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Do You Have Too Much Money & A Holiday Shopping List Full of People You Hate? The Cheetos Store Is For You

By Vivian Kane | Food Porn | November 21, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Food Porn | November 21, 2016 |

I have good news for any of you who either love Cheetos a lot (and by a lot I don’t mean you like to eat Cheetos; I mean like if humans and food could wed, you’d be first in line at City Hall), or for those of you who have enough disposable income to spend on disgustingly lavish gag gifts meant to guarantee your friends and family hate you at least a little bit.

If you fit into either of those two camps, have I got a holiday shopping guide for you: The Cheetos Store. According to the FAQ page— and yes, WE HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS— this store was dreamed up by Chester Cheeto himself, because nothing says Serious Business like an anthropomorphized cartoon cheetah writing in the first person about his artistic vision.

Through the years, I’ve watched the holidays become flooded with mediocre gifts. Gifts that have no meaning. So I took my crafty paws and started designing gifts with myself as my muse. Gifts the world is missing, but must have. Exclusive, very limited and highly desired gifts. Gifts that can only be found in one place - the Cheetos Store.

What kinds of gifts did his “crafty paws” design? I meant it when I said they’re the kind of gift that will make the recipient hate you. Gifts like “Cheetau Perfume” ($18.99).


And before you say anything, YES, OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD BE CHEESE PERFUME. But this is not cheese. Also, the copy for this product is insufferable.

This ravishing scent is crafted from hand-extracted cheese oils taken from only the rarest Cheetos® and carefully mixed by hitting the blender’s ON button. With Cheeteau, you’re sure to lure anyone (hungry) around you, for no one can resist the smell of Cheetos®.

What else can you buy? There’s this Colour de Cheetos Bronzer ($11.99) whose only purpose can be for Trump jokes and/or costumes.


There’s Cheeto toilet paper ($7.99).


—Which they make clear isn’t just for your butt.


Unlike the Chester Cheetah’s Bathing Brief, described accurately as “the swimsuit you always wanted but no one wanted you to have.” (Except for the “always wanted” part.)


This is REAL FASHION, you guys. These models eating shots of Cheetos is proof of serious fashion.

This $100 Cheeto chair is somehow already sold out. I think I’m maybe underestimating people’s love of Cheetos.


I do actually kind of want this “Big Cat Nap Sack,” but I’m not willing to spend $50 on it, and I could definitely do without the cheeto hat that comes with it.


And if I’m not willing to spend $50 on a novelty Cheeto gift, you know what I’m REALLY not going to buy? THIS $20,000 SNACK FOOD JEWELRY SET.


That’s actually kinda pretty, in a weird, funky way I’d normally be into, but could you ever forget that your beautiful diamonds were from the “Chestora Collection”? NO YOU COULD NOT. NOT FOR $20,000.

The site makes it very clear that there are no returns or exchanges. So if you’re the type to drink a bottle of wine and go gag gift holiday shopping online, just remember that a black cheese diamond is forever. And so is that Cheeto speedo.


Via Mashable.