Welcome! For the next two-plus hours I’ll be providing mediocre commentary and fourth-rate jokes about the first GOP presidential debate. Think of this as our own private Twitter feed. Only with fewer racist eggs and inferior humor.
We’re here to entertain. Anyone expecting wonkish policy breakdowns, fact checking, even-handed criticism or nuanced responses to the candidates’ well-rehearsed stump lines should get the fuck out. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, just pick your ass up out of that Italian leather chair, and get the fuck out of this room.
I’m not objective. Most of these people genuinely scare me. Scott Walker or Ted Cruz in the Oval should terrify you, too. Particularly if the Republicans manage to maintain control of the Senate in 2016. Political media junkies are predicting record ratings for this debate. Fantastic. The more people see and hear the lukewarm trash emanating from these guys’ pieholes, the better.
This should be fun. If it’s not, follow Donald Trump’s lead and blame a minority.
8:44 — Instead of watching these pundits spout nonsense, check out Steven’s fantastic primer on the 10 candidates vying for the right to say something ignorant
8:47 — The debate is still 10 minutes away and PFTCommenter has already lapped the field.
"Grandpa what was America like?" pic.twitter.com/o7fGGvS2Zi— Brian Floyd (@BrianMFloyd) August 7, 2015
8:51 — Took me 17 minutes to find Fox News on my cable guide. Verizon grouped it with the porn.
8:52 — I should have gotten drunk last night and put a parental password on this channel so I’d be unable to watch. Actually I should quit my job and travel the country doing exactly this.
8:55 — Fox News f Debate. Better than “Fair and Balanced,” I guess
8:56 — Weak ass entrance music, IMO. Should have went with DMX.
8:58 — Nine white guys on a stage with one black dude. 78 percent of the people in the audience are bummed they missed the rest of the auction.
9:00 — The debate starts at 9 pm and runs for two hours. This is objectively the worst thing to ever occur involving the numbers 9 and 11.
9:01 — “Businessman Donald Trump” is the biggest lie anyone will tell tonight.
9:02 — My wife just asked why Rand Paul has “pubes on his head.” Don’t really have a satisfactory answer.
9:03 — You know who else loved raising their hands?
9:06 — Sigh…I grew up in Maryland and read Carson’s book, Gifted Hands, as a teenager. Dude was a hero in Baltimore. This bums me out.
9:08 — “Mr. Rubio, will you look at Jeb Bush and tell him why he’s an unqualified piece of shit who once thought about molesting a rabbit?”
9:10 — “They call me Veto Corleone because I hang out with the worst people in the solar system.”
9:12 — The most popular Republican candidate just insulted a woman who asked him a question about insulting women.
9:14 — “As a Republican, we keep winning elections. The House, the Senate.” You missed one there, Teddy.
9:17 — Bragging about defunding an organization that serves one out of three American women at one point in their life is a major plus in this room. Just think about that for a second.
9:19 — Mike Huckabee pals around with child molesters. That’s all I really have here.
9:20 — “ISIS rolls around in a billion-dollar Hummer. I…I….I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!”
9:21 — “Governor Kasich, you have entirely reasonable positions regarding poverty and mental health. Why would anyone ever vote for you? What are you even doing here, you fucktard? Get off my stage before I clip your carotid, bitch.” — Megan Kelly
9:23 — Jeb Bush doesn’t want amnesty, just a reasonable minority fine.
9:25 — Reminder: this is not a sitcom. These people actually believe the things they say.
9:27 — I don’t have any clever drinking games prepared for this debate. You should drink until your liver corrodes because someone on this stage has a reasonable chance of being the most powerful man in the world for four years.
9:30 — Twitter is better at this than I am
listen, I'm not insane, I'm not saying don't build a door in the wall— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) August 7, 2015
9:31 — Kasich delivering cogent, intelligent points during this clown show is like McConaughey showing up in the 2rue Detective finale for a meeting with Frank Semyon
9:34 — Immigration a massive problem. A full 20 percent of the people on this stage are not white! THESE MINORITIES ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
9:36 — Nine certifiable loons are preaching nonsense to an anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-poor, anti-minority audience, anti-government, anti-science, anti-reason audience in an arena owned by a predatory loan kingpin. Now’s the time, ISIS.
9:37 — “I will make no apologies for protecting Americans.”
“No one is asking you to…”
“I WILL NOT FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING!!”
9:39 — “YOU HUGGED A BLACK MAN!”
