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Let’s Breakdown All the Bonkers Nonsense Stuffed Inside Vin Diesel’s New ‘XXX’ Trailer

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | November 2, 2016 | Comments ()

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | November 2, 2016 |


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When the first trailer for XXX: The Return of Xander Cage arrived in July, I asked readers to guess whether 10 lines were pulled from the preview or invented by a fledgling pop-culture writer. Y’all did well for the most part, missing big only on a pencil-necked bureaucrat saying “You so much as take a piss the wrong way, Cage, and I’ll put you in one for the rest of your life.” Granted, this line seems perfectly suited for a movie where the protagonist extreme skis through a fucking rainforest, but the Fruity Pebbles box the script was written on only had so much space.

Unfortunately, there aren’t enough new lines in the latest trailer to repeat the exercise. However, it does contain an abundance of absurd action sequences ranging from the aforementioned jungle slalom to wave-biking to Cage leaping from an exploding cargo jet without a parachute. Let’s go through them as a class, shall we?

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Ordinarily, using a boring numbering scheme to inform ticket buyers which sequel they’re wasting money on is blatant laziness. How anyone manages to watch the Indiana Jones movies in proper order is a mystery best left to the gods. But XXX already has three Xs in it. HOW DO YOU NOT JUST CALL THIS TRIPLE X?! DA FUQ, MARKETERS?

We begin with XXXander Cage standing atop what looks to be a South American radio tower. Not sure what he’s doing, why he has skis with him up there, why he has skis with him at all in a tropical climate, or how he plans to get down safely.

He’s not gonna…
He couldn’t possibly…
No one is this XXXtreme…ARE THEY?!

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Next we meet the film’s villains, a diverse quartet of genre-shattering warriors such as bearded white guy, sexy female assassin, blond-haired Asian guy who knows martial arts, and, dark-haired Asian guy who knows martial arts. The hot one can catch microdarts fired from a Timex with her fingers while making sexy eyes, though, which is a highly marketable skill in a XXX-dominated world.

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A Kim Basinger doppleganger tells Cage that she “needs someone who can move like them.” Because apparently Vin Diesel is the only person left on the planet who can walk on two feet, I guess? Who the fuck knows or cares. “It’s time to be a patriot,” she concludes.

“There are no more patriots,” Cage responds. “Just rebels, and tyrants.”

“Which are you,” she asks?

“I’m XXX.”

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Damn, Diesel. That’s so deep you could find undiscovered species swimming around inside it. Not only did you answer her binary question with nonsensical gibberish, you followed it with scenes of you slapping hands with pedestrians while you skateboard down a mountain at deadly speeds.

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Later, he casually murders a group of soldiers led by a man who might be former NFL great Tony Gonzalez because Cage “doesn’t want clowns watching his back.” Well, clowns weren’t watching your back, Xander. Professional soldiers with years of experience protecting this country and catching crucial third downs were. And you killed them. So now maybe all that’s left are clowns. I don’t know. Think before you act.

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But wait! Cage already has a team in mind. People he can trust. Real moldbreakers like…are you fucking serious it’s another hot sniper, bearded white guy, and an Asian who knows martial arts and also how to drop that sick beat? Well this makes sense when you think about Basingclone’s desire for people who can move like the baddies.

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After a brief bike-fu interlude we reach the trailer’s centerpiece: a brilliant, whip-smart comedic moment straight from the Judd Apatow playbook. A socially awkward brainiac - played in XXX-land, obviously, by a supermodel in glasses - praises Gina Carano’s firearm skills. “You really know what you’re doing down there,” sexgeek says. “That’s what she said,” Carano fires back as the FLYentist giggles like an anime character. OH SHIT SON CARANO THE TRIPLE-XXX THREAT: HOT, TOUGH, AND HILARIOUS, YO!

Don’t spend too much time laughing or you’ll miss Cage leaping over moving cars, Samuel L. Jackson collecting his paycheck, tattooed women pointing guns at Diesel’s dick — AND DIESEL DEFTLY TURNING THE TABLES — the team rolling live grenades to each other across a table in what looks like XXXtreme hot potato, and what the shit this is:

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The trailer closes with Jackson’s legendary line from the first preview: “Let me simplify it for you: kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while you’re doing it.” YESSIR!

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Let me know if you find Tony G’s flattened corpse down there, Cage.

This movie opens in January, obviously.


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