This is another one you’ve been asking for and I’m only happy to acquiesce. But first let’s set the mood.
0:00:21 - Right off the bat, Rachael Leigh Cook is making an angry multimedia piece that looks like the cover of the Marcy Playground album. It’s all very angsty except the paint swirls to create the titles like a children’s movie.
0:01:48 - Holy shit, Kieran Culkin is in this movie. NO RECOLLECTION. Remember when he used to date Emma Stone? Those Culkin boys GET IT.
0:02:23 - RLC is Laney. She is poor. You can tell because her dad drives her to school in a truck that says “Mr, Pool” with the L crossed out.
0:05:03 - OK, I’m sorry, this movie is moving very fast. OK, Freddie Prinze, Jr. is Zack and I think he’s a president and he’s friends with Paul Walker and Dule Hill and Dule’s first line is “shiiiit” because his character in Not Another Teen Movie was factual. Laney is friends with the kid from Mighty Ducks and The Butterfly Effect that looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman and she thinks he needs to lose weight. Zack tells his friends that they only have eight weeks left of school and tomorrow isn’t just tomorrow it’s the future and his friends don’t get it and we’re supposed to get Zack is very deep and he can’t find his girlfriend and her friends are being cagey and then he finds his girlfriend and she has Diet Coke mouth so she breaks up with him. *gasping for air* So that was the last two and a half minutes.
0:05:16 - Paul Walker and Dule Hill laugh at Zack for being dumped because movie high school is a mean place.
0:07:37 - Matthew Lillard is in this and Matthew Lillard is perfect so SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTHS.
0:08:40 - Laney did another angsty multimedia piece about a riot in Muqdisho and the teacher grazes her with a feather and asks what it has to do with her, and she’s right, we should totally ignore world events and focus only on our teenage lives. THIS IS WHY MILLENNIALS.
0:09:23 - Clea Duvall and her friend are angsty artists who tell Laney to kill herself and wow that’s dark.
0:09:59 - Usher is in this movie as some weird combination of sultry DJ/that overachieving kid who did the PA announcements.
0:10:58 - Zack goes all aggro “There’s 2,000 girls in this schools and I can bump monkeys with all of them” and starts sizing up the girls in the school and saying if they all had hotter boyfriends and a push-up bra they could be hotter than Jodi Lyn O’Keefe because this movie is misogyny. It’s very focused on the bet angle, but the whole conceit is TERRIBLE.
0:12:58 - Laney falls down angrily and because of falling and glasses and art and “scary and inaccessible” he’s all NO! NOT HER! ANYONE BUT HER! And they’re all “you got your work cut out for you.” And garbage.
0:14:13 - Anna Paquin is the sister and I apparently forgot everyone is in this movie. Hey, so, does the “most popular guy in school” that everyone is super stoked about actually exist in the real world? Did anyone’s school actually have that?
0:16:38 - Zack’s dad doesn’t think he got into any college but Zack totally got into all the college—Yale, Harvard, Dartmouth, and he’s pretending he didn’t. FOR REASONS OF DEPTH.
0:18:04 - Zack comes to visit Laney at work where she wears a falafel on her head and just barges into a restaurant yelling “LANEY!” like people do that at places of business. But it works and she leaves a customer to talk to him. Zack lies about art and asks her to teach him how to art. Fulton from Mighty Ducks steps in and tries to be all love-match so they’re going to an art show together. This will be some manner of fish out of water scenario.
0:21:48 - A little person performance artist just said “my soul is an island; my car is a Ford” and I want that on my tombstone. Sometimes I love this movie. Sometimes this movie is garbage. I feel many things.
0:23:15 - As in most things, Alexis Arquette is the best part of this movie.
0:23:25 - So, Laney decides to humiliate Zack by bringing him up on stage to do some performance art poetry thing, when all he said was that he was in art classes and I don’t think they’re all the same thing, so that’s not cool. He does hacky sack beat poetry and everyone is riveted so her wicked plan is thwarted by douche bro poetry. BROETRY.
0:27:32 - He ruins their nice moment by telling her she should totally start wearing contacts because her eyes are beautiful and she’s all “CREEPY” and leaves because she has excellent instincts.
0:29:00 - Matthew Lillard, you guys. You should have all been part of this movement long ago. He should have six Oscars.
