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Can We Just Shoot Artie Lange Into Space Like the Human Garbage He Is?

By Vivian Kane | Miscellaneous | November 5, 2014 |

By Vivian Kane | Miscellaneous | November 5, 2014 |

Artie Lange is human garbage. He is basically an anthropomorphized turd who looks and acts like he was just sh*t out of himself, and then decided to walk around and pretend to be a real person. If that statement offends you, or you think it was just dumb or not funny, stop thinking those things. It’s just COMEDY. Or, at least I think it is, based on what Artie Lange himself has been dubbing “comedy” lately/always. I’m taking the word to mean that you can just say whatever stupid, incoherent rants are passing through your head, and no one can tell you not to because that’s just, like, your art or whatever. And, you know… censorship. Obama, ammi right?

If you didn’t already know Lange was a walking poo person, he sure proved it today. The gist of the story goes: yesterday this dude was watching ESPN, saw a hot broad and BOOBS. I mean, who could control himself in such a situation? Certainly not Lange. He decided Twitter was the perfect place to spew all the filthy things his penis brain wanted to do to Cari Champion, the host of the show First Take. These fantasies start off merely wildly inappropriate and totally rude (“The chick on ESPNs First Take is so fuckin hot!”), but quickly turns into a master/slave scenario, because Artie Lange totally isn’t a racist, you guys (says Artie Lange), that’s just where his mind goes when he sees black women. The whole thing, which spans nine tweets over half an hour, reads like something you might find scrawled in various bodily fluids on a bus station bathroom stall.

Then over the next day or so, he began to get some negative feedback. Shocking, I know, but bear with me. His scheduled appearance on Comedy Central’s @Midnight was canceled because Chris Hardwick apparently didn’t want to deal with the smell of human garbage on his set. ESPN spoke out (because Lange has, in the past, appeared as a guest on the network), calling his comments “reprehensible,” and basically saying they didn’t want to talk about it anymore, please don’t make them. So Lange came out on the internet to do the only thing he knows how: sh*t all over everything. Here’s his apology, via Facebook. His Twitter apology is a little less intelligible.

I’m about to say a few things I can’t believe have to be explained in a rational world. I observed that Cari Champion was a gorgeous lady. I then thought it would be funny to tweet JOKES about that observation. A decision which might be the end of modern comedy. I would rather load trucks for a living then ever apologize to one of these awful PC groups ruining the country. So that’s a NO. But if it upset the lady in question that’s another story. Let me say to Cari Champion if this hurt u in any way I’m sorry. I’m a comedian. Sometimes I’m funny! For the record my moms disgusted w the tweets. But if I based my humor on my mom I’d be broke.

They’re now telling me I can’t appear on @Midnight tonight cause of the pressure they’re getting from these groups. But who cares. I love the show & it’s my living but who cares. These groups have won again. All I care about is Cari Champion. Truly. But I’m sure you’ll be ok. You’re gorgeous & talented. I hope that didn’t offend u. To the PC army. Congrats! U won again! Gluten free cake! I’ve been asked not to appear on @midnight & uve ruined any chance I had at dating Cari Champion (That was a joke).

I’m not racist. I don’t hate women. And to u PC groups that did this I wanna be clear. Go FUCK yourselves! Now get back to saving the world. Done. Peace.

Oh my god, where to even start with that mess? Look, no one’s saying Artie Lange has to make a public apology. If he’s cool being an asshole, let him be an asshole. But can we be done with dudes hiding behind the label of “comedy”? Just because you call yourself a comedian doesn’t mean you get to say every thought that comes into your head. I can CALL myself a doctor, but it doesn’t mean you’d be cool with it if I stuck a scalpel in everyone I came across. I’m no more a trained doctor than Lange is funny, but I know that’s subjective, so let’s move onto point number two:

Cari Champion is a real person who can read your words, Artie Lange. It’s one thing if I buy a ticket to his show, sit down at the Laugh Factory, and hear him rant about a black woman he has slave-owning fantasies about. It would still be terrible. It would still probably go viral and get him kicked off of any and every show. But what makes the Twitter situation extra terrible is that he tweeted AT Champion. He tagged her in the post! That’s the equivalent of being out on the street, seeing a woman walk by whom you find attractive, and following her for half an hour, screaming your rape/abuse/slave fantasies AT her. And at everyone else who was just existing out in the world. So no, that’s not being a comedian. That’s being a terrible human being.

But sure, if you want to put the people who were offended by your racist, misogynistic tirade— pro tip: you can’t just say “I’m not racist. I don’t hate women” and then scream slave rape fantasies on the internet without people calling you a racist misogynist— if you want to put them in the same camp as lefties who avoid gluten, go ahead. See how that works out. (Hint: not in your favor.)

Vivian Kane thinks that everyone who goes the “He never said rape!” route, has a fundamental misunderstanding of American history. And humans.