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It's Time To Check Out's Halloween Offerings And Their Uses

By Jodi Smith | Miscellaneous | October 8, 2019 |

By Jodi Smith | Miscellaneous | October 8, 2019 |


Back in July, I took you on a journey with me to figure out what exactly was selling based on pictures. Now it is time to get into the Halloween spirit by looking at their spooky lineup of goofy products and the accompanying photos meant to entice you into gambling the $3 cost on it actually arriving.

Manspreading Skeleton - $3.84

It won’t arrive by Halloween, but if your 2020 decor theme is Dead Patriarchal Tropes, then Manspreading Skeleton is for you! He’s the perfect addition to a graveyard filled with tombstones engraved with “Not All Men”, “Problematic Feminist Eyeglasses”, and “You’re Not That Pretty Anyway, Bitch”.


Mixed Signals Window Stickers - $3

When you want help but you also don’t want anyone else exposed to the deadly supervirus let loose in your home by combining expired Four Lokos (purchased on eBay) with White Claw in your bathtub. “DON’T OPEN UGGS INSIDE”


The “Definitely Not A The Purge Mask” Mask - $1.80

Probably made from some odd-smelling plastic and lit up with eye-frying technology, The “Definitely Not A The Purge Mask” Mask is a steal at under two bucks. It comes in 10 colors, so you can color-coordinate your identity-covering mask with your crime clothes. A must for every American wishing to unburden themselves of morals. **made in China**


Fur Boots To Call Back To The Joke I Made Earlier - $.50


Eh? Eh?

Mesh “Pants” For Sexy Costumes - $1

Are you going as Sexy Elmo this year? May I suggest ordering pair WK03 and then not leaving your house?


Skeleton Hair Clips - $.65

Do you remember that scene in The Grudge where Sarah Michelle Gellar feels the ghost hands in her hair? This is nothing like that but is an affordable way to comply with your manager’s suggestion that you “lighten up and enjoy the season” while running the cash register at the Piggly Wiggly.


Cult Robes - $8

For some people, Halloween isn’t about candy, horror movies, or decorations. It’s about pulling off the biggest cult event of the year to align with the spoopy surges from the Earth at this time of year. And listen, if you run a cult you know that keeping those robes in stock for your followers is a real pain in the ass. They get blood on them, someone takes them home and shrinks it in the wash, or a sacrifice escapes wearing one of the cloaks. It’s neverending.

Wish has you covered here, as you cannot beat $8 each for your ritual robe needs, offering multiple colors to choose from. Why not brighten up your next virgin sacrifice with bright colors to usher out their last breath and the first breath of The Chosen One? Birth the Anti-Christ into the world wearing Royal Blue instead of Blood Red. The sky’s the limit, especially after you raise The Master.