Guys, this is a magical time. Because, tomorrow, Titanic comes out in 3D. Everything is going to be okay.
For those of you who will be there in the theater, prepped and ready for propeller guy to be flung at your face in glorious 3D, I urge you to print this and bring it along. Or, even better, keep your phone out and read along. It will be worth the glares, hisses and beatings.
For those of us who hate 3D because it hurts our old heads or because our eyes don’t work right, too bad, because the movie has actually been pulled from the shelves, Disney Vault-style. You can’t even rent it. Believe me. I tried. Luckily, I went to the one person a girl can always count on for a big wheel of cinematic cheese: her mama. So, go to your mom’s house, grab her DVD or VHS double-tape copy (that’s how you knew you were watching a classy picture - double-tape).
So grab your Dunkaroos and throw on your nicest Ring Pop. Because it’s time to go back. Back to 1997.
0:00:54 - I always forget that this movie opens with old time-esque footage, to remind you that lots of people died, but they’re not the point of this movie. Two teenagers in love are. Never forget that.
0:02:14 - And then JUST LIKE THAT we’re in The Abyss. The boat is serving you moldy realness. And Bill Paxton is serving you enormous hoop earrings. Those things must weigh two pounds apiece.
0:03:32 - I always forget about Harry Knowles-esque comic relief guy, who looks like if Dick Dreyfus had a son who sells concessions at String Cheese Incident shows. I’ve never seen this movie and remembered that guy is in this movie. He is the Sam Worthington of Titanic.
0:04:12 - I’m already over Paxton’s dramatic voiceover and his Point Breaky hair.
0:04:40 - Paxton just put a sweater over an open button down shirt. That is McConaughey levels of “whatever, man, I’m just here to chill.”
0:05:36 - Is tiny boat camera supposed to be so adorable? Because I love it. I want to ride it around. It’s like Johnny 5’s dwarf cousin.
0:06:31 - Again, we’re looking around at all this wreckage, the eternal grave of 1,500 people, and even all the crew in the movie takes from it is “look! Boobies!”
0:07:31 - We should really all invest in circa-1914 headboards because that shit holds up.
0:08:07 - TINY BOAT CAMERA HAS TINY HANDS, YOU GUYS. I want to give birth to it.
0:08:36 - I hate you so much, Harry Knowles-esque comic relief guy.
0:09:06 - People love declaring “mission accomplished” for no real reason on boat decks. Also, rust water and 80-year-old smushy paper is gross.
0:10:09 - I don’t know how science works, but would they have been able to clean off that drawing that easily? I mean, it’s muddy, but with a light spritz, it cleans off perfectly.
0:11:08 - Look at Suzy Amis. Strutting around in a midriff top like she isn’t living in constant fear of Sarah Connor crushing her skull into a fine powder, then mixing that powder into her daily protein shakes.
0:12:05 - See? “Look! Boobies!” That is always the takeaway from any grand discovery.
0:12:38 - Paxton loves sweaters like Jack loves Rose, y’all.
0:13:10 - Gloria Stuart’s look to the camera signals that she too is all, “Look! My boobies!”
0:13:43 - Comic relief guy is wearing a kinda-but-not-really Watchmen t-shirt. And he’s yelling a lot. The fulfillment of all ’80s/’90s comic relief guys is to yell a lot. He does this with aplomb.
0:14:14 - Not only is he yelling a lot, but he’s yelling exposition a lot. Please note that Rose married a gentleman after her time sailin’ ‘round the ocean (*please take a ’90s break for this video*). Do take special note because this is important later. Oh, wait, no it isn’t. She barely remembers him and certainly does not even pop by to see him when she drifts off to boat heaven.
0:14:37 - She shows up at what is at most a three-day trip with at least ten suitcases and proper trunks and a fucking pomeranian. Basically she ages into the most annoying old woman on the planet. But she used to have a sweet rack, so it’s okay.
0:15:59 - Remember when every jewelry store sold a shitty knockoff coeur de la mer? What a special time.
