I don’t know why or how I got here. The only thing that I’m absolutely certain of is that I answered a Facebook message on Thursday and the next thing I know, I’m typing up what supposed to be a semi-daily column of sorts and I’ve got a headache with a heaping side of anxiety and feel suspiciously unclean. Mind you, that could just be from the gigantic in-law invasion of the weekend previous but I’m more inclined to believe that Dustin is far more skilled at Internet coercion than we are led to believe.
I’m usually game for anything so I figured why the hell don’t I give it a shot. But first I had a few questions and I needed a few questions answered. What do you want it to contain? What am I allowed to write about? Does writing for an American business automatically qualify me for citizenship? Does this constitute the first advance in the Great Snowy Invasion? Can I get paid in Eskimo kisses and whale blubber? How do you feel about the overuse of hyperbole? These are the things that kept me up all weekend. I would suppose that the copious amount of liquor and food combined with the constant din of thirty-plus people as they ate me out of house and home didn’t help either.
I was quite surprised by the response I received from our illustrious leader. I could write about whatever I wanted, post Monday-Thursday and, if I wouldn’t mind, could I relate it to pop culture once in a while? I considered asking Dustin if he had really thought this through or if he’d been into the peyote patch again, but I figured if he put too much thought into his decision he’d realize he’d just given a spot to a militant communist with no regard for the rules and regulations of The Man. Also, Canadian law pretty well absolves me from any responsibility for my actions, as our legal system is more like a loose conglomeration of polite suggestions of what a person should consider not doing than any real deterrent for deviancy.
So there you have it. I’ll be word salading all over Pajiba in the evening with whatever may come into my maple syrup-addled brain and perusing the comments section for your expected praise. Please note that I’m always receptive to constructive criticism and I’ve got a large circular filing cabinet right beside my desk where I will store all of your suggestions. I’ve also vowed to reduce my usage of profanity as I’m a real anonymous Internet personality now and that type of shit is just plain unprofessional for a nobody of my stature. Since this is my first attempt at this writing thing and I didn’t have a metric fuck ton of notice I’m at a bit of a loss as to how this ends so I’ll fall back on what I know best: hardcore Canadian nudity.