Dear Jessica Biel:
On March 10th, the world found out that you and Justin Timberlake had decided to break-up after nearly four years together. In Hollywood time this is practically an eternity, so I really want to congratulate you on that and focus on the staggering longevity of your relationship and not your failure as a companion to Justin.
You two were like royalty.
However, although both of your press agents assured us all that the split was a mutual decision and nobody was left in hysterical despair shrieking, “Justin, Justin, I love you, don’t leave me!” I think we all know better. I probably could have saved you some pain— which I hope you will be able to channel into your art— if only I had reached out to you sooner, but I sometimes find it hard to know where the boundary is between celebrity and the person who would like to touch the triple-threat celebrity with his hands.
Anyway, about two years ago when you first started to smother JT, I received an email from a friend who happens to be a concert promoter. I am now going to drop a bomb on you, Jessica. This is what the email said:
“Michael, again with the Justin Timberlake? You always seem to be asking about him, well, let me tell you that he came across as manufactured, soulless, and in spite of presenting not a single unexpected moment, still managed to pull off a good show. He exuded a fake sincerity that everybody around him seemed to lap up, too. He’s just a tiny fellow who was always wearing a pair of salmon-colored surfer shorts, and his girlfriend Jessica Biel was constantly clinging to him. It was weird, she sat in the front seat of the bar surrounding the stage and she never once took her eyes off of him, singing every word to every song, like she was 12, and he didn’t bother to look at her once. It was kind of creepy.”
Jessica, it’s pretty clear from this that your days with Justin were numbered before they even began. I’m sorry about that, as I, too have felt the sting of unrequited worship. Please forgive this clumsy analogy, but it honestly reminds me of my relationship with Heidi, my Miniature Dachshund, who only pays attention to me when she wants something. And you know, I hate being used, but I’m so needy and desperate for love that I can’t stop my enabling behavior, and I always end up creating a monster out of that which I love.
What’s up with that?
I mean you, you’re a celebrity, somebody who traveled constantly as a young girl and had a mother who was a “spiritual healer” (is that why you’re always working-out and are so muscular, because your mom never gave you any real medicine and so you had to develop your own superhero immune system by constantly doing crunches?) so it’s no wonder you’re riddled with insecurities and are all messed-up.
You went out with Derek Jeter, right? I mean, how crazy was that? He’s a pro athlete, which means he’s a walking factory of sex diseases, and he looks like The Situation. What were you thinking, Jessica?
Anyway, it’s not my style to pick away at people and be negative, so I won’t criticize your romantic choices.
I like to build-up people up, not tear them down.
I think you were awesome in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I really liked all the posterior shots of you and the convincing way you walked, ran and sometimes screamed.
I have yet to get around to seeing I Now Pronounce You Larry and Chuck, but I think the premise is just hilarious. Two straight guys pretending to be gay! That’s wacky!
I wonder what it’s like to be gay?
I should also tell you that although I have not yet seen Powder, as it went straight to DVD, I did watch the pertinent clips on-line, and saw that you were brave enough to be naked in that movie. It’s a good thing for an actress to do— play a stripper— because it shows both the beauty outside and the pain and resolve inside. It displays range.
In the clips I saw you poured hot wax over yourself and did this sort of physical fitness routine around a stripper’s pole and in some sort of net.
I’m not sure what you were getting at with that, but I presume it was complex.
I’m pretty complex, too.
Sometimes I get very complex feelings when I watch Justin Timeberlake dance.
It’s funny, because I feel this complexity with greater intensity and urgency than I do when I watch you do your stripper thing, and since you’re a girl with pretty hair and everything, and I’m a very straight guy, it seems kind of odd, doesn’t it?
Look, I know that JT is just a selfish and insincere white guy who likes golf, and we both know they’re a dime a dozen, but still, I find myself caring about him. I hate that, because I know he doesn’t deserve the worship of either of us. I don’t know all the wrongs he did to you, but Jessica, last year I sent him a choker I had made from acorn shells I had handed painted, and Mr. Sexy Pants never bothered to write back to thank me!
That’s pretty stuck-up, if you ask me.
Was he stuck-up, Jessica?
Did you ever see him wear that choker?
It’s hard to believe in heroes now.
People have been saying that the reason he dumped you— I mean the reason you mutually decided to end things— was because he fell for slut actress Mila Kunis. I don’t know, she’s pretty and all, but so are you! However, I guess she has a softer, more feminine look to her, a little less like a well-muscled person in the midst of a very successful gender transition. Do you think that Justin doesn’t like the man-body-look? I think the man-body-look can be a very good look.
By the way, Mila Kunis was in that movie Black Swan. She played a ballerina and made out with Natalie Portman. Maybe Justin is curious about same-sex encounters and that’s why he likes Mila Kunis, what do you think? Anyway, like you, Natalie Portman played a stripper in a movie, and personally, I think she made for a better stripper than she did a ballerina.
You should play a ballerina in a movie.
I once dressed up as a ballerina for Halloween.
It was fun.
Could you give me Justin’s cell number, as there are some pictures I really need to send him.
Jessica, I wish you nothing but the best in all your future projects, and am both sorry and excited that things didn’t work out between you and Justin.