0:16:27 - You know, Suzy Amis looks like Linda Hamilton and Sissy Spacek had a baby and that baby got about four lines in a movie and the goldmine that is James Cameron’s bank account. Way to go, that baby.
0:17:57 - Look, you guys! ’90s computer animation! Straight up Sims-style.
0:19:23 - When Bill Paxton asked, “Will you share it with us?” I bet he wasn’t asking for a three hour story about the poor guy she banged, but she’s old, Bill Paxton, you get what you get.
0:20:45 - What is dark haired guy’s role in all this? His only line in the whole movie is to tell Bill Paxton Gloria Stuart is on the phone, then he stands there with an off-putting smile for the rest of the movie.
0:22:09 - If we’re being on the realz here, Kate Winslet’s hat is the best reveal intro ever. And Billy Zane’s bowler hat is hilarious.
0:23:06 - I love vaguely English rich people accents in movies.
0:23:36 - The feather on Frances Fisher’s hat is about six feet tall. The bigger the hat feather, the bigger the corset-tightening bitch mom, that’s what I always say.
0:24:32 - Leo’s chicken pox scars really deserved their own credit. Their performance is subtle, but heartwrenching.
0:25:22 - You know who the other worst character in the movie is, besides Harry Knowles guy? Fabrizio. His whole character direction: “Be foreigny.”
0:26:41 - I’d like to take a moment to talk about Leonardo di Caprio. His floppy hair and I had a very serious love affair back in 1997/98. It was powerful. A love like ours really can touch us one time and last for a lifetime, you guys.
0:27:50 - Whenever a movie is a story being told by someone, I always wonder if they’re supposed to be telling the story with the level of detail we’re seeing on the screen. “And then the ship departed and passed two tiny sailboats to show just how fucking big this damn boat was, and then there were poor people and steerage and everyone had lice…”
0:28:57 - And I would like to now discuss my most loathed trope in the history of period pieces: the retrospectively hilarious wrongness of the characters. “Picasso will never amount to anything! And let me yell unnaturally about how unsinkable this ship is some more.” It all bugs me.
0:29:30 - You can almost hear in Kathy Bates’s voice how annoyed even she is by how over the top she’s being. Jimmy Camz does NOT like a subtle performance.
0:30:56 - It occurs to me that I don’t really understand boats. That boat is really big and there’s a lot of shit on it. It seems like it would be much more sinkable than Billy Zane was going on about. But I barely understand canoes, so this is all pretty much beyond my realm.
0:31:21 - You know, it’s a touch Simsy, but the FX pretty much hold up.
0:31:47 - The front of that ship is super pointy. Those dolphins are all about to be shredded like cheese.
0:32:34 - There’s something about a “Whoo!”-ing Leo that just seems wrong. That guy has never “whoo”ed or “yeehaw”ed in his life outside of this movie, even that time Blake Lively learned that new trick in her core strip aerobics class, Pole-ates.
0:33:48 - This movie is a veritable hat parade.
0:34:08 - I wish I smoked out of a sweet cigarette holder.
0:34:35 - There’s just something generally penis-y about Jonathan Hyde.
0:35:08 - Okay, Billy Zane: wig, or real? I’m going wig. He looks downright Piven-ian.
0:35:49 - Every foreign side character only exists to die in this movie. Like Irish guy who makes sure to say “shite” and “arse” so you know he’s Irish in case you couldn’t tell.
0:36:48 - How can she be so suicidal in such a fabulous gown? Also, I feel like there must be SUCH a deleted scene between her sitting solemnly at dinner and her running, hair now down, toward death’s icy waters. But I don’t know what it was. I bet Zane insulted her paintings by Pih-coss-oh-something again.
0:38:50 - “Don’t do it.” Never has a line reading been so lifeless, Leo. This is a Jim Cameron movie, damn you!
0:39:27 - She’s a very annoying suicidal person. Honestly, I’d let her go.
