As we’ve discussed here at length before, the greatest, weirdest, most pervasive narrative surrounding this past Oscar season was that Leonardo DiCaprio deserved that Best Actor award because he suffered his ass off for it. He suffered during filming, he suffered all the years leading up to this one that he had to spend tragically and embarrassingly NOT being given Oscars, and his Revenant character, Hugh Glass, spent the whole movie suffering. Clearly, he’d endured more than enough for the Academy to rain Oscars down into his open grabbyhands.
Except one woman, a 64-year-old Californian named Allena Hansen is one of maybe only a handful of people in the world who can look at Glass’ torturous journey and roll her eyes with a resounding “meh.” To be clear, that’s the reaction I have to the movie itself, but I’m in no position to see a man being mauled by a bear and think to myself, let alone out loud, that he didn’t have it so bad.
But when Hansen said she thought DiCaprio’s character “got off extremely lightly indeed,” she knows what she’s talking about because in 2008, she was attacked by a bear and nearly died. You probably don’t want to look at the pictures of Hansen after she was taken to the ER, but I will relay this horrifying image that the attack “saw her lose 14 teeth and have her nose and ears bitten off.” At the time, she was walking her dogs when “A 150-pound bear jumped on her, forcing her to the ground before mauling her and ripping her skin and leaving her for dead.”
Luckily, her dogs kept barking and Hansen kept fighting until the bear got scared off, at which point,
She then managed to walk back to her car and eventually caught sight of her injuries. But even then she drove four miles to the nearest fire station for medical attention and she was airlifted to the UCLA Medical Centre.
There she underwent 10 hours of surgery to patch up her face, and surgeons even found an indentation in her bone where the bear had ripped at her face.
YEEEEAAAAGGHHOWWWBBLLLECH. Yes, compared to that ordeal, Leo’s CGI bear doesn’t really hold up, does it?
More of a bear cuddle.
Because also, Hansen would like to point out one more thing.
And while we’re at it, bears that big don’t drop dead from three stab wounds to the shoulder with a Bowie knife.
Oh, and Hansen has one other scene she’s taking issue with. You know how Leo rides his horse over a cliff and is totally fine? Yeah, she’s not impressed.
Having gone off a cliff or two on horseback, I can assure you that Leo can’t ride for s*** and Appaloosas (the breed of horse he rode) are a lot smarter than that.