I think the last Super Bowl I watched involved John Elway and I only watched because I like the way he smiled while he played. He just cruised around the field, tossing that football with a big ole, laid-back grin on his face. I’ve tried to get into football and probably even got worked up on behalf of a boyfriend or two, but really — I just don’t give a shit. So for those of you who are like-minded or have other reasons you don’t want to watch this day of a thousand hyperbolic sportscasters and fans, this one is for you.
5. Go shopping. Now mind you, I don’t like to shop either, but certain things have to be done (groceries) and why not do them when the majority of the country is not out and about? Of course, there is the possibility there is nothing left at the grocery store, because apparently watching a day of football cannot be done without gorging oneself, but I’m guessing you will be able to find a shit ton of fruits and vegetables.
4. Go to the gym and exercise. While everyone else is laying about, stuffed to the gills with all the cheese that could be dripped on anything not moving and all the chips that could be dipped into something, you can hone that fine body of yours. And hey, maybe that hot dude or chick you’ve had your eye on had the same idea and Bingo! — you just found the love of your life while the rest of America ate themselves into a coma.
3. Set booby traps around the homes of friends and family. Get the jump on April Fool’s day and play all the practical jokes on everyone while they are otherwise occupied. Don’t wait for Halloween to toilet paper your asshole neighbor’s house — do it while he’s watching the Super Bowl. I can’t give you all the ideas because then some fool will do what I said, get in trouble and sue me, so I’ll leave you to your own devices.
2. One word: Puppy Bowl. They’re cute! They run around! They tackle each other! Sounds familiar, right? Well this bunch doesn’t just talk crap; they use their real animal instincts and somehow it makes more sense than a bunch of men in helmets headbutting one another and slapping each others’ butts (unless we’re talking porn).
1. And speaking of porn… Have sex. I mean, come on. Do I even need to explain this one? Day of television football or day of sex? Watch hours of something that could take 45 minutes if they didn’t stop every 20 seconds to practice sign language and make faces, or spend hours with your mate making O faces? Spend all afternoon shoving various foods in your face or practicing your variation of the 9 1/2 Weeks food scene? Falling asleep on the couch after having consumed too much food and alcohol and yelling at the TV or falling asleep on the bed because you’re exhausted from all-day sex? I rest my case.
And in any case, may your day be filled with food and screams of delight, may all your bets and dreams come true and may you make the Super Bowl Sunday decision that’s right for you.