0:39:59 - Her eyebrows are like chocolate sculptures, though. The eyebrows must live.
0:40:51 - 85% of Leo’s lines: “have I mentioned that I am from Wisconsin? Because I am from Wisconsin. We don’t have too much in the ways of fancy jewels or money. Not in Wisconsin.”
0:41:48 - Oh, she’s at the back of the ship? I guess I never really paid attention before. Makes a lot more sense than the front, though. Though that would be a DEATH. Fall, splash, SLICE.
0:42:45 - This is really why you need to dress much more sensibly when you’re going to leap to your death in the middle of the Atlantic.
0:43:25 - Here’s the thing about Billy Zane: he will go from zero to sixty and fucking cut you with his widow’s peak.
0:44:41 - Billy Zane in Titanic = Pete Campbell with a bigger temper. He’s a penis, too. There’s so much penis in this movie and none of it in anyone’s pants.
0:45:30 - Leo just got pwned by Chancellor Gorkon. I hate when that happens.
0:46:39 - You know, that necklace is just gaudy. A nice simple chain with a small charm would have sufficed. You can’t run around sporting that necklace with her hat collection. She’s far too top heavy.
0:47:38 - “Just a tumbleweed blowin’ in the wind. That’s just somethin’ we say in Wisconsin. It’s in the midwest. We don’t got much money or shiny baubles. Not in Wisconsin.”
0:48:15 - Kate’s hair in this movie is like fancy red cotton candy I want to eat.
0:49:15 - This was Kate’s Oscar clip. I remember it vividly because I wanted her to win SO BAD you guys. I missed the mark but hit the tree. I’m glad she’s so awesome because James Cameron really pulled horrid performances out of everyone in this movie with his Camerony ways. Except your friend Billy Zane. That’s really just as good as he gets.
0:51:11 - Cameron drew all the pictures for this movie. I’m going to go out on a limb and say he affaired the shit out of every naked chick subject under the promise that they’d get Suzy Amis’s part.
0:52:25 - Frances Fisher’s hats just get bitchier and bitchier as the movie goes on. And the Countess’s hat is made of dead Easter bunnies.
0:53:16 - Every Ismay line: “MAKE THE BOAT FAST. WE’RE UNSINKABLE. DID I MENTION THAT WE CANNOT SINK. THERE IS IRONY IN MY WORDS. GO FAST NOW VROOM TIMES.” Also, seriously, how pissed would you be if your sweet expensive cruise got cut short by a day just for the giggles of some penis with a stupid mustache? The passengers weren’t even offered a complimentary pina colada for their troubles.
0:55:04 - Now’s a good time to tell you fine folks at home that you are welcome to play the Titanic drinking game as you view at home. Drink every time Jack or Rose say each other’s names. Spoiler: at the end of the game, you fucking die.
0:56:35 - “We don’t have fancy dinner tuxes in Wisconsin. We don’t need much more than the shirts on our back and some cheese. Delicious Wisconsin cheese.”
0:57:24 - It’s really unrealistic how few Tommy Bahama shirts there are on this boat.
0:58:26 - I guess giant hats are for daytime; giant feather plumes are for night. It’s nice for someone to be cluing me in on the rules, because I wore my giant black dinner feather to brunch the other day and NO WONDER I got such stares.
0:59:47 - I wish I could dress fancylike like all these boat people. As I write this I’m wearing a tank top from college (so obviously there’s a giant belly hanging out) and my husband’s basketball shorts, so I’m pretty glamourous. But toss a beaded feather on my head and you could totally take me to a snazzy dinner.
1:02:10 - How does one take their caviar? How does one answer that question? Is it medium rare? On a cracker? I’ll take it medium rare on a cracker.
1:03:15 - “Life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. We don’t do that. Not in Wisconsin.”
1:03:45 - Billy Zane made his wig count. It counts so high.
1:05:41 - I like to think they did 40 takes of Leo asking directly into the camera if she’d like to go to a real party, and each was more awkward than the last.
