Look, I don’t want to start another Great Candy Corn Divide here, but we have to settle something once and for all.
Cats. What’s their deal?
Since I started writing here and subsequently became drunk with the power I feel putting together Pajiba Love every day, I’ve subjected you lot to a pretty unreasonable number of cat GIFs, stories, and videos. I do this full well knowing many of you are firmly in the “fuck cats” category of opinion. The thing is, I am, too. I don’t really like cats. I’ve never been a self-described “cat person.” I can’t even really tell you why I got my cat, but once I did, it changed me. Now when articles like The Atlantic’s “The Case Against Cats” come up, I get unreasonably defensive. I watched that new Netflix documentary about housecats that popped up on Netflix over the weekend. And believe me, watching a documentary about cats is never a thing I thought I’d do.
Let’s be clear, this isn’t about cats vs. dogs. I’m in no way saying cats are better than dogs because that’s ridiculous and also pretty much the same as comparing apples and, well, I dunno, cats. Cats stand on their own, as their own question. They are actual monsters, but they also have fuzzy little dumb faces that are impossible not to love. So let’s do this.
Pro: They’re adorable.
Con: They’re also basically tiny demon monsters way too closely related to these things:
Pro: Come on, doesn’t it make you feel all tough and dangerous knowing you have a little monster in your home? Also:
Con: If you die alone in your home, they’ll probably eat your face off.
Pro: They’re furry.
Con: They’re also probably definitely evil. Or, as Dustin said when he saw I was writing this, “Cats are worse than evil. They roll their eyes at evil. They look at evil and say ‘Fuck you evil I’m taking a nap.’”
Pro: This is my view at work almost every morning:
Con: They poop in a box.
Pro: There’s no pro to balance that out. It’s gross and it smells.
Con: They don’t give a crap about you.
Pro: They do care about food and body heat. And it’s pretty easy to convince yourself that’s love. Maybe it is. Maybe it DOES love me! My cat is different! (Says every cat lover in unison.)
Con: If you have a cat, it’s put its butthole (and those paws it uses to dig around in its litter box full of poop) on probably literally every surface in your home.
Pro: I mean, come on. Look at this thing.
Con. Seriously, look at this thing. It’s such an asshole.
Pro: They defy all logic. It’s pretty neat.
Con: They maybe possibly can carry a parasite that could contribute to schizophrenia.
Alright, have at it.