9:59 - Oh thank god it’s over and I also just got confirmation that Maisie and Sophie did get 07.08.09 tattoos so everything is great I’m going to sleep before the struggle takes over good niiiiiiiiiiiiight ghjlshdgjshgjkdjkgjkfhgjhfgjkfdhjkgdhg.
9:55 - I’m typing that Mr. Robot won but it didn’t because Game of Thrones won and that IS FINE.
9:54 - Oh, shit, sorry, Nyquil happened and I imagined Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz were there—oh. Wait.
9:43 - Tatiana is such a nerd I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a Pajiban. HI TATIANA! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
9:41 - Between Rami and Sarah Paulson, tonight is a celebration of actors who’ve overcome a sibilant S.
9:40 - RAMI MALEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:37 - Tori Kelly really did do a lovely job with “Hallelujah,” the only song no one wants to actually cover the original version.
9:35 - HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER IS COMING BACK SOON. BATES MOTEL TOO. IT’S YOUR TIME TO WATCH THE SHOWS I ACTUALLY WATCH DURING THE YEAR.
9:34 - Everyone cried when we got to Gene Wilder, right? Not just me? Not just Theraflu?
9:31 - Emmy to whoever timed Bowie’s photo with “lord of song.”
9:30 - I’m just gonna lay down in fetal position until this song is over as is the only reaction to this song.
9:27 - Guests don’t usually make costume changes, BUT WHEN THEY DO THEY ARE TARAJI.
9:25 - Fun fact: I just took Nyquil. LET’S SEE WHO REALLY WINS.
9:20 - Have they ever announced the Memorium in countdown form? It’s…weird.
9:18 - MAGS. If she was there, I’d have hoped she immediately left as a fuck-you moment.
9:07 - I’m never sure what makes a guest actor, but shouldn’t Molly Parker count as supporting? Recurring?
9:05 - JORDAN YOU SHOUT OUT YOUR GIRL RIGHT NOW
9:04 - OK, now that they won, it should have been Lemonade. EVERYTHING SHOULD BE LEMONADE.
9:02 - OH FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
9:01 - OK, no, but on the chance it loses, Grease Live was SO GOOD.
9:00 - Thank you, Laverne. Bringing some goddamn elegance to the stage after all this Kimmeling.
9:00 - Can we all also agree that Once Upon a Time lost the thread, like, maybe mid-season two?
8:56 - No, but we all agree on Matt Damon, right? No one *doesn’t like* Matt Damon, correct?
8:54 - Matt Damon is better than people.
8:53 - The apple is brown, someone started it for him.
8:52 - THANK GOD, IF ANYONE ELSE WON I WAS GOING TO SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE.
8:50 - Sometimes I forget I have a platform because I’m just shittalkin’ with you people, but EVERYONE WATCH POPSTAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING. IT WAS SO GOOD.
8:47 - You know what, I had my hopes on Tig, but Patton deserves it and fuck he’s had a rough year.
8:37 - MY MOFF! I am always happy when Moffat wins things. OG STEVE AND SUSAN ADDITIONAL OTP. Because when you make a show inspired by your marriage, this is who you cast to play you.
8:35 - OK A) Courtney B. Vance was utterly fantastic and so deserves this. B) THAT ANGELA MOMENT. Oh I love it.
8:33 - FYI, Claire Danes, I judge because I care. Because I’ve been there.
8:28 - SARAH AND HOLLAND OTP
8:27 - SARAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy she won and I’m so happy she won for this and I’m so happy she doesn’t have to get lung cancer.
8:25 - Claire. Claire, honey, no. Claire. Claire what are you doing Claire.
8:22 - I AM SO HAPPY STERLING K. BROWN WON. And not just because that’s, like, the one show I watched this year! HE WAS INCREDIBLE.
8:21 - YOU GUYSSSSSSS (hat tip Gabs!)
I swear I lost my shit!! MY BITCH IS A EMMY WINNER! pic.twitter.com/Uvnal7kuHg— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) September 19, 2016
8:19 - UNEXPECTED JOHN MAYER. IT’S THE WORST KIND OF JOHN MAYER.
8:16 - OH JESUS GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO CLAIRE DANES
8:13 - Tom. Looking fine tonight. YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN.
8:09 - YAS REGINA KING. I’m so happy she’s kicking ass all over our TVs now. Hollywood,YOU WILL ATONE FOR THAT TIME YOU PUT HER IN MISS CONGENIALITY 2.
8:08 - D.V. DeVincentis wrote Grosse Point Blank and High Fidelity. OJ IS BUT THE ICING ON HIS FANCY CAKE OF GLORY.