1:06:26 - Poor people have so much more fun than rich people. Rich people don’t even know how to clap properly, as indicated by Cameron’s “clap like a three year old” direction to poor Kate.
1:07:58 - I remember the last time a guy wooed me with his sexy, sexy stepdancing, then spun me around until I nearly got flung into Irish steerage vomit. That’s how I got pregnant.
1:09:03 - So many drinks getting thrown and wasted. I’m too pregnant to not be bothered by spilled, unconsumed booze.
1:09:46 - Here’s the thing: guys are not impressed or turned on by the standing-on-your-toes trick. I know. I’ve tried it. A bunch. I’d try it for you right now, but I’m pretty sure I’d break literally every bone in my foot.
1:11:26 - It’s hard to take a man seriously as an angry tyrant when he’s wearing an ascot. An ascot is the least threatening accessory.
1:12:16 - Remember when people acted like Kate Winslet was somehow fat in this movie? Everyone in 1997 can go fuck themselves. She’s stunning and perfect and better than everyone else AND “My Heart Will Go On” makes her throw up. She’s a perfect human being.
1:14:23 - Cruise church is apparently where we wear our more subdued hats. The simpler, less froofy numbers with only ten dead minks affixed to them.
1:16:54 - Kate: “There aren’t enough lifeboats for everyone on board. It’s almost as though this ship might sink.” Billy Zane: “HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW UNSINKABLE THIS SHIP IS BECAUSE IT IS UNSINKABLE AND I AM WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING AND SO IS MY WIDOW’S PEAK.”
1:18:02 - Leo: “I’ve known you for two days and I am madly the fuck in love with you. I can’t offer you much, as we Wisconsinites simply don’t have much to give. Also, I will keep following you around this ship until you pay attention to me, but it’s okay because I am beautiful and so are my pock marks.”
1:19:27 - Ship gym: “I’m the ship gym. I guess they had those. Even I didn’t know people worked out back then.”
1:20:20 - Oh, y’all. I’m thirteen again. I am thirteen and feeling all kinds of new feelings. I TRUST YOU, TOO, JACK (drink). And I’m flying, too, Jack (drink). I’m flying.
1:22:22 - My husband just informed me that they’re making a Heavenly Creatures sequel. I’m mostly bringing this up to look away from the movie because I’m really nervous that I might get emotional if I keep watching that scene. I’M NOT PROUD OF THIS.
1:24:43 - “Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing only this.” *holding mom’s giant black dinner feather*
1:25:43 - What teenager owns a sheer robe? If you buy your teen daughter a sheer robe, she’s going to pose nude for poor guys, I’m just saying.
1:26:18 - My husband just asked, “I wonder what they used to call boners back in the day.” Easy. They were called “giant black dinner feathers.”
1:27:19 - It really is a lovely drawing. I’m just saying it looks nothing like Kate Winslet. It kind of looks like Gillian Anderson.
1:28:27 - Gloria Stuart: boner killer. I’m sorry, human giant-black-dinner-feather killer.
1:29:13 - Did they make Leo oily the whole movie on purpose? The dewy sheen of third class?
1:30:25 - “The water is very calm, making it hard to see icebergs. You know, icebergs. Those things we totally won’t hit. Though we do sure talk about icebergs and sinking a lot. It’s almost like we know this is coming and are purposely killing lots of people to make a good movie. Maybe it would be better if we just didn’t talk about it and played ignorant? Guys? No? Okay.”
1:32:29 - David Warner, in addition to Gorkon, was also in TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze and an MST3K movie, Quest of the Delta Knights. His career is like nerdy gold.
1:34:29 - “Put your hands on me, Jack.” *sets hand on boob* Bitch has moves.
1:35:28 - You know, I still don’t understand the logistics of the hand hitting the window. He hits the window, then does he just fall on her? Also, we’ve already seen her glorious early 1900’s cans. Why is there a blanket on top of her, therefore separating them? That’s not how sex works at all.
1:36:59 - Billy Zane wears more eyeliner than Zuul in this movie.
