday night when I can’t contemplate having a whole ‘nother day of work left in this horrible week.” Personally, I’m in the latter camp. It’s not like I think it’s a good show, mind you. But it’s cute and fluffy without making me feel dumber, and sometimes you just need a show like that in your life. (Plus, Ben Feldman and Cristin Milioti are adorable as all hell.) What does bug me, though, is the gimmickiness. Second only to Katey Sagal’s constant voiceover narration, is the gimmick of the episode titles. Each episode moves down the alphabet of their relationship. Episode one was titled “A Is for Acquaintances,” followed by “B Is for Big Glory,” “C Is for Curiouser & Curiouser,” and “D Is for Debbie.” Now, sure, these are fine and serviceable titles, but wouldn’t it be better if they more accurately tracked the course of a typical relationship? That might serve to give this show the little bit of edge it needs. We could start with:
A Is for Acquaintances - Sure, we can stick with that one. But B? Rarely does “big glory” come that quickly. (Unless we’re talking one night stands, which is a totally different show.) No, nowadays it’s more likely that:
B Is For Beginning to Text More Frequently
C Is For Clitoral Navigations (This is the third date, after all.)
D Is for Drinking Too Much On a Date and Embarrassing Yourself
E Is for Everybody Poops. You’re Going to Have To Do It In Your New Boyfriend’s Apartment At Some Point.
F Is for F*cking and Punching: Exploring Your Partner’s Kinks
G Is for Getting Scared and Pretending Like the Last Step Never Happened
H Is for How Did We Make It This Far Without Me Knowing What Your Favorite Color Is? It’s Blue? That’s a Boring Favorite Color.
I Is for I Was Just Kidding! You Have Really Great Taste In Everything, Or I At Least Now Know Not to Joke-Criticize You About Anything Ever.
J Is for Jealousy (Can’t have a relationship show without an episode or two or all dedicated to jealousy.)
K Is for Kids: You Want ‘Em? ‘Cause My Clock Is Ticking, Dude.
L Is for Let’s Discuss Crazy Exes.
M Is for My Dating History Is Way Crazier Than Yours and Now I’m Uncomfortable.
N Is for Now I Wish I’d Never Brought It Up.
O Is for Open Relationship? You Were In an Open Relationship With Your Last Girlfriend? How Does That Even Work? I’m Not Into That, Let’s Just Get That Out of the Way Right Now.
P Is for Please, Let’s Not Fight Tonight.
Q Is for Quite a Loud Snorer, Aren’t You? I’m Just Going to Sleep At My Place Tonight.
R Is for Really, It’s Just Because of the Snoring. I Have a Big Day Tomorrow. Can We Please Not Turn This Into an Argument?
S Is for Silent Treatment.
T Is for Twenty Six? Are We Really Doing Twenty Six Episodes? That Seems a Little Crazy But Alright, ‘Cause…
U Is for Ur the Boss. I’m Too Tired to Argue.
V Is for Very Special Christmas Episode: Meeting the Families.
W Is for Who Are We Kidding, This Show Will Already Have Been Canceled By Now
X Is for No, Seriously, There’s No Way This Show Is Still On the Air. Let’s Just Wait Out These Last Few Letters.
Y Is For Y Did We Think This Show Could Last a Full Season?
Z Is for ‘Zounds, That Was a Waste Of Time.
Vivian Kane swears this list wasn’t autobiographical. …Mostly.