0:30:07 - Kieran Culkin desperately wants to be friends with Zack and asks him to play Sega and Zack is weirded out and Kieran has a hearing aid and Laney wants Zack to leave so he uses the poor excited child with a hearing aid to be in Laney’s house. Laney is guilted into going to the beach so Kieran clearly got stood up on the Sega. Laney talks about garbage spilling into the ocean so we know she is DEEP.
0:33:01 - Laney takes off her bib overalls (’90s) and is in a one-piece swimsuit and Paul Walker says “look at the bobos on superfreak” because what the shit, movie? Gabrielle Union totally likes Laney because she’s got sass.
0:34:27 - DID YOU GUYS KNOW LIL KIM IS IN THIS MOVIE? LIL KIM IS IN THIS MOVIE.
0:35:14 - There was just a lengthy beach volleyball montage in case you were wondering whether or not this was the ’90s.
0:36:27 - Laney gets out of a party by saying she needs to clean the house. Apparently Zack is going to have the entire JV soccer team come over and clean. Also Kevin Pollak is watching Jeopardy and getting all the answers wrong. I didn’t notice/remember any of this stuff. My husband is watching excitedly telling me what’s happening and about to happen. “I watched this movie a lot,” he says. He’s such a precious peach.
0:37:09 - Every time Kieran Culkin sees Zack, he gets so excited and it is breaking my heart.
0:37:51 - Zack brought his sister to do Laney’s hair and makeup. Imagine for a second a guy shows up to pick you up for a date and brought his sister to do you hair and makeup. That’s weird, right? We accept a lot of things as OK in movies.
0:39:51 - Kieran Culkin made Zack a cocktail because god bless him.
0:40:00 - It’s time, you guys. It’s time for the slo-mo stair reveal and the Sixpence None the Richer and the flippy bob haircut and the falling down the stairs because nerd, amirite?
0:41:58 - I’m pretty sure Dule Hill just elegantly gave Zack and Laney glasses of wine upon arrival. Paul Walker thinks Zack is into Laney and Zack’s all “NAW DUDE IT’S JUST A BET” because this movie is gross.
0:43:13 - But it’s OK because Matthew Lillard is here and he’s wearing a sparkly shirt and everything will be OK!
0:44:13 - Clea Duvall is all vomit covered and Laney is nice to her and then Clea is a human monster again so Laney paints her.
0:45:43 - Matthew Lillard is doing a flawless dance number and people are acting like it’s weird like they’re not going to do the exact same thing at the end of the movie.
0:48:36 - Girls in high school movies are the actual devil. I’d blame misogyny in film-making but honestly girls in high school are the actual devil. Boys too. High school is the worst place, guys.
0:49:06 - Laney promised herself she’d never let them see her cry. I made myself the same promise and EVERYONE in high school saw my cry all the time. And college. And in most jobs I’ve had. I cry a lot, guys.
0:50:11 - Not to kick a girl while she’s down (literally, she fell again) but the flesh-colored panty hose with that dress are NOT the look.
0:51:36 - The popular girls all just got paged 911 because ’90s.
0:53:20 - Something upsetting just happened at soccer practice. I don’t know. I don’t know sports. Paul Walker tells Zack that it’s because it’s been a while since he’s gotten any and then asks if Zack would mind if he tried to bang Laney. God, Walker is human garbage in this movie. Then they get in a shoving match and he tells Zack that Zack’s “going down, asshole.” Friends in movies aren’t really friends.
0:54:49 - Jodi Lyn O’Keefe is campaigning for prom queen which I don’t think is a thing. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.
0:56:00 - Laney’s mom is dead. And her brother has a hearing aid. It’s important that already sympathetic characters have extra sad back-stories so we know that we should sympathize with them. Laney calls out Zack for not deciding on a college as though it’s something they’ve talked about. She must just psychically sense it. Or maybe she saw that one scene earlier in the movie.
0:59:05 - They’re about to kiss and Laney interrupts with “You’re not just trying to get my vote for prom king, are you?” and tries to talk to him about prom so he runs out and she’s all WTF even though she totally just hijacked a cute kiss moment to talk about prom so it’s kind of her fault too. Definitely mutual. Except he still started this whole thing on a garbage premise, so she still comes out ahead. This movie has complexities.
