Yesterday, our old pal Skittimus Maximus posted the above photo in taking issue with Donald Trump’s desires to remove Meals on Wheels — here’s a billionaire who eats on gold plate killing funding for meals for old people. Fuck him, right?
Aside from how enraging that is, it’s an otherwise innocuous photo of the Trump family? Or is it? Look very closely at Barron’s behind. What the hell is going on there? As another old friend of ours, Mike Roorda, suggested, “There’s totally some adult human hands coming from under the table holding Barron in his seat on the front left.”
There is, isn’t there?
WHAT THE FUCK?
Is that a hand? Or a foot? Or a cushion? That’s the question the Pajiba staff has been debating for literally the last half hour. We still don’t know, but the conversation went something like this:
Steven: I can kind of see it, but it really just looks like a brown felt cushion he’s sitting on…
Bekka: If that’s a brown felt cushion I will eat my Jaws shoes.
TK: It’s either a hand from under the table, or he’s kneeling in the chair and that is his foot.
Genevienve: Every time I look at it I see something different. “Oh yeah, that’s just a really unfortunately colored cushion, but funny!” clicks back “OK, maybe it IS Barron’s foot?” Clicks back “Was he twitchy and someone needed to hold him on the chair?” Clicks back. “Definitely a cushion. Probably.”
Bekka: Anyone who sees a cushion is obviously a much better person than I am. Because in my heart of hearts, he gets carried around in one of those royal wagons with screens to yell at people in NYC.
TK: I will shit in Seth’s hat if that’s a cushion.
Victoria: I’m late to the party but that looks like it might be Barron’s butt. Like maybe he’s wearing those tiny shorts that noble children wear before they’re allowed to have pants.
No really Victoria, WHAT
Dustin: His butt?
Victoria: Or like his upper thigh
TK: Now we have descended into madness.
Victoria: That part of fabric that looks like a sleeve cuff might actually be some right boy high socks
TK: HIS. BUTT.
Victoria: I DON’T KNOW MAN, IT’S BETTER THAN A HAND
TK: Barron butt. I’m having trouble keeping it together. I need to step away or else I will be laughcrying at my desk.
IS IT VICTORIA? IS IT BETTER THAN A HAND?
which would you prefer
Victoria: 1) the butt of a small boy
2) AN ADULT HAND HOLDING THE BUTT OF A SMALL BOY
TK: THIS IS SOME SOPHIE’S CHOICE SHIT
Genevieve: That is not a small boy’s butt, it’s not even in the right PLACE to be a small boy’s butt. You can tell his back is at an angle to the chair, he’s not sitting straight up.
TK: Thank you, Genny.
Bekka: THIS IS THE GREAT BLUE AND BLACK DRESS VS. WHITE AND GOLD DRESS DEABTE OF OUR TIME
TK: We need a full CSI team, like, immediately.
WHERE CARUSO AT
Guys I had drinks with lunch
Victoria: WELL IT’S NOT A PILLOW I KNOW THAT MUCH
Seth: it’s clearly his foot. His toes are tucked under
y’all are fucking crazy
Bekka: You guys keep talking about boy butt and all I can think about how uncomfortable this conversation is making me now because this is all I can see
Seth: also, joke’s on you TK, my hat is already full of shit
…it’s been a rough morning
okay see this is what i was trying to get at
like you know how tiny rich boys wear shorts and socks
TK: Uh huh. Still wondering where the butt comes in.
Victoria: I ALSO SAID UPPER THIGH
Bekka: Well, Kurt, when two people love each other very much…
TK: BUT YOU LED WITH BUTT
Seth: Still Wondering Where the Butt Comes In: The Story of TK’s Sexual Awakening
Victoria: in any case i am trying to argue that it might be HIS skin and not the skin of a mysterious adult man holding him in place
Bekka: With all that’s going on in this world, I really need it to be a mysterious man holding him
Victoria: see but i need it to be the opposite because that thought makes me uncomfortable
Bekka: It really bodes well for my Lannister/Trump fanfic
Victoria: it makes me feel bad for this tiny rich manhandled boy and i don’t want to feel that way
Seth: I mean, we can all agree, butt/foot/manservant aside, that we feel bad for this poor child, no?
TK: But a kid sitting at a gold table with his ass hanging out does NOT make you uncomfortable.
Genevieve: Yeah, Barron doesn’t deserve any of what’s going on. I know the arguments about moving Melania to the White House but I’m also REALLY SYMPATHETIC to Barron not living there.
Victoria: not in an “i feel bad for this boy and the life he is being forced to lead” kinda way, no
Bekka: just so we’re all clear, both hills are horrible to die on?
TK; Oh absolutely
Bekka: We’re just choosing the lesser of two evils
TK: I kind of want to kidnap Barron, fantasy novel-style, and give him to some well-meaning peasant family to raise as their own.
Bekka: oh look, brunch bourbon
TK: So he can one day rise up and strike down his father.
I’ve put some thought into it.
Also, beers with my burrito lunch
Seth: You need to post this fanfic
Bekka: TK, you’ve chosen a family for Barron already, haven’t you?
Seth: Oh, he DEFINITELY has
They raise chickens, right?
Bekka: there are some wiiiiiiiiiide open spaces up here in the hinterlands….
only an hour from the Canuck border
I’ve got swords and armor, I can teach him
I’m 34, I could believably be his mother
Seth: he said peasant family. so you gotta live a peasant life. i mean, i assume you already shit outside so you’re probably halfway there?
What do I look like? A Romanov? Of COURSE I shit outside
What kind of bourgeois broad do you take me for?!
TK: Guys I think Barron might be the chosen one.
TK: He’s the next Skywalker.
Or possibly the Beastmaster.
You tell me Supp, you’re his adopted mother.
Bekka: He’s a wizard, Harry
Seth: Barron Trump of House Supp, Youngest of the Orange, King of the Hinterlands
TK: Cut, print.