I have a long, established history of using this website to proclaim my thirst. Charlie Hunnam in Papillon, Garrett Hedlund in Mudbound, Oscar Isaac (if we overlook Life, Itself), and Pedro Pascal in whatever he damn well pleases.
All those dudes (and … Ben Affleck … unfortunately) are in J.C. Chandor’s upcoming film, Triple Frontier, a trailer for which dropped last night. Observe!
This could be good! Chandor has made Margin Call and A Most Violent Year (which starred Isaac and Jessica Chastain), both slow-burning works, and so Triple Frontier — guns! explosions! dudes hanging out of helicopters! — seems like a definitive change of pace. Here’s an exchange on Slack between Petr and me after we watched the trailer:
Petr Knava: I’m with you Roxana, just saw that trailer this morning and I want that now. Not just your lovely husbands, but JC Chandor, and hello? Masters of War on the soundtrack?
Slobber over my keyboard
if there’s even a fraction of the critique of US imperialism that I’m projecting that there will be then hot damn
Roxana Hadadi: that is my ONE concern.
like, are we presenting these awful mercenaries as heroes? are we saying they SHOULD have way more money for like … doing the american government’s shitty bidding?
that’s bad! it’s all bad!
but also I demand they all be shirtless in the jungle. (NOT BEN AFFLECK)
Petr Knava: If they’re shirtless in the jungle and Chandor is as vicious here of militarism as he was of capitalism in margin call then we have a winner!
SO CLEARLY Petr and I are in agreement about the potential of Triple Frontier. (I am a little wary that it’s written by Mark Boal, whose collaboration with Kathryn Bigelow The Hurt Locker I liked very much and whose Zero Dark Thirty and Detroit increasingly irritated me, but … I’ll deal with that.) But THAT CAST!
Do you need more convincing? You want to talk about the extreme thirst inspired by the men (well, save one) in this ensemble? OKAY.
Who are your future husbands here? OBVIOUSLY Oscar Isaac and Garrett Hedlund. They seem very thoughtful and Hedlund in particular is very tall (I know this from first-hand experience, from that one time I talked to him during a Mudbound awards-season event and didn’t embarrass myself badly enough that I lost all hope of a potential future together!) and Isaac has a good sense of humor about himself, as evidenced in various interviews throughout his career, especially the Star Wars-related ones. Those dudes are both spouse material!
OK, now let’s move onto your side pieces: Charlie Hunnam and Pedro Pascal. Do you watch Silicon Valley? Do you remember this moment?
That is exactly what I think of whenever I see Hunnam and Pascal. On the one hand, Hunnam has been increasingly typecast over his career, since Sons of Anarchy onward. He gets a lot of airtime in this Triple Frontier trailer but I think it’s mainly because he’s working on a secondary career as a henley model! MOTHERFUCKER LOOKS GREAT IN A HENLEY! And also, whatever clothes that happen to be or not be on his body!
And Pedro — hot damn, PEDRO. I am sorry I ever doubted your ability to play Oberyn Martell, one of my favorite Game of Thrones characters from GRRM’s books. (The show fucks over Dorne so spectacularly, and I will always be salty about that. Anyway.) The raw sexuality evidenced on the regular by Pascal is … staggering. Plus, he’ll make you a fruit and vegetable plate! For after! You know! After that thing you two do together!
Finally … your messy ex. We all know I’m talking about Ben Affleck here, right? We’re always talking about Ben Affleck.
Why did he have to be in this movie? Was Kyle Chandler not available? Is this about karmic balance — there always has to be something bad to balance something good? Why else are we being forced to suffer like this?
Triple Frontier hits Netflix in March. Am I going to indulge in some light fan-fiction until then, based on those Charlie and Garrett wrestling-on-the-beach paparazzi photos taken during the filming of this movie? … DUH. OF COURSE I AM!
Oh, and my final thought:
You can leave me however you want, Garrett. TO LEAVE MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN HERE. THAT IS FINE AND WELCOME.
Image sources (in order of posting): Netflix/Triple Frontier, Netflix/Triple Frontier