John F. Kennedy.
Donald Jebediah Trump.
Names that have either graced the title of president-elect or spewed toxic diarrhea all over it, but one thing is certain: You are no one in America until someone starts to make money off of you.
Enter Groupon Goods, a company only too happy to yell carpe diem at an ocean of lost souls and line their pockets with hard earned ‘Real American’ dollars. From ‘Real Americans.’
It’s cool that they spend their money now, because Donald is going to bring all their jobs back. It’s like, a sure thing. He has a secret plan.
So let’s see what typing “Donald Trump” into Groupon on Cyber Monday got us.
(you can click on any of these to make them go big)
Ooooooooh. A Donald Trump Two Dollar Bill! Well bless my little heart! A two dollar bill with the likeness of Donald Trump emblazoned on both sides of it. How do you like your douchebags? Ubiquitous, I hope. Oh! And there’s good ol’ Thom Jefferson in the middle there. Everyone on this bill believes in slavery.
Whoever said this country was divided sure hasn’t seen this bill.
That’s some nice unity there. And at a mere $12.99, it’s tough to pass up. And more than a THOUSAND people just plain couldn’t say no to that whopping 7 percent discount. Can you blame them, friends? I mean, it comes with a certificate of authenticity, a genuine cardboard ‘folio’ and it’s ‘good for gifting.’
It’s also good to wipe your asshole with. But maybe that’s just me letting my excitement get the best of me. How did the reviewers of this fine product evaluate it?
It seems there’s a correlation between five-starring this product and having a rather dubious relationship with punctuation. But thanks for your input, Joyce M. and Joanne L., both of whom I’m guessing are solidly in that ever-so-enlightened over-45 white lady demo that voted 54% for Trump. Because, honestly, what’s the harm in a little old fashioned pussy-grabbin’ now and then?
But the real hero here is Maximillian F., who is like a goth at a rodeo.
Max was the first person at the scene and he was, like, “THIS SHIT WILL COST YOUR VERY SOUL” and he’s, like, spray painting pentagrams on the wall and shit, and in come Joyce M. and Joanne L. just pretending he’s not even there.
Joyce M: Say there Joanne, did ya get a chance ta watch the latest Chicago Fire there? Oh boy, it was a doozy, let me tell ya!
Max: RAINCLOUDS OF HOLY PISS WILL CLEANSE YOUR TRASHY WHITE FILTH!
Joanne L: Ya know, I haven’t seen that show because we can’t get that darn DVR thingamajig workin’! But I’ll tell ya — I found a great way ta spend my money. I bought my daughter a two dollar bill dontcha know!
Max: THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT WILL WASH OVER YOUR FAMILY. SCREAMS! SCREAMS EVERYWHERE!
Joyce M: Oh! That’s fancy!
Joanne L: It sure is. And get a load of this: it’s even got the new president’s face right on it, like it’s real money or somethin!
Max: THE COMING INAUGURATION WILL BE MARKED WITH THE DEATH OF A THOUSAND ANGELS!
Joyce M: I’ll be glad to not have ta see that black fellah in the white house anymore. I can tell ya that for free.
Joanne L: Hel-lo! It’s called the white house for a reason, ya know? Go back to yar terrorist buddies or whatever. We’re gonna make America great again!
In the end, isn’t that the great thing about over-45, right leaning, Trump-voting white women? That they just plain don’t listen to any opinion but their own? It’s kind of charming in an OH MY GOD YOU GALACTICALLY STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS YOU JUST DESTROYED A NATION kind of way.
But let’s face it. Not everyone is going to be able to afford that fancy-ass two dollar bill for thirteen dollars. That’s a plain fact. What does Groupon offer for, say, someone who loves Trump, but has kind of a spending ceiling of around ten bucks?
Wehehehell! Groupon has you covered. For that oh-so-perfect price break of just $9.99, you can take home a Donald Trump Commemorative Coin.
