film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb


America Can't Find Its Hat

By Miscellaneous | Miscellaneous | August 23, 2010 |

By Miscellaneous | Miscellaneous | August 23, 2010 |

It may surprise some of you to know that I enjoy taking the piss out of Americans on occasion. It’s not that I’m hostile towards our neighbors to the south, I just find it especially amusing that the majority Americans can probably tell you every handgun Smith and Wesson has made since 1852 but couldn’t locate Canada on a globe if you painted the country Red and White. I’m not saying Americans are stupid, far from it, but they do have a propensity for considering themselves the only place on the planet while the internets serve only as a means of communication with people that live “somewhere else.”

I often imagine what it would be like sitting in on an American geography or history class. What are the textbooks like? Did America invent oxygen or did they just discover it? Did they fight the World Wars alone or did they have the smallest bit of help? Was American cheese the first cheese or is it simply the king of all cheeses? It’s the type of thing that keeps me awake at night. So many questions yet so few answers. I think that somewhere, in one of those books, America actually discovered Canada but decided that they didn’t want such an untamed wilderness full of moose and French people so we were allowed to keep it. No, really, look it up. I think it’s under the heading “War of 1812” but I could be wrong.

When I was in school, we were required to learn about the U.S.A. in addition to our own rich bacon-y history. Topics included: notable wars that Canada had no part in, all fifty states and their capitals, the industrial revolution, important presidents, the Louisiana Purchase and so on and so forth. It just seems so odd to me that of two close neighbors who’s fates are intrinsically entwined, one neighbor would have almost no clue what the other one was about. They know about our socialist medicine, communist tendencies and love for beaver; but beyond that, they really don’t have even a broad concept as to whose sitting right on top of their head. They have no idea how a 1500 sq. ft. igloo with central heating is constructed, they haven’t the faintest clue how one would go about milking a caribou and they certainly don’t know that a Mountie isn’t just a name for a sex offender.

I would have thought that the peoples of California would be more enlightened in their knowledge of your mysterious cousins to the north. After all, they have a foreigner as Governor. But it would appear that having one of those immigrant people taking a big government jerb really hasn’t helped to convince them to expand there knowledge of foreign soils. If the following is to be taken as an accurate cross-section of California’s population, The Golden State may not be so golden. In their defense, though, I will say that a couple of the answers are right even if they are obvious.

Just do me a favour America, when asked where Canada is, at least be able to point in the correct direction and say, “Up there.”

"Mad Men" With Mutants? | "X-Men: First Class" Confirmations | Book Review: "Nobody Passes" ed. Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore