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Which of These Three Movies Will Be the Best Movie of 2017?

By Rebecca Pahle | Film | January 10, 2017 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Film | January 10, 2017 |

Last week, limey bastard Petr wrote a rundown of the most anticipated movies of 2017. And he did as good a job as a person from the country that gave us Love, Actually could do. (Oh, did you think just because it’s January we’re going to stop beating that dead horse? Please. We’ve been snorting the glitter tinsel crack that is that movie for the past month. You can’t expect us to go cold turkey just like that.) But this site is based in AMURRICA and we are AMURRICANS and so I’m real fucking sorry, but I have to point out that Petr somehow left out not one, not two, but three modern classics in the making. To the woodchipper with ye!

Which of these movies is going to be The Best Movie?

Summary: “As a man [Gerard Butler] heads into space to prevent climate-controlling satellites from creating a storm of epic proportions, his brother discovers a plot to assassinate the president.” Also, Katheryn Winnick from Vikings is there.
The case for: The feature directorial debut of producer Dean Devlin (Independence Day: Resurgence, Godzilla), Geostorm went through a bit of stormy weather last month when “significant reshoots” were announced. Per The Hollywood Reporter, “the reshoots are not just light spruce-ups, either. Up to to $15 million is being spent, according to sources, and some notable characters are even being jettisoned from the script.” Some people might think this belongs in the “case against” category, but au contraire; I am beyond thrilled that there will be more Geostorm to love.


The case against: This… kind of seems like two completely separate movies in one? Two excellent movies, though. Gerard Butler IS… Action Climate Scientist!

Category 5
Summary: “Thieves attempt a massive heist against the U.S. Treasury as a Category 5 hurricane approaches one of its Mint facilities.”
The case for: ROB COHEN! ROB COHEN! IT’S DIRECTED BY ROB COHEN! Rob “The Fast and the Furious” Cohen! Rob “Post-Modern Masterpiece Cult Classic The Boy Next Door” Cohen! I love your mother’s cookies! First-edition Iliad! “Hey, Peterson! Your movie was on Turner Classics last night. The Wiz. [Which Rob Cohen produced. Jokes™.] It’s like the black version of The Wizard of Oz.” That guy.
The case against: I don’t think there is anything, because the presence of Maggie Grace and Ryan Kwanten in a movie’s cast has never meant anything bad, ever. My only reservation is that Category 5 also stars Toby Kebbell, who’s shown some questionable judgment regarding acting projects (*cough*Warcraft*cough*). But… nah. This one’s going to be great. My only issue is that it doesn’t have a release date yet, so I can’t in good conscience suggest AMPAS throw the Moonlight-La La Land-Manchester by the Sea trifecta out the window and preemptively give it every Oscar this February.

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Summary: “Xander Cage is left for dead after an incident, though he secretly returns to action for a new, tough assignment with his handler Augustus Gibbons.”
The case for: Donnie Yen’s left arm. Donnie Yen’s right arm. Vin Diesel exxxtreme skis through a jungle and motorcycles on an ocean and, IDK, probably bungee jumps into an exploding volcano or something. It’s craaaAAaAAAAzzzZZZZYyyyy!
The case against: It’s tougher to be enthused about a Vin Diesel movie when you find out what a creep he apparently is.

So, how bout it: xXx, Geostorm, or Category 5? Which is best?