1:38:09 - “Oh shit, icebergs! We did NOT see this coming despite talking about icebergs and sinking this whole movie! OH, HINDSIGHT, you are a tricky mistress.”
1:38:37 - You know, what I really take from all this is that the passengers of Titanic would have been saved if the two crow’s nest douches hadn’t been jacking it to kissing teenagers.
1:40:38 - They hit the ice, you guys. I can’t be sure, but I bet everything’s going to be okay.
1:41:36 - This really is one of the moister movies out there.
1:42:30 - The whole last hour and a half of this movie makes me very nervous because I can’t really swim. I only dog paddle, Fezzik-style.
1:43:38 - You know what, Fabrizio, if you’re going to be all screamy foreigny about this, we are going to greet your death happily. E’ molto cattivo.
1:45:04 - That necklace weighs like forty pounds. He would have felt that going into his pocket. THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS FICTION.
1:46:48 - Shut up, penis, and listen to Victor Garber. I bet he’s regretting that sweet lifeboat idea right now.
1:47:27 - “She’s made of iron, she can totally sink, you guys.” - Fucking SCIENCE. Boats are BULLSHIT.
1:48:20 - I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m always just ever so slightly amused when men walk up very calmly and slap people in movies. I don’t feel good about that.
1:50:35 - You know what, I know Garber has other stuff on his mind, but the ship is going down and everyone is going to die except the really rich people and the crew. I’d take that drink.
1:52:03 - “Guys, this is getting ugly. I think we’re going to have to eat Fabrizio to stay alive.” - good ideas no one else but me is having apparently
1:54:06 - “Here, put your lifebelt on, so that you can bob around like a votive candle in a rustic yet elegant mason jar.”
1:55:06 - You know, in fairness to them with this whole lifeboat thing, they really aren’t very good at lifeboats.
1:56:55 - Mom’s wearing her “I’m a fancy fur-trapping pilgrim” hat. It really is the most sensible thing to wear. The floral lunch number would have been much too chilly.
2:00:49 - Hey, drinking game people, here’s the part where your liver leaps from your body and hits the propeller. Seriously, guys, we know your names. I go entire years without calling people by name. They can’t go a sentence without saying it at least twice.
2:02:40 - You know, that coat is soaking. I can’t imagine it’s doing much good. First the beaded dress, now her flimsiest, most seasonally inappropriate number with that damn coat. She does not make good death-appropriate wardrobe choices.
2:06:11 - You know, if she’d missed and cut his hands off, it would have made the “I’ll never let go scene” all the more difficult.
2:07:45 - “I just need to run back to my room. Hold the lifeboat. Are these things seating by class? I must bring my luggage. I’m bored. I need my tea.” Rich people are so annoying. I hope I’m never trapped in an inevitable death situation with some.
2:11:49 - I’d be really mad if I was that lady who got knocked onto a lifeboat, then pulled to “safety” back onto the ship.
2:12:50 - Mr. Fantastic will fucking shoot your ass if you don’t follow the rules of going safely to your icy death.
2:14:57 - Poor Billy Zane. So torn between being a self-saving knob and being a possessive abuser.
2:16:09 - This movie could only be made about teenagers. If Jack and Rose were any older and had met on vacation, she’d have been on a boat hours ago, no fire ax necessary.
2:17:51 - I’ve never noticed until this scene, but Billy Zane and Rob McElhenney were separated at birth.
2:19:42 - You know, fifteen years ago or so, I was riveted by every moment. (heh, rivets. Boats. …Right? That’s a thing, yes?) Now, I think the last twenty and next twenty minutes could have been cut easily. Because there’s no way Billy Zane was going back for her. He would have just gotten on a damn boat.
2:21:40 - Her makeup really has held up spectacularly. Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s oh-god-oh-god-we’re-all-gonna-die-fuck-it’s-cold-elline.
2:22:50 - This scene where they’re slip ‘n sliding down the hall always just looked fun. Were there ever an incredibly in poor taste Titanic amusement park, that would be the best ride.
