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AvatarTheWayofWaterNOPE.jpg

Why I'm Not Seeing 'Avatar: The Way of Water'

By Genevieve Burgess | Film | December 21, 2022 |

By Genevieve Burgess | Film | December 21, 2022 |


AvatarTheWayofWaterNOPE.jpg

I mean, I WANT to see it. At heart, I am not a particularly sophisticated person and I enjoy the spectacle of movies as much as anyone else. The first Avatar looked amazing in theaters; I’m sure this one will too. However…

IT IS THREE HOURS AND TWELVE MINUTES LONG. 

THREE HOURS

AND!

TWELVE (12) MINUTES

PLUS PREVIEWS AND THE COMMERCIALS THAT THEY INSIST ON SHOWING IN THEATERS NOW. NEARLY FOUR HOURS OF TIME, GONE. DO YOU KNOW HOW VALUABLE FOUR HOURS OF MY TIME IS? ME NEITHER, BUT I KNOW FOUR GODDAMN HOURS WHEN I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ELSE IS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN ME PAYING A THEATER $20 TO INTRODUCE A BLACK HOLE INTO MY DAY. MORE LIKE $50 WITH SNACKS AND DRINKS, WHICH I WILL NEED BECAUSE, AGAIN, I WILL BE THERE FOR FOUR HOURS. 

WHAT THE FUCK JAMES CAMERON? AREN’T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, SEVEN OF THESE MOVIES? WHY NOT SPLIT THIS IN TWO? IT’S BEEN 13 YEARS. YOU COULD HAVE RELEASED ONE FIVE YEARS AGO AND A SECOND NOW. OR TWO IN TWO YEARS, I’M NOT A MOVIE MARKETER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE IDEAL CHOICE IS HERE.

THREE HOURS AND TWELVE MINUTES. THAT’S ENOUGH TIME TO TAKE IN THE ENTIRE PANDORA SECTION OF DISNEY WORLD WITH ENOUGH TIME TO WAIT IN THE LINES FOR THE RIDES OR GET LUNCH AT THE RESTAURANT.

THREE HOURS AND TWELVE MINUTES IS LONG ENOUGH TO FLY FROM MY HOME IN DC TO ORLANDO WHERE DISNEY WORLD IS LOCATED INCLUDING THE TSA SCREENING. WHICH, AGAIN, DOES NOT INCLUDE PREVIEW TIME. SPEAKING OF FLIGHTS, DO I NEED TO WEAR COMPRESSION STOCKINGS TO SEE THIS MOVIE? AM I AT RISK OF BLOOD CLOTS IF I DON’T STAND UP AND PACE AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES?

MR.CAMERON, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A BABYSITTER COSTS PER HOUR THESE DAYS? (Nope, nevermind, wrong argument to make at a guy who just spent a bunch of his own money to stop people from making jokes about the door in Titanic.)

I’m sure there are a lot of more nuanced takes out there as to why the film is so far underperforming at the box office. I’m not saying they’re wrong, but I think it’s worth taking into consideration that maybe people just aren’t ready to nuke four hours of their day for a visual sugar rush.

Three goddamn hours and twelve minutes. Save me, Navi Jesus.