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F*ck You, Chocolate

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | January 18, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | January 18, 2019 |


Friends, something has bothered me for awhile, and it ends today: Chocolate has dominated the dessert conversation in America for too long. No more, I say.

Is chocolate good? I mean, I know other people like it. Personally, ever since I got the stomach flu Christmas Day 1992 and threw up the entire bag of Dove chocolate bells I had eaten, it sort of lost its sparkle for me. Personal bias aside, I still don’t understand why chocolate is the default dessert flavor in this day and age. Furthermore, a very delicious and complex flavor like vanilla has been written off as one-note and for kids. Obviously, the chocolate lobby has done their job handily by convincing us that their product is supreme. It is decidedly not.

Now, some of you are already in the comments telling me that since I’m American that I’ve never tasted the good stuff. Ha! An unlikely story. Friend, I’ve lived, and traveled overseas. I’ve had chocolate in a variety of countries and continents. I assure you I’ve had whatever Belgium monstrosity you’d like to throw my way. It still has a gross aftertaste and leaves a film in my mouth. Yuck.

Occasionally, I will partake in a brownie, pudding, pie, or cake of the chocolate persuasion. It’s fine, but I have and always will prefer fruit in my pastries and desserts. The day I reach for chocolate is few and far between—and yet it’s everywhere. Why? Who has Big Chocolate paid off to be so ubiquitous?

You’re probably wondering what dessert I prefer, and even if you’re not, I’m going to tell you anyway. A root beer float is nature’s most perfect dessert. Delicious, easy to make, and barely any assembly required. The only dessert that can come close is a Rice Krispie treat, which is also shockingly easy to make and yet, oh so delicious as well. Don’t try to desecrate it with your horrible chocolate powder. It’s fine as it was initially conceived: cereal, marshmallows, and butter.

So to conclude: f*ck you, chocolate. It’s time someone took a stand against your inferiority, may we desert this dessert today.

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Warner Bros