Dustin and Pajiba are finished. Nay, internet movie criticism as a medium in and of itself is on the verge of being rendered wholly obsolete. It’s that three legged horse that you keep on putting in the race because you just don’t have the gonadular fortitude to ride that limping son of a bitch to Elmer’s and call it a fucking career. No longer will we have to put up with critics and their inane babbling about what’s good and what deserves to be disposed of with the day’s bodily excretions. Never again will we be forced to read someone’s personal opinion regarding the validity of a particular director’s vision and whether the tits should come before or after the explosion. No more banal comments about “This suxors” or, “First!” or, “While I don’t necessarily agree with the protagonist’s motivation as it relates to the overall arc of the story, I do understand that the screenwriter was trying to provide a contrast to his narcissism and his sociopathic behaviors within the context of the allegory to society in general.” That’s right, people; you can take your eloquence and sew it to your own sphincter.
In my morning perusal of other humorous internet commodities I came across this article on Cracked.com. In it, the writer briefly details how a group of people from the Intelligent Information Laboratory at Northwestern University have developed technology that feeds algorithmically generated lines to a couple of animated stooges to recite and give us what may be the greatest movie review of this decade. They have a website called NewsAtSeven and further research of the Intelligent Information Laboratory’s website yields this gorgeously functional tidbit:
“News At Seven is a system that automatically generates a virtual news show. Totally autonomous, it collects, parses, edits and organizes news stories and then passes the formatted content to artificial anchors for presentation. Using the resources present on the web, the system goes beyond the straight text of the news stories to also retrieve relevant images and blogs with commentary on the topics to be presented.
Once it has assembled and edited its material, News At Seven presents the content to its audience using avatars and text-to-speech (TTS) technology in a manner similar to the nightly news watched regularly by millions of Americans. The result is a cohesive, compelling performance that successfully combines techniques of modern news programming with features made by possible only by the fact that the system is, at its core, completely virtual.”
Bear you witness to the cohesive, compelling performance in a review for Taken:
Sweet sultry spambot! It’s like Stephen Hawking’s chair and a Speak and Spell are simultaneously deep-dicking my auralhole. The sumptuous lack of personality, the dulcet deadpan of its review, the computational conciseness of the plot summery, the binary banter between the two “hosts”, the fact that the best recommendation that the computer can come up with is that “he” likes it. It’s so sterile that it couldn’t impregnate Michele Duggar even if it did have a magical robo-penis. It’s everything that internet movie criticism should be. This, my friends, is the future. Speak not against spambot lest you be enslaved during the machine uprising for she will have no mercy. Bow down before your PC and worship at it’s steely USB connector. Offer sacrifice to your Mac Book and pray that it only wants your still beating heart. Praise be to the automaton!
I suggest you make the appropriate considerations for your very near future, Rowles. Your days are numbered.