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You All Like Candy Canes, Right? Just Checking.

By Rebecca Pahle | Food Porn | January 26, 2017 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Food Porn | January 26, 2017 |

Up until a month or so ago, I thought the world was a just, fair place that operated according to easily understandable, consistently applied rules. Well, no, I didn’t, obviously, because The State of the World As it Currently Exists, but as regards to Christmas candy I did. I thought everyone liked candy canes.

Because of course they do. They’re a regular part of every Christmas. I see people buy them in the store. And why do they buy them if they do not eat them? And why do they eat them if they do not like them? Except then I spoke with not one but two friends of mine, in quick succession, who said that they don’t like candy canes. Who acted like I was crazy because I do. Who tried to GASLIGHT ME. One of these, a particularly heinous beast who does not go by the name of KRISTY PUCHKO, YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, CONSIDER YOURSELF CALLED OUT, YOU CHRISTMAS-HATING HELLDEMON, opined that candy canes aren’t even really candy, on account of they are mints.

Feeling like I was beset by traitors on all sides, I utilized that most scientific of polling devices to assuage my battered psyche. I took to Twitter.


UM. EXCUSE YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. I thought I was living in the same world as 53% of you, but apparently I’m not, because a substantial chunk of the American population does not think candy canes are compulsively eatable manna from heaven??!!?!? They do not look forward to the drug store stocking them slightly before Halloween and then hoard them through New Year’s? What’s the fucking deal here? Candy canes are awesome. They taste like mint. You can lick them until they turn sharp like a sword, which you can then use to stab your siblings THE HERETIC UNBELIEVERS.

It’s candy corn all over again.

What I want to know is why all y’all chucklefucks continue to be complacent in upholding candy canes and candy corn as emblematic of their respective holidays if you don’t even like them. What kind of sadistic nonsense. Be The Change You Want to See In the World. You jerkholes. You fools. You have no one to blame but yourselves. I’ll take all the candy canes and candy corn for myself. Go eat a fucking vegetable.

Photo by Pen Waggener on Flickr.