Ooh la la! A Donald Trump Commemorative JFK Fifty Cent Piece Coin? That’s a hell of a deal right there! Ten percent off? I mean, maybe it’s me, but I think it’s a pretty damn good value to buy a fifty cent piece for only a shade under ten beans. Just look at the product! Check out that high-definition colorization process! Which in some countries is just called printing a shitty little disc and gluing it to the face of the coin. But this is America. No longer do we have to be burdened with stupid fucking things like facts or consumer protection. That’s HD coloring because a website says it is. And just like the last one it comes with an authenticity certificate from FBI Director James Comey himself that clearly certifies beyond any doubt that the buyer is a fucking HORSE’S ASS.
But then again, I may just be overly excited about the premise of taking John F. Kennedy’s youthful, earnest face and covering it with a talking colostomy bag. But hey! What do I know? More than ten thousand of these bad boys have already sold! Let’s see how Trump’s adoring fan base made out with this wonderful investment:
Well, rough stuff there at the top with Amanda K. Sounds like this high-quality item didn’t quite meet up to her lofty standards. Too ‘cheep.’ She can’t even give it as a gift, even though it says ‘good for gifting’ right there in the description! She’d be too embarrassed! So where is Amanda K’s embarrassment line? She’d be too embarrassed to gift someone a poorly crafted commemorative coin, but decidedly NOT too embarrassed to cast her vote for a fraudulent, sexually assaulting, hatemongering fuckhead from hell. Yeah, that’s a tough spot, sister.
After her, John M. writes that a larger size would make the coin more presentable. He begrudgingly gives it three stars because his buddies in the KKK have shit eyesight. Too bad that when he went coin shopping he forgot to buy one of them manhole-cover sized coins.
John G. is much more accepting of the quality. He’s okay with it, but, as a connoisseur of all things “class,” he knows that it would have been much classier to be able to display his ten dollar fifty cent piece with the picture of a bigot on it in a box. That’s just how people expect to display their favorite bigots. Phhhf. Everyone knows that. Still, five stars. You can’t argue with the outstanding merchandise.
Last is Cynthia, who has accidentally adopted Trump’s twitter inflections. She writes that it’s not what she expected and she’s disappointed. Oh, Cynthia. Oh poor, sweet Cynthia with a child’s brain, GET USED TO THAT FEELING.
Okay, well, I feel like we’ve really gotten to the bottom of these HD-colored, high quality products. But these aren’t exactly showstopping deals, right? I mean 7%? 10% This is supposed to be Cyber Monday, which Donald Trump calls “Dirty Text Monday.” What if I want to go all in on a Donald Trump product, but I also want a great deal? Does Groupon have anything for me?
You bet your fucking ass it does.
Donald Trump Eau of the Toilet. Success and Empire flavors.
Ahhhhhhhh! You can almost smell the top notes of vomit and misogyny from here. Success and Empire, from Donald Trump. For when you want to smell like Joffrey Baratheon, but look like a ballsack that got kicked.
Success: Made with the tears of foreign children. Success: Whoever said bullies and thieves and liars can’t become the most powerful man in the world through an open democratic process never had…Successssss.
Empire. Whisper it. Emmmmpire. The cologne that says “you too can appeal to the lowest common denominator.” Emmmmpire. “For the man who has everything, except that thirteen dollar smell.” Emmmmmmmmpire. ‘Wanna know what a swastika smells like?’ Emmmmpire.
Oh, and as a bonus, it’s not just ‘good for gifting’ but it’s also for men who are ‘well-groomed.’ Find it in the ‘PERFECT GENTLEMAN’ section.
Because nothing says perfect gentleman like settling a fraud lawsuit for twenty-five million smackers. Nothing says perfect gentleman like wanting to dry hump your daughter’s leg. And nothing says perfect gentleman more than being a soulless, evil monster from the depths of Heinrich Himmler hell.
Emmmmmpire. For men who have super-duper long pubic hair that parts in the middle like a Lincoln Center curtain. Emmmmpire.
So there you have it. Capitalism at its finest. Everyone knew Trump would be good for business, but I guess we never realized just how good.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go Avada Kedavra myself in the mirror now.
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