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ESPN Fires Horrible Person for Being Horrible

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | April 20, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | April 20, 2016 |

“Curt Schilling is a terrible human being whose value to society is nonexistent,” ESPN said in a statement today. “His employment with ESPN has been terminated.”

“Our network has had numerous controversies over the years, and we have employed a number of terrible people,” the statement continued, listing the names Harold Reynolds, Colin Cowherd, and Rush Limbaugh, “but Schilling is the absolute worst.”

The comments come after Curt Schilling shared a repulsively bigoted transphobic post on his Facebook wall and defended it in a lengthy blog post. “The Facebook post has since been deleted,” the ESPN statement added, “but it was gross. Trust us. There’s really no need to go over it. Curt Schilling is scum. That’s all you really need to understand.”

Schilling’s termination comes less than a year after he was suspended for comparing radical Muslims to Nazis. “He’s an asshole. What can we say?” an ESPN source added. “He’s probably a racist, too. He’s just an all around terrible person and we’re real sorry about all this.”

“To be honest,” the statement continued, “we knew when we hired him that he was a genuine piece of shit. However, we had hoped he would energize our diminishing subscriber base, made up mostly of red-state hillbillies who haven’t figured out how to cut the cord. It’s clear now to us that we should’ve gone with John Rocker.”

“And before Sarah Palin and the rest of the right-wing numbnuts get bent out of shape,” the statement continued, “This was not a free speech issue. We are a private company The First Amendment does not apply to us. Go back to 9th grade civics, you fucking morons.”