9:40 — These two legit arguing about who exploited 9/11 victims more
9:41 — Why won’t Obama call out ISIS? Is it because he is in fact THE LEADER OF ISIS?!?!?!
9:44 — Jeb Bush is mad at Obama because he ended a war started by Jeb’s brother
9:44 — “Oh, the black guy is still here? No one bought him yet? I guess we should ask him a question.”
9:47 — Scott Walker looks like he accidentally took Ambien instead of his sinus medication
9:51 — EAT THE IRS!!
9:52 — The “smartest man in the GOP field” believes in a flat tax. Maybe it best he doesn’t talk for a while.
9:53 — Jeb Bush making the case that Florida citizens have a fantastic education is a booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold choice
9:55 — Since everyone on this stage is a no-taxes-ever Norquist disciple, probably worth reminding everyone how that experiment worked out for Kansas.
9:59 — This is getting boring. Need more alcohol.
10:00 — Kasich is so goddamn reasonable I’m amazed Roger Ailes didn’t put a bolt through his head during the break. This guy could legitimately be president in a normal world.
10:03 — Actual true fact: Obama outperformed Reagan on jobs, growth and investing
10:04 — Perhaps Wisconsin would have better job growth is Walker didn’t kill all those union jobs.
10:06 — I wish a bear would run onstage and maul Scott Walker.
10:08 — More actual truefacts
Talk time: 1 Trump 5:06 2 Bush 4:29 3 Crz 3:30 4 Rbio 3:00 5 Chrstie 2:50 6 Carson 2:45 7 Kasich 2:11 8 Huck 2:03 9 Paul 2:01 10 Walker 1:54— Domenico Montanaro (@DomenicoNPR) August 7, 2015
10:09 — Huckabee possessed by the holy spirit, fam
10:10 — Nearly one in four Republicans would like Donald Trump to be their nominee.
/pours Drano and hot dog water into a funnel
10:14 — My wife, again: “Rubio has bat ears. I cannot stop looking at them.” Gonna ask her to take over.
10:18 — I don’t have anything witty or insightful to add anymore. I’m just staring at the wall like the kid at the end of Blair Witch Project.
10:21 — Reminder: THERE ARE SEVEN LIVING HUMAN BEINGS POLLING WORSE THAN THE 10 PEOPLE ON THIS STAGE!
10:24 — I’m not sure this is the time our ancestors will use as evidence of our barbarianism, Marco Rubio
10:28 — Damn, Kasich just pulled the “I have a gay friend” card. You were doing so well with reasonable people, John.
10:32 — One question about black lives mattering seems about right for this crowd.
10:37 — Oh we’re still doing this, pretending that the guys we traded for Bergdahl were basically the Suicide Squad?
10:41 — “Our Navy is smaller than ever, the Air Force is 40 percent smaller, and our cavalry regiments are at a 50-year low.” — Ben Carson
10:42 — OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT WALKER WITH THE NINTH-DEGREE CLINTON EMAIL BURN!!!!
10:45 — “We’re going to let the candidates make their closing statements and…God.” You and I have strangely similar reactions to this new, Megyn Kelly.
10:47 — HOLY SHIT DID OWEN WILSON JUST THROW A CHILD OFF A BUILDING IN THAT TRAILER?!”
10:50 — How I feel about Chase Norton right now:
10:53 — John Kasich’s friends must love being ranked behind a mystical being. “Hey man, I let you borrow the lawnmower last week and didn’t even complain about you bringing it back without any gas in it. Next time ask the holy spirit for the John Deere, OK?”
10:55 — YOU’RE BLACK, BEN! STOP MINIMIZING RACIAL PROBLEMS YOU’RE THE ONE PERSON ON THIS STAGE WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THESE ASSHATS TO THINK ABOUT THIS ISSUE!!! JESUS FUCK.
"Any word from God?" Would the prospective leaders of any other advanced democracy be asked this in a debate? God, help us. #GOPDebate— Sewell Chan (@sewellchan) August 7, 2015
10:59 — “My father was a crippled seahorse, my mother a cumulonimbus cloud streaking across the horizon. We didn’t have much in our lives: Ronald Reagan, Jesus, shrimp-flavored ramen. But we did have freedom. And that’s all we need.”
11:04 — “We’re done.” Yes, we are Megyn. Jon Stewart’s final show is on now. Go cleanse your palettes.
11:08 — Parting GIFt. Feels appropriate.