2:25:16 - Have I mentioned that my biggest fear is drowning? Because my biggest fear is drowning. This movie makes me very uncomfortable.
2:26:36 - Do you think they had a big pool party in between takes? Like, a really inappropriate tasteless pool party? I like to think they did.
2:27:18 - “BASTARDO!” I hate you so much, Fabrizio.
2:30:45 - You know the last cello guy was like, “UGH, I guess if the other three are doing it I have to, too, but I do NOT want to.” Peer pressure is a bitch, cello guy.
2:31:25 - I know it’s all dramatic and pretty, but would Victor Garber’s fireplace really still be going? Seems awfully damp around there for a fire.
2:33:03 - I would just like to note that as I write this, the baby is trying to climb out through my skin (it doesn’t look dissimilar to this). She is clearly not a fan of this movie. I guess you had to be there, Ladybaby.
2:35:58 - RIP, Fabrizio. And may a flight of sterotype-filled canolis sing thee to thy rest. And vaffanculo.
2:40:52 - In fairness to the shitshow that was this ship, the electricity held on superbly.
2:41:30 - The worst part of this movie is sitting there thinking “Having the ship fall on me would be the way I’d least want to die” before remembering, oh, yeah, this is based on a true story and I’m an asshole.
2:42:41 - Scenes on the back of the ship are where the green screen has held up the worst. The people in the foreground are practically gray. Propeller guy has held up the best.
2:44:10 - Why is Jack such an expert on luxury liner sinkings? Is that common knowledge in Wisconsin? “We don’t know much about fancy book learning or caviar, but we know how to die on a boat.”
2:45:29 - This is how I think of waterparks, you guys.
2:46:33 - Oh, gumdrops, it’s time to get on the door. This thing is huge. No one in history has tried less to survive than Jack Dawson. Try another angle, Wisconsin, gawd.
2:48:29 - Poor people: the only ones with souls. - every movie ever
2:50:28 - You know, Rose saying “I’m so cold” to the guy who’s neck-deep in ice water is giving me the same reaction I feel when my husband implies that this pregnancy has been hard on him.
2:51:29 - “Promise me you’ll survive and never let go and marry some poor sap who doesn’t matter in the slightest iota and be the kind of annoying old lady who packs too much luggage and has been telling this story for, like, five hours.”
2:53:12 - It would really have sucked to be an extra on this movie. “Sit really still in the cold water. You, blondie, keep your face submerged. You’ll be fine.”
2:57:40 - NO, I DIDN’T CRY. You people are assholes.
3:00:29 - She recovered nicely from her near hypothermia.
3:01:07 - Gloria Stuart’s eyeroll after “he put a pistol in his mouth that year” is a pretty sweet old lady fuck-you.
3:01:46 - “There’s no record of Jack.” “There wouldn’t be, would there?” They don’t keep records in Wisconsin.
3:02:55 - You know, it really is kind of dick move that she kept the necklace and then just threw it away. I mean, what was the point of that? Jack had no emotional ties to that thing other than its ties to her boobles.
3:05:01 - I’ve always said I hope I die surrounded by nothing but pictures of myself. Just me doing awesome shit. Not my kids, not my husband, just me. Rose, you really are kind of the worst. But it’s okay, because now it’s time to go to moldy boat heaven.
3:06:13 - Maybe it was the age I was when this movie came out, or maybe it’s because people were stupider in the ’90s on account of too much Mondo, but I remember people being really confused by this ending. I had many arguments with other girls who insisted she didn’t die. And, yes, what I’m saying is I was that asshole kid who corrected everyone on everything. Still am. Screw your face.
3:07:34 - SHUT UP, IT’S TIME FOR THE SONG, YOU GUYS.
Well, this has been fun. I’m good for another fifteen years or so now. Godspeed, fair travelers, and, in the words of Fabrizio, “foreigny shit, foreigny shit, foreigny shit.” Never let go.