Dear Diary: Is It Weird That Alex Jones Turns Me On?

These clips are not new. It doesn’t matter. Because it is never too late to jump on the Alex Jones bandwagon. You will have to get in line behind me. Because what you think you know about Alex Jones — crazy man, conspiracy-theory peddler, lizard person — is completely wrong. In reality, he’s a poet. He’s like a fire-and-brimstone evangelical preacher crossed with a WWF wrestler, and he delivers the words of an angel hopped up on roids and looking for somebody to bang in the backseat of a Volkswagen.

Is it wrong that I want to hate-fuck this Alex Jones screed?

new twitter bio: pic.twitter.com/715B5I76qz

— ▀▀▀▀▀▀ (@immolations) July 4, 2016

I need a goddamn cigarette after that.

In the next 30 seconds, you’re going believe in God. You won’t have any choice in the matter.

ok we have reached peak alex jones. peak alex jones pic.twitter.com/0XkEbJlyDh

— ▀▀▀▀▀▀ (@immolations) August 13, 2016

He’s completely mastered the art of negging.

pic.twitter.com/sW2Snzl5NS

— ▀▀▀▀▀▀ (@immolations) August 13, 2016

“You smell like failure!” Take me, Alex Jones. TAKE ME. Tell me I’m filth while you’re railing me in the stall of a dirty dive-bar bathroom. I have never been more turned on.

H/T me, a lone wolf & Brock Wilbur

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