0:36:36 - Now Zack is having a Real World dream. Also, Laney’s hair keeps changing lengths. In the dream it’s chin-length, in the scene just a moment ago it was past her shoulders, at the party it’s just above her shoulders. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HAIR.
1:00:19 - Time for a prom queen rap battle. You know. Like they have in high school.
1:00:52 - The rap battle ended with the words “she’s all that.” And I just realized that’s where the title came from, it’s not just an inaccessibly ’90s nonsense title. I get it now. It’s OK.
1:02:11 - We just had a wordless Sarah Michelle Gellar cameo. That happened. She handed Kieran Culkin a pizza. It took place. It’s a thing that happened. The pizza is of course hijacked by bad kids, one of whom is the Sherminator from American Pie who very easily rips his own pubes out and sprinkles them on the pizza. How did he do that? It’s really hard to rip out your own pubes. Seems like it would hurt a lot, too. Zack makes Sherminator eat his own pubes and then other kid eat Sherminators pubes. Pubes. Also, non-Sherminator has a shirt with a gun on it that says “Kill All Artists” and I feel like that definitely wouldn’t be allowed in schools, especially in 1999, but I looked it up and this came out three months before Columbine. Yeesh.
1:06:32 - Paul Walker goes to Laney’s falafel ball job and tells her Zack doesn’t like her and still likes Jodi Lyn O’Keefe and that’s why he hasn’t asked her to prom but then Paul Walker asks Laney to prom and she’s all eyerolls of confusion.
1:07:31 - Zack’s dad finds all his acceptance letters and also his dad is Tim Matheson because we all grow up and become sad monsters, and it’s important we all realize that.
1:08:21 - Does Usher even go to this school? Is he a student? Or is he employed by the school to DJ the day?
1:10:26 - Paul Walker tells Laney she’s a bet and she’s all “AM I A FUCKING BET?” and Zack is all sad face of sadness and Jodi Lyn O’Keefe is all evil and everyone is terrible.
1:11:46 - Just in case you didn’t know, this movie was partly written by M. Night Shyamalan.
1:14:31 - Laney and her dad have a nice heart to heart and someone is at the door to take her to prom and it’s Paul Walker and she doesn’t know he’s garbage.
1:15:33 - Zack is taking his sister to prom. Jodi Lyn O’Keefe is sitting alone with a tray of cocktails. Like high schoolers do.
1:16:55 - What’s going on in the movie right now? Well, right about now, the funk soul brother.
Usher taught them all this dance at lunch. Over the PA, presumably.
1:20:00 - Fulton from Mighty Ducks and Anna Paquin get together because it’s important to pair people off for no reason.
1:20:36 - Art teacher showed up at prom to tell Laney she faxed a bunch of art schools to get her in. I bet that happened to all of us at prom.
1:21:31 - Paul Walker is trying to bet anyone around that he’ll nail Laney. This character might have a gambling addiction.
1:22:44 - Zack is prom king because males face no such competition or loss of popularity in films like females do.
1:23:24 - Jodi Lyn O’Keefe wins prom queen because the majority of people will always support beauty over decency. They both have to give speeches. Which is not how these things work.
1:25:29 - Zack is driving around LA calling every hotel to find the one Paul Walker took Laney to. Life before the internet was sad.
1:26:22 - But he doesn’t look for long because he’s at Laney’s house like a magic ghost who totally beat her there.
1:27:27 - Laney blasted Paul Walker with a rape horn. I’m really glad we didn’t see that scene because though they brush over it fairly quickly, I’m pretty sure it’s basically the Biff/Lorraine scene at the end of Back to the Future only with a rape horn.
1:29:25 - Laney is supposed to be poor but she has a really nice pool. Also, that “I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman” line never made any sense because a) it isn’t, b) the hooker thing is kind of the whole thing.
1:31:22 - Paul Walker can’t hear. Because of rape horn. Ha?
1:31:59 - And we end with a naked Freddie Prinze, Jr. and a soccer ball. Good times. Rape horns. Pubes. BYE.
In honor of Halloween, the next three Liveblogging the ’90s will be spooky as fuck. Get excited. Get spooky-as-fuckcited.
Collect all the Liveblogging the ’90s here. They’ll totally be worth money someday, just like your pogs and Beanie Babies.