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John Travolta's Hair: An Investigation

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 9, 2013 | Comments ()


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John Travolta has a secret. And, though he tries, desperately, to keep it under wraps, everyone—from insiders to gossip fans to your mom—knows the truth, and only he and he alone exists as the perpetrator of what is now a very sad lie.

Guys…He might just be starting to lose his hair. Come on, John! It’s 2013! You can live your life as a balding man. Bald people can get married now, and they even repealed Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Us You’re Bald (*sigh* history will really look back at that as one of the more tragic military-sponsored acts of injustice upon the balding men and women of this country).

Sadly, Johnny Travs insists upon living his life in secret. Tragically for him, his lies are as transparent as the lace on front of the no doubt hugely expensive wigs he glues to his temples each day.

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This past weekend, Travolta received the honor of having a beach closet (mmm-hmm) dedicated to him at the Deauville American Film Festival in France.

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His hair accepted the award for Least Supporting Performance by Hair Strands. Look at them. They want to jump. All of them. Some of them actually did jump, then changed their minds mid-leap and are clinging to his chin. It’s all very sad.

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Of course, this is not new, and, perhaps most shockingly, it’s the most realistic his hair’s looked in years.

He’s tried the shorn look, to the delight of the Sharpie corporation

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And things only got darker from there, with his faux hairline and his eyebrows seemingly collaborating to take down the whole world, under the leadership of L. Ron Hubbard’s legacy, no doubt, a man seen here daydreaming about a world where hairlines and foreheads could just get along.

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While the buzzed look was unfortunate, the longer raven locks fared no better.

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Only one photo seems to exist of his hair in its natural state.

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I think it’s time to start being yourself, John. Own your truth, bare your soul, be who you were born to be. And, if that’s not Hollywood’s stereotypical leading man, then screw the industry. Think of the balding teenagers out there who would be so inspired by your bravery. Let the world know “this is who I am, and I’m proud.”

He’s here. His wig lace is sheer. Get used to it.

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