8:05 - WHY ISN’T LESLIE HOSTING THIS?! LESLIE FOR EVERYTHING.
7:58 - This sandwich gag is a waste of my sweet precious angels from Stranger Things.
7:55 - Jeffrey gave shout outs to Jenny Boylan and Zackary Drucker — massive reasons I wish I Am Cait was staying on the air. Cait is problematic, but the trans women she surrounded herself with? Those women were above and beyond the reason to watch the show.
7:51 - Jeffrey Tambor wins. He’s wonderful. I knew he wasn’t going to win, but I’m glad my sweetangelbaecrushperson Thomas Middleditch was nominated BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
7:50 - The audience did a really good job not clapping for that. And we as a nation did a really good job not laughing at that because it wasn’t funny. You know who’d be crushing this right now? JAMES CORDEN. FUCK Y’ALL.
7:50 - OOH Y’ALL!
If that Garry Shandling #Emmys tribute made you want to watch Larry Sanders, it starts streaming on HBO Now and HBO Go this Friday.— Vulture (@vulture) September 19, 2016
7:44 - You know, so much was said about Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner being reunited in the great beyond, BUT HOW ABOUT THESE TWO?
7:42 - Oh god, JLD’s dad died on Friday and she was shaking and she tripped and her husband’s glasses were foggy and I’m crying too.
7:41 - I love Dave Mendel—DID YOU KNOW HE WORKED ON CLERKS THE ANIMATED SERIES BECAUSE HE DID
7:38 - Jill Soloway says “topple the patriarchy.” Jimmy Kimmel immediately says “I wonder if that’s a good thing for me?” then makes a trans joke. GENDER RELATIONS IN A NUTSHELL.
7:36 - The winner is Jill Soloway, serving Temple Grandin realness.
7:34 - And the winner is all of us for learning it’s pronounced Sco-LARE-y.
7:32 - I will pay a million dollars for someone to tell me why Julia Louis-Dreyfus looked so pissed when Kate won. Is it an issue that I don’t have a million dollars? UPDATE: *collar pull* Hoo boy. I’m so sorry.
7:26 - KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! WE LOVE YOU KATE!
When you succeed for your parents pic.twitter.com/UjPxdoj6lX— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 19, 2016
7:25 - Awwwwwww re: Louie Anderson’s fancy brooch.
Louie Anderson choked up last night telling the story of that broach which was worn in honor of a crew member's dead mom. It's her broach.— Joanna Robinson (@jowrotethis) September 19, 2016
7:24 - Yay Master of None! YAY THIS SPEECH!
7:21 - I love that ABC family comedies still do that thing where the show goes to Disney World. NEVER FORGET.
7:16 - My dad gets mad when I don’t post about who won. Louie Anderson just won, dad.
7:13 - You know what creeps me out? When attendees behind the person on camera stare at the camera. Like, quit it, baby Lance Bass.
7:11 - WHO IS THROWING AWAY THEIR 20% OFF BED BATH AND BEYOND COUPONS? Fucking savages.
7:08 - You know how sometimes hosts aren’t doing well in the room because they’re too subversive and hilarious? I don’t think that’s the case here.
7:06 - I SKIPPED THE PRESHOW STUFF AND DIDN’T KNOW MARCIA CLARK IS HERE! AND SO IS PEDRO PASCAL! SARAH PAULSON HAS THE BEST DATES.
7:04 - Oh Jeb. Somehow you’ve become not hideously unlikable and terrifying. Such is 2016.
7:02 - Unpopular opinion: I really like James Corden. I DON’T LIKE THAT HE BEAT LEMONADE. But I like James Corden. HAVE AT IT.
7:01 - THEY HAD A HAWKINS POWER AND LIGHT VAN AND DIDN’T UTILIZE IT? Terrible.
6:58 - Before the show actually starts, a quick gush for the actual best dressed of the night, MY BEST FRIEND KELLY, WHO IS AT THE EMMYS REPRESENTING ELOQUII, WHERE SHE IS THE VEEP OF MARKETING. SHE’S THE VISION IN THE RED SPARKLY.
6:53 - Oh John. Oh honey.
A) I think Kelly is trying to distract from his hair with her own mess.
B) I think John Travolta’s wig guy got his inspiration here:
6:50 - ALRIGHT. It’s 2016, it’s the Emmys, I’m on Theraflu and clearance Target sauv blanc and I came here to kick ass, take names and immediately forget those names because I’m on Theraflu and clearance Target sauv blanc. LET’S DO THIS THING.