When a group of a couple dozen white, angry, Let’s-Make-America-Great-Again militia men storm an Oregon wildlife refuge, there’s really only one ideal outcome. Oh, okay, maybe actual legal recourse would be a great outcome, but this is a pretty close runner-up.
This past Tuesday evening, Colin Meloy, frontman of The Decemberists, posited a perfectly reasonable hypothetical to Twitter:
And then, thank the heavens, he went a step further to start the erotic ball rolling. Because of bunch of dudes trapped in a northwestern government building together, with strong beliefs and stronger actions, are for sure going to start some sparks flying.
"They huddled together for warmth. The cold of Ammon's Ruger 22 against Brian's naked thigh sent a thrill up his spine." #bundyeroticfanfic— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
Meloy’s and the other immediate bandwagoners’ tweets introduced a range of erotic players.
"Jason pressed Jed against a rack of "Birds of Oregon" books; his breath was sweet with jerky. Somewhere, an egret cried" #bundyeroticfanfic— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
He gripped the ax handle, warmth being his only goal, when Jerry appeared clothed only in candle light. The ax fell… #BundyEroticFanFic— David Higgins (@dhiggsboson) January 7, 2016
"'It ain't snacks I'm hungry for, Trevor.' Ryan's heart was beating wildly beneath the quilted flannel of his shirt." #bundyeroticfanfic— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016
He wanted snacks, but what he needed was for Cletus' calloused hands to explore every inch of his body #bundyeroticfanfic— L30 L005 (@LeoLoos13) January 6, 2016
But the true fan favorite romantic lead was clearly “Ammon,” as in the group’s leader Ammon Bundy (pictured left).
"Even through the verdant murkiness of his night-vision googles, Ammon knew Jimbo was the man to take his innocence." #bundyeroticfanfic— Christopher Korp (@ChristopherKorp) January 6, 2016
Ammon exercised his right to Jed's bare arms, stroking his fingers lightly down until he reached Jed's loaded weapon. #bundyeroticfanfic— Laura Packard (@lpackard) January 7, 2016
"Did you bring condoms?" Jed whispered. "Not to worry, we're protected by the 1st and 2nd Amendment" Ammon replied. #bundyeroticfanfic— J Julian Christopher (@JulianChristo) January 7, 2016
#bundyeroticfanfic Ammon hesitated. “Isn’t this against the laws of nature?” ”Laws?” panted Dwight, “We make our own laws, Ammon."— Remittance Girl (@remittancegirl) January 7, 2016
Actually, there was one other truly spectacular thing to come out of this scenario. No one is on the side of these men. I think honestly literally no one. And 40 million completely badass bird watchers just basically declared war on the occupiers. I don’t know if anyone has ever considered birders to be totally deadly adversaries, but apparently we should all be (and have always been) terrified. Absolutely terrified. Of bird watchers.