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Donald Trump Is Messing with the Wrong Goddamn People

By Dustin Rowles | Horror | January 4, 2017 |

By Dustin Rowles | Horror | January 4, 2017 |

I like to believe that there’s a sort of karmic justice that evens things out, that good will always prevail over evil … eventually. Donald Trump, however, is 70 years old. He’s due to be sworn in as President of the United States in 16 days. Bankruptcies couldn’t humble him. Hillary and Obama couldn’t stop him. He seems to catch all the breaks, and he never receives the karmic retribution he is owed. As the leader of the free world, I’m not sure who is even left to dole it out.

If there’s one entity capable of completely fucking over his life, however, it is the United States’ intelligence organizations. You don’t want to fuck with these people, because they are predominantly civil servants with only one mission, and it’s a mission they take very seriously: Protect the United States. Right now, the biggest threat to this country is our President-elect, and guess who he is picking a fight with … again.

The country’s intelligence agencies.

WTF, Donald? Are you suggesting by putting in quotes that the “intelligence” briefing is not intelligent, and that the “Russian hacking” is, like, imaginary? You’re fucking with the wrong people, bro. You know who can push a button or two and access those tax returns you refuse to release? U.S. Intelligence agencies, that’s who. Do you know what the real story behind Lee Harvey Oswalt and Jack Ruby is? No, of course you don’t, because that’s the way the intelligence agencies want it.

And the thing is: That intelligence briefing wasn’t delayed. It was scheduled for Friday. It was always scheduled for Friday. Trump was just picking a goddamn fight.

You’re fucking with the wrong people, Donald. You see that vein start to pop on Leo’s forehead in the header image? That’s the intelligence agencies right now. I feel like Trump’s life is turning the corner from the fourth season finale of Breaking Bad — “I won!” — to the final, Ozymandias season, only he’s not gonna go out in a spray of bullets. It’s going to be a very quiet, discrete comeuppance that will remain classified until Ivanka’s grandchildren are working their way out of the salt mines. Trump may be above the law, but he ain’t above the Intelligence agencies. Nobody is.

No, no it doesn’t. But that’s Donny Trash, for you. He’s just going to wing it, because he knows more than the generals. He knows more than our intelligence agencies. He’s bigly smart, y’all. He’s got a Magic 8-ball and reads Breitbart three times a day. We’re in good hands. I have no idea why President Obama is still afraid of handing over the nuclear